Freezing up when you want to say no. Anybody else experience this?

**Magnetism** · 12-10-2011 12:44 PM

I'm not sure if this goes in this section, but my question is if any of you intellectually want to say no to something, but your body freezes up and you go along with whatever is being asked of you. This also includes sexual pressure.

I've been doing pretty good at being assertive in my life, but I look back at all the times where I didn't know how to say no. I'm embarrassed to even admit that I didn't know how to walk away and say no when someone was sexually pressuring me. There have been several situations where I felt I had to just take the sexual pressure to survive.

In these situations, I tend to go "numb" as if someone is holding a gun to my head. I just want to know if anyone else feels this way. Even if I do say no several times, a person persistently pressuring me causes me to shut down. It's like my body somehow physiologically doesn't want to go along with what my brain says. It's hard to explain ,but does anyone feel this way?

My mom is someone that blames me for not being strong enough and asks why I can't just leave and kick someone in the balls, but I know her criticism is a reflection of her own insecurity. She herself is staying in toxic situations where she can easily just leave.

Logically, I know there's a lot of research to back up people "freezing up" in stressful situations. I can't let go fo the feeling of being judged by others and getting mad at myself for not being assertive enough. I feel like most women know how to strongly say no and not put up with anyone's , and then I get mad as to why I was never taught this until recently.

**caterpillar79** · 12-10-2011 02:56 PM

I'm a woman, and I do freeze up when I strongly want to say "no". Something to do with our messed up childhood, I guess?

**Magnetism** · 12-10-2011 03:13 PM

^Most likely, especially if you were raised to be a sweet girl that does as you're told.

What has helped me be more assertive now is to keep practicing in front of the mirror and rehearse what I can say if a future situation comes up. The situations where I froze were unexpected, and I didn't quite know then how to handle it.

**Magnetism** · 12-10-2011 03:26 PM

I forgot to add that what may be major strides to us in being assertive might be small to someone who thinks assertiveness is as easy as making a cup of tea!

**caterpillar79** · 12-10-2011 09:19 PM

I know. It amazes me that there are people who are really good at being assertive - well-developed EQ? LOL....

My thoughts also elude me so much that I have great ideas but when I start opening my mouth, I just can't spit the words out. I also practice in front of the mirror. When I was younger, I also discovered that singing in an operatic/classical way helps you with pacing yourself so that you can "assert" better. You know, breathing practice/management during singing can help if you can use the same skill in speaking your mind. Still a work in progress.

Do you express yourself more fluently in writing than in speaking when it comes to assertive behavior?

**Magnetism** · 12-10-2011 10:09 PM

Originally Posted by caterpillar79

I know. It amazes me that there are people who are really good at being assertive - well-developed EQ? LOL....

My thoughts also elude me so much that I have great ideas but when I start opening my mouth, I just can't spit the words out. I also practice in front of the mirror. When I was younger, I also discovered that singing in an operatic/classical way helps you with pacing yourself so that you can "assert" better. You know, breathing practice/management during singing can help if you can use the same skill in speaking your mind. Still a work in progress.

Do you express yourself more fluently in writing than in speaking when it comes to assertive behavior?

Yep, I used to write my feelings and show it to my guidance counselor when growing up. I didn't have the articulateness and eloquence to verbally state what I was feeling.

I just want to be able to let go of blaming myself. I'm now careful of who I share this with, because I don't want to put myself in a situation where someone would tell me that I was "asking for it" by not being assertive enough.

What's interesting is that when I was assertive in my life, some of the males thought I was being b*tchy and hostile. Too bad.

**jns** · 12-11-2011 05:26 AM

PB, this is probably due to your perception of a disadvantage in power or status. Raising your level of self confidence will help.

**Magnetism** · 12-11-2011 08:59 AM

Originally Posted by jns

PB, this is probably due to your perception of a disadvantage in power or status. Raising your level of self confidence will help.

I think I've done all what I can to raise my self-confidence. I just don't understand why some people are so pushy and keep persisting. I remember telling a date last year "Stop touching me. I have the right to say no." He just rolled his eyes and kept groping me. This man was from an Indian marriage site where you think people would be serious.

**caterpillar79** · 12-11-2011 09:14 AM

It's not so much of a matter of self-confidence anymore at this point. It's more of verbalizing and learning to get the right tone of voice when you say "no". There is the right frequency that when you utter words, people just listen.

PB, if I'm not mistaken, it's when you want to assert yourself is when your thoughts race also, so that you cannot concentrate and say it in the right tone. Is this one of the cases?

**Magnetism** · 12-11-2011 09:37 AM

Originally Posted by caterpillar79

It's not so much of a matter of self-confidence anymore at this point. It's more of verbalizing and learning to get the right tone of voice when you say "no". There is the right frequency that when you utter words, people just listen.

PB, if I'm not mistaken, it's when you want to assert yourself is when your thoughts race also, so that you cannot concentrate and say it in the right tone. Is this one of the cases?

Yes, racing thoughts and feeling emotionally overwhelmed describes it. It seems like the easiest thing is to give in the situation instead of sorting out all of those racing thoughts and trying to think clearly.