just needing a little help... and not sure if this ok

**brandi88** · 12-12-2011 12:15 AM

ok... please forgive me as this may be a little long..... ill try to keep it short and just give enough detail to allow anyone reading this enough understanding to reply if they want.....

ok.... im 23 years old..... about 11 years ago i started harming myself... cutting as people say..... growing up... my parents not once.... ever laid a finger on any of thier 4 kids... no hugs.... no kisses.... no touching of any kind... net even when we were hurt.... we had to take care of it ourselves.... if it was bad enough they took us to a doctor.... by the time i was 12... i whole heartidly believed that there was something wrong with me and became very fearful of any and all touch.... i just knew that i had done something wrong and needed to be punished for it... so began my very long strugle with self injury..... the first time i did it... i was overwhelmed with a sense of peace and internal calm i had never felt before..... and quickly became addicted to blanket of security the pain brought to me.... so a few weeks later.... someone at school caught me in the bathroom and i was sent to a residential treatment facility..... where i was molested by a kicthen staff member..... after that i bounced around to several places of treatment untill i turned 18.... resentfull and overflowing with a bloodlust like rage..... my only sorce of comfort kept in my wallet 24/7.... i would have died to protect my razor blade..... a few weeks later a friend of mine told me she was going to take me to an ex party.... she said it was ok.... nothing bad would happen..... i just needed to trust her and have a good time..... so i went..... after the ex kicked in i lost my sense on reality... i dont know how or when.... but somehow... i had been seperated from my friend.... and found myself down in the canyon behind the house with a man.... all i can remember about him... was that he was kinda tall i think... i was on the ground the whole time with a lot of ex pumpming thru my body so im not exactly shure..... and that he had an overwhelmingly strong kick..... i remember feeling a dull kinda hot pain when he pushed in.... and i made myself compleatly submit to the drugs and let them take my mind away... aparently i wasnt supposed to do that because he snapped me back to what was happening by turning me over and without warning i felt an explosion of pain back there..... when he was finnished he told me that this happened because i was so pathetic and worthless and knew that its nothing more than i deserved..... while he kicked what little bit conciousness i had out of me..... i woke up the next morning and without thinking called 911 and all i could really say was that i needed help.... after a a few days in the hospital i went home only to find no one knew i hadnt been there in a few days.... so i sealed all that up for a few years.... untill other issues began and i had to once again seek theraputic services.... i started dealing with it.... and thought i had fairly good grip on that issue.... till a few weeks ago when i got a yeast infection for the first time and had to put medicine up there.... as soon as i tried.... i compleatly broke down.... and quickly realized that untill that moment i had never ever touched myself there for any reason.... ever..... (obviously except basic hygine in the shower...) im just feeling lost and sooooo angry..... and i feel really stupid for one.... not having any idea whats what down there... how anything down there works..... and just thinking about that area makes my heart swell with fear and anxiety.... i dont know what to do now..... any advice or ideas.... or anything would be very much appreciated.... and again... im so very sorry for the leanght of this thread....

**brandi88** · 12-12-2011 08:52 PM

well.... dont i feel stupid.... guess this was a little much and not something i should have talked about here.... im so very sorry everyone

**Aeryn Sun** · 12-12-2011 10:15 PM

Don't feel stupid! The forums are not as busy at night as they are in the day, and it is a good possibility that someone else here will have a similar experience and be able to relate, or offer at the least, kind words.

It seems a lot has gone on in your life, and I would highly recommend talking to someone, even if it is confidential or anonymous over the phone. If you look up Suicide & Crisis hotline, there is one for every county just about in CA so it won't charge you money, or you could call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) for free. It's a national crisis line that anyone, anywhere can call and get connected to someone who has had training including SI (self injury), Anxiety, Sexual abuse etc.

I have done a couple reports on SI and all I can say on that end is, carry a pen instead, write on your arm where you would cut.
There are actually schools/treatment facilities for people who SI, and they are forced to write. Writing out every emotion takes out some anxiety that might of been cut/scraped/poked into the skin.
You could also freeze ice cubes that have red food dye in them. If you are at home and feel the urge, take one and hold it in your fist until it is completely melted. A good amount of clients use this method as it does hurt (cold ice stings) and they get the visual of red water that is like blood. It leaves no scars, and allows you to get that frustration out for the time being.

I hope you are able to find peace with your SI and reasons that cause anxiety. It isn't easy, but you have made a great first step by admitting it and knowing you should find help!

**Claret** · 12-14-2011 07:25 AM

Sometimes it take a while for people to read and digest what has been written. We must decide the best course of action and what we should say in a manner that will help you. Please don't give up -- over this or anything else --ever. It is my opinion, (and I am not a Doctor although I nursed for several years) that what you are experiencing is a failure to feel connected. Your parents did not connect with you in any meaningful way. No hugs, no touching, no giving you a sense of belonging and a sense of your own feelings back to them. You need to feel. The disconnect you are having has carried on so that deep inside when you cut yourself - you are at least feeling something. As the blood flows so does the release of emotion. What you need to work on is that you can have emotions and feelings, love and be loved without cutting.
I hope you are still seeing a therapist as these types of actions, deeply ingrained and as integral to our being as breathing, needs to be worked through. Please continue to get the help that you need.
What happened to you at the party was rape. You were raped and abused and you need to report this to the police. It's not too late. You need to work through this rape as well, because you do not want to feel that you deserved or earned this in any way. It was not your fault. Go to a rape counselling centre - they will provide all types of assistance for you. I would hope that one lesson learned would be not to trust any type of street drug as the effects can be devastating.
One last bit of information, re: your parents, it wasn't your fault they weren't demostrative with you. They may have been brought up this way themselves. However, to not hug or hold their own child is reprehensible.
If hugs from strangers are allowed in your world, please accept one hug from me, no strings attached.

