How to handle being too sensitive and being told that I'm playing victim?

**Magnetism** · 11-26-2011 11:57 AM

Hello all,

I'm sorry I don't come here as much. I don't know where else to ask this.

I have this problem where I feel anxious late at night and then go post on forums. Some of these forums tend to have insensitive people lurking on there. I had made a topic on the forum discussing something only to have 2 men tell me that I'm playing victim, that I want to be talked to as a 5 year old, that I don't take responsibility for my actions, and that I'm adding cowardice to my "playing victim" mentality.

I'm embarrassed to admit this, but the comments made me cry. I also felt insecure and wondered if I do come off as a 5 year old. I did tell these men that accusing others of playing victim wasn't an effective communication skill. There's a way of giving your opinion that's solution-focused without resorting to negative comments.

For some reason, comments by males tend to sting really hard. It makes me wonder if men in real life are that cruel and re-victimizing. How am I supposed to know if I really am a drama queen or playing victim? What does that mean? In therapy and in my abuse survivor groups, we're told that we're not to blame for how our parents have impacted us. Yet, I meet other people that say we are all responsible for our actions.

I don't understand why I take comments online so personally. My intention isn't to play victim, but to just understand how I'm feeling and to accept any outside input. Since I don't like to hurt people when I give advice, I would expect the same from others. Yet, I end up running into people that never surprise to shock me.

I know the first start would be not to post on these type of forums, but it's some kind of impulsive thing for me. This forum is very kind, because it's mostly women. I don't mean to sound sexist, but the meanest posters I run into turn out to be men. Why is that?

**Hopeless Dork** · 11-26-2011 12:55 PM

Some people tend to believe all the cruelty you read online, is how people really think but are too afraid to express unless under the anonymous nature of forums... but that tends to be far from the truth. There is also a large number of people that don't genuinly feel a certain way, but will express it as a 'persona'... which is another phenom that happens when people can be anything and anyone. You can have a 400 pound person sitting there scowling at some 150 pound womans picture going... you chub you disgust me... projection? perhaps? self-hatred? probably.

In that same vein, ones telling you to grow up and stop playing the victim, may also be talking of themselves to themselves. Maybe they haven't found the healing that you have and still continue to blame themselves and don't like to see someone else handle things differently. You just never know.

Online advice is not to be taken with a grain of salt, but a whole dang bottle lol.

**Magnetism** · 11-26-2011 01:30 PM

Hopeless Dork-Thanks for your input. That's a good way to look at it. Even in my job, there's so much talk about healthy communication skills: Validating, expressing your feelings and not minimizing the other person's different opinions. Perhaps these males just aren't at the point where they recognize that it's healthy to express their feelings.

Nonetheless, their comments stung very hard. I was frustrated that they couldn't understand. When they say I'm immature, what's defined as mature?

For example, I made a thread months ago about a roommate making a comment about my weight. I know I should be over it by now, but the topic had come up in this forum. These men said I was immature for not being able to accept her comment as truth.

**Little** · 11-26-2011 04:46 PM

Some people just go online to harass people and be big jerks. It's their stress relief. Don't listen to them.

**Magnetism** · 11-26-2011 05:05 PM

Little, do you think these guys are trying to be jerks on purpose? They say that they're trying to help, but I don't think hurting people's feelings are healthy adult concepts.

This guy told me "Don't expect the world to coddle you". Last time I checked, most people are polite and mind their own business.

Sorry, I'm just feeling a little down.

**Little** · 11-26-2011 05:19 PM

They may not be "trying" to be jerks - they may feel what they're saying to you very deeply and sincerely - but no matter how much they're "trying" to help, their advice is not helping you, and it's making jerks of them. Seeking out their advice is really only doing you damage. It seems, over the years, that a kinder and gentler approach has helped YOU specifically. Do yourself a favor and stop seeking out the advice of these guys.

**Magnetism** · 11-26-2011 05:38 PM

Originally Posted by Little

They may not be "trying" to be jerks - they may feel what they're saying to you very deeply and sincerely - but no matter how much they're "trying" to help, their advice is not helping you, and it's making jerks of them. Seeking out their advice is really only doing you damage. It seems, over the years, that a kinder and gentler approach has helped YOU specifically. Do yourself a favor and stop seeking out the advice of these guys.

I blocked these websites. My boundary is I only want to be around compassionate people that have the same set of values as me, and that means not saying "Suck it up and be an adult."

I guess I made that topic only for kind and gentle people as you said, but attracted others.

The other thing I could do is spend more time on here!

I was trying to figure out why I'm sub-consciously seeking out these kind of people. Probably familiarity.

**BabyGirl** · 11-26-2011 07:14 PM

PB..

From what I know of this place WH ( and I've been here since May 2009 ) People that a rude or offending, whether male or female. Are Not allowed to post negative or hurtful things.

They will be warned and then Banned if they continue hurtful posts. Even I was " Chastised " for being or wording something that seemed harsh and offensive to the OP. It was the way... I put it when asking something while giving an ( my ) opinion .

So it may actually be the the " Forums " you are Choosing to post in. Here the Men that we have are Sensitive and Loving, I could not Imagine one that would ever outright tell you grow up and quit playing a Victim, Or any woman here.

And one thing I can say about WH here, is we have all ages of Men and Women, Ethnicity, Religions, Countries.

And hopefully you will take this in the Kind and Caring Way it is meant to be.

It's Time to Grow Up and Graduate away from the " Forum/ Chat /Bully's " and Stop Being their Victim. ". Then Share here, Help here and sometimes just read and Learn Here .

And that was said with Love and hoping you will stay

**Magnetism** · 11-26-2011 07:26 PM

BabyGirl-The forum was loveshack, which I thought seemed okay at first. After today's incident, it made me realize it's not a healthy place to be. I'm glad you agree that a sensitive and loving man doesn't talk in this way.

Can at least someone tell me what it means to be mature? I don't know, because I grew up in a family that infantilized their adult children. I try my best to polite, gracious and friendly. I also will talk about my feelings and not repress them, but it's so much easier to do so online because I feel like I'm not bothering my friends in real life or bombarding them with negativity.

**Magnetism** · 11-26-2011 07:52 PM

The reason why they called me immature was because I impulsively deleted a friend off of facebook that had made that weight comment. Then, I felt bad and messaged her how I felt. Was that immature?