Really bizarre, sometimes morbid or violent thoughts...should I be worried?

**neuronerd88** · 01-02-2012 02:38 AM

I'll start by saying that it doesn't really bother me all that much to have these really bizarre thoughts. I know for a fact that I'd never act on them; never have I felt even for a moment that I would actually even consider doing anything. But I started thinking, maybe I should be worried that I have these thoughts? I mean, do other people?

These "bizarre thoughts" range from things that are completely harmless to ones that are really mean and/or very violent. The harmless bizarre thoughts are things like sudden urges to yell out something extremely inappropriate for the social situation. Things that might get me weird looks or glares, but wouldn't really make anyone want to punch me in the face.

The mean ones are sudden desires to yell things inappropriate to certain groups, like if I see Jewish people or Muslims or Black or Asian people or whatever. The thing is, I'm not racist at all, and I don't hate on people of other religions. I don't harbor any hostilities to people of different races, cultures, or religions from me. I just have bizarre urges to yell nasty things at them sometimes. I never would, nor would I want to or want someone else to, but isn't it weird to get the urge?

The more violent bizarre thoughts are when I picture entire scenes in which I murder people. I've pictured shooting my entire family and then driving away, stabbing my brother and his girlfriend with the steak knife at dinner, going into a public area and shooting everyone I can find before the police get to me, or I imagine how I would get away with being a serial killer. I usually imagine how I would kill them without them realizing what's going on, how I'd cover my tracks that I'd been there at all, how I'd clean up all the blood, how I'd get rid of the bodies, how I'd remove any DNA evidence or fingerprints without anyone suspecting, etc.

I know after that last paragraph especially, I probably sound really creepy, but you don't get it. Those thoughts aren't me at all. I cry when I read a story about a puppy getting run over by a car. I get emotional at sad movies; I'm the first one someone hands a tissue to in a sad situation. I love my friends and family, and I would never even consider actually hurting them.

So what is wrong with me? Why do I have these thoughts? Why don't they bother me that much? I just forget about them usually, shortly after I have them. It's actually bothering me more to put it into writing here than it usually does when they briefly cross my mind, because it's not natural, is it? Do other people have thoughts like this?

I am scared to ask anyone if they have thoughts like this sometimes, too, because I don't want to freak anyone out. They might be nervous around me even though I swear I would never, ever do anything to hurt anyone. I've never so much as hit someone in anger before. The worst I've done was yell, and I don't even do that all that often, since I'm a pretty even-tempered person.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 01-02-2012 10:36 AM

If these thoughts are things you'd never actually do, which means you don't truly have the desire to act them out, then I wouldn't be all that concerned about it. Sometimes I have bizarre thoughts that I think are horrible and even find myself thinking "Why on Earth did I think something like that!?!". Alot of times it's the odd desire for a shock reaction......full well knowing I'd NEVER do it and don't truly even want to. I think alot of it comes from the things we're exposed to on TV for shock value. I wouldn't spend much time worrying on it unless the thoughts become consuming, or you start actually considering acting them out.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-02-2012 12:56 PM

I don't know how old you are, guessing late teens? But, there can be stored alot of anger from a child through to their teenage years, known or un-known. But, definately not sorted out and until it is sorted, you can either project that into a thought pattern in various forms, or let it out by smashing items. Also, if your mind was very active as a child, your imagination was very vivid, it still can be now if you haven't replaced it with day to day occurances in the real world..

If you think maybe something has bothered you whilst growing up but you don't really know, or know what that is, then I suggest hypnotherapy to start with or someone to talk to, eventually those things will come to the for-front.

If you can relate to an over active imagination, then look at your life as it is now and slowly makes changes, be involved in groups, hobbies, work, social events, people.... The outside world more.

**neuronerd88** · 01-02-2012 05:28 PM

Thanks for your responses. I suppose maybe I do just have an overactive imagination. Usually, I don't start picturing how I could be a serial killer or whatever until after I've read a book or watched a movie or seen something on TV that gives me the idea, and I just sort of go with it. Like, after I watched that movie (I think it's called Zodiac?) about the Zodiac killer, I started thinking how I would be a serial killer. And I read a lot of fantasy books and watch a lot of anime, too. I also read a lot of AOL news, and the front page is usually full of people that have done horrible things, like kids killing their parents or people dismembering children. It's really creepy. I also once had a dream about killing my dad after a week of playing Clue pretty much every day with my brother. I killed him with the candlestick holder in the kitchen. I think it was because I thought it was such a weird weapon and I kept thinking about how you really would kill someone with that.

To answer your question about how old I am, I'm 23. When I was in my teens, though, I did have a ton of rage. I used to get so mad at people, especially my family, that I'd want to throttle someone. That hasn't happened in several years, maybe not since I was 18 or so. It wasn't that they suddenly stopped; just one day I realized I didn't have the fits of rage anymore, and that must've meant I was done with the hormones that make teenagers crazy. And I still do think that's the case. I don't really think I have unresolved rage from then, though. When I was a teen, the dumbest things could make me angry and I used to blame my parents for everything and I hated my brothers. I now get along with my parents and my brothers pretty well, although sometimes I suspect that has to do with the fact that I've moved out and have my own life separate from them. Whatever the reason, my relationships with my family are better than they've ever been when I was a teenager.

You're probably right that I need to socialize more, though. I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder when I was 17 and prescribed medication for it, but I only took it for a week before I decided I didn't want to go the medication route. I do have friends now, but even so, I tend to avoid any social gathering that includes people I don't know very well, or in large gatherings. I need to get out and meet new people, and maybe get a boyfriend. I'm 23 going on 40 year old virgin, after all, ha

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