**Darling** · 12-14-2011 11:09 AM

A hug from me as well

Don't give up on yourself. Life changes everyday, nothing is set in stone. You are always learning and growing.
One day your sole mate will walk into your life and you will have no problem opening up to him, or her. And you will no what to do and what you want

**brandi88** · 12-14-2011 09:44 PM

thank you everyone..... but just to clerify... i am still in therapy.... and i havnt cut for almost 6 months.... the issue i was seeking guidence on was my overwhelming fear of touch.... from myself and other people.... and for the past several years ive been able to keep all wants and needs regarding touch locked away by convincing myself that any form of touch from anyone including myself, other then medical personal is wrong and would make me a bad person...

**Claret** · 12-15-2011 05:22 AM

It will only be through a lot of therapy that you will find the information and the way to deal with all the issues that are keeping you away from touch from people. It will be through a series of steps of self-discovery that you will find yourself and be able to put actions into place so that you can hug and be hugged. You have to start with the small steps first and that is to stay in therapy. Gradually by discovering yourself (your body, your likes, your dislikes both physically and emotionally) then you'll be able to find the "touch" that you need and want. You have to discover why you think any form of touch would make you a bad person. One analogy I could make is of a child that is only touched when beaten, that is the only touch that the child knows. While the child is being beaten it is told how bad it is, how it was never wanted in the first place. This child would then equate touch with being a bad child. This child would shy away from touch as a result.
You must keep faith in yourself, that you will resolve the issues that make you feel that touch is bad.

**kymmylou** · 05-03-2012 07:16 PM

I just want to say first, I want to give you a hug. I am so sorry that this happened. Second, I want to let you know that there are many people that do self injury. I started about 7 years ago and have had problems with it recently. I am in therapy but to be honest, its not helping. I do not want to kill myself but its that sense of having control and finally feeling like there is a reason for the pain. The thing I keep remembering, even though I probably shouldnt, is that cutting, biting etc is a coping mechanism. Not an attempt to end my life.

I have never been really able to talk to anyone about stuff and Im glad that I found this forum thing. Im hoping this will help along with therapy.

I hope I can be an encouragement....

**GettinThere** · 05-14-2012 03:42 PM

Wow, what a strong person you are. It takes such courage to speak about this and ask for help. Hopefully you found some relief just telling someone (even strangers) and knowing we support you. I assume you have shared with your therapist your emotionally and affectionately distant parents, your rape, and now your fear of touch? If not, you should certainly consider sharing it with your therapist. You also need to report it, if you haven't already, and either your therapist or the police or a women's shelter should be able to recommend a support group where you can help sort out your emotions with other vicitims. Have you ever been to a gynecologist? All political beliefs aside, Planned Parenthood offers a safe, comfortable, non-judgmental environment that may even have rape victim support groups in your area. They may be a good place to start.

**elliebear** · Yesterday 06:30 PM

Hi brandi88,

You have some complex issues going on x

As for the self-harm.. others here have given you some good ideas and techniques you could use... but it wont deal with the root causes of why you feel the need to do this to yourself...

What I am about to say may not be popular here... so be it... I want to be constructive not just blow smoke and be woolly... x

Do you think it would be acceptable to physically hurt someone else?

Im guessing your answer is no.. at least i hope so.. so why would you think it is acceptable to hurt yourself? So many people appease those who self-harm and it does no favours in my experience. One therapeutic community I worked in years ago for adolescents made a radical change to their admission criteria. Clients had to sign an agreement to NOT ever self-harm whilst they were on the unit as well as to treat themselves and others with respect. If they were found to have self-harmed, they had to leave the unit. The long-term success rate of reducing the self harm was amazing to be honest.

This may sound draconian and perhaps the complete antithesis of a therapeutic community... but it really was very effective. After all why would anyone condone violence against another individual.. and why do you not deserve the same consideration yourself?

I know all the reasons/theory/research which underpins a lot of the ways some professionals treat or nurse people who are self harming... I find it more effective to say.. "that behaviour is not acceptable, if you want to discuss issues that you feel 'make' you self harm then we will talk again... but until then I will not continue with the session or meeting" etc Then there is actually some concrete plan and safe place to work out feelings and thoughts. clients know that coping mechanism is off limits and they tell me very freeing... eventually etc

Anyway, I wish you well brandi88, I just wanted to say... you dont HAVE to hurt yourself... and you can move forward.. you have no control over what happened to you.. that is the past... don't let it define your future... it doesn't have to... it really doesn't x

Best wishes,

Ellie