At my wits end.

**lizzardb63** · 01-05-2012 10:01 AM

Hello WH friends,

I am once again stressed out (not that it ever stopped, lol). Last week I posted about my mom being way too harsh, jumping to conclusion, etc and just stressing out my fiance and I. Well... I have been under A LOT of stress lately. Here's the story:

I work for a city and they have a requirement to live within the city limits. I signed up to go to a personnel committee meeting to see if they can make an acception because it is my fiance dream to buy his grandparents house. I also would love to live closer to family (we moved here about a year ago). If they don't accept me living outside of the city, I will need to start looking for another job, because living far away isn't working for us. Also- we are going to start talking to banks and seeing what our options are for getting a mortgage. I have good credit, but my fiance doesn't due to identity theft. We both make decent money so it's not a matter of not making enough.

I am planning a wedding and am trying to prepare for paying for the final bills, etc and we're also taking a big family vacation in June (his family planned this before we got engaged), so I also need to figure out money for that.

I am setting things up with vendors for our wedding (florists, photographers, etc) and I was just telling my mom that I am very stressed out about a lot of things right now and she goes "I hope you know it will get worse when you go to secure the loan for the house. Buying property is one of the most stressful things you will do."

Is it so bad that I just wanted to hear "Everything will work out okay?" I realize that it isn't going to be all rainbows and gum drops. Life's hard. My fiance and I have been living together for 9 months and doing great (with no financial support from anyone), why can't I just get a little "Don't worry, it will be okay"...instead it just gets cut to the chase.

Sorry- I just feel so discouraged and I feel down enough the way it is. I don't need another thing to make me think things aren't going to work out. My future is in the hands of the aldermen (The Personnel Committee) and could change drastically (I have a meeting with them next tuesday)...I just want to cry.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-05-2012 02:37 PM

Lizzy Lizzy Lizzy

Listen. We have to learn to lead our own lives and not worry what others think..

It would be nice to get support from those close to us, it would take pressure off and it certainly will motivate us to succeed but you know, we are who we are, they are who they are.

The bottom line is, your goals and dreams are yours. If you and your fiance have those and work towards those and DO YOUR HOMEWORK properly, you will lead a happy life.

There will always be problems, hurdles, struggles.

Make sure you are happy. If your job and the travel doesn't make you happy and it turns out you have to leave, do so... and find something close by that makes you happy. You can continue to apply for jobs you "like" and be who you want to be if the job isn't exactly what you are after... Happiness is close to home.

Sometimes we put too much on our plate at once... Which creates stress... You have to take some me time out as well, breathe, smell the roses, take a walk every day... to see the positive things in life around you and the beauty it will help you through the stress.

Focus on you, not on what people say

This is your life.

**jns** · 01-05-2012 08:55 PM

Originally Posted by lizzardb63

I work for a city and they have a requirement to live within the city limits. I signed up to go to a personnel committee meeting to see if they can make an acception because it is my fiance dream to buy his grandparents house. I also would love to live closer to family (we moved here about a year ago). If they don't accept me living outside of the city, I will need to start looking for another job, because living far away isn't working for us.

Residency requirements are Un-American in my opinion because they can easily cause problems with marriages, political persuasion, etc. Whatever happened to the freedom of association as defined in NAACP v. Alabama? When you contract for work, the rights of the company to dictate your actions should stop when they quit paying you after work as long as you don't engage in illegal activities or things that will certainly interfere with your work. It sounds like owing your soul to the company store. Don't give up on a good job.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 01-06-2012 06:56 AM

I think she's just trying to thicken your skin a bit. Wedding planning stress if 100% self inflicted (sorrrrrrrrrry). It's hard for me personally to find much sympathy for these gals that plan these extravagant weddings (not saying you are...I have no idea) and then get so stressed over all the tiny details that they are sensitive, stressed, difficult to be around and difficult to deal with. Why? Because they do it to themselves.

It would be like feeling sorry for someone who eats 5 Big Mac's a day then stresses over being overweight. Make sense? So...if the wedding planning is stressing you, tone it down a bit. The important part is marrying your best friend.

The job issue, indeed stressful and not self inflicted.

But this is a point in your life in which things are "coming together" and you're establishing the foundation for what will be the future of your life. The key is "coming together".....which means that things are not currently together. Things (like employment) may seem awry, but it WILL work out. They will either agree to your living arrangements, or you will find a job that is MUCH better for you. It WILL work out.

As far as securing a mortgage.... not, by far, the most stressful thing I've done in my life. For some people it doesn't go as smoothly and is very stressful, but certainly not for everyone. Especially if you already have a house picked out. The hardest part for me was deciding on a house. Get in with a lender early on to start discussing what you need to have prepared for when the time comes.

Girl, you're going to be just fine. I know mom doesn't always say what you want to hear. But I'm sure you don't always say what she wants to hear either.

**lizzardb63** · 01-06-2012 11:13 AM

I am being 100% honest here... the stress from the wedding planning is directly related to her- at elast 90% of it is. I just need a MOM right now. I know I am and have been told from others that I think very logically, even when it comes to matters of the heart. Why can't I have what other girls have? The joy of planning your wedding with your mom? Me...I keep it all a secret because she's so negative and gets mad over things that she shouldn't be. I can't even talk to her about how my day has been. She criticises me about everything and reads too far into it.

Sorry, I guess I am just depressed about it. That on top of the work sitation, not knowing how the how things going to go. Where's the support? I am just thankful I have my fiance. He really is my rock, even in that way...I still feel a bit alone. I know I am an adult and shouldn't need to hear "what I want to hear", but seriously... please spare me and just say it, JUST ONCE...PLEASE. *sigh* But....I can't control how she feels and if that's really what she thinks and feels, then so be it. I just know sooner or later there won't be much of a relationship.

**lizzardb63** · 01-06-2012 11:21 AM

JNS- I couldn't agree more. It has caused lots of headaches for many of my co-workers but the aldermen won't drop the residency requirement all together, because the residents here say "If they won't take the job and live in the city, then I would!"... easy for them to say. They already live here, established a stable social and family life. It's all about politics. The only reason they won't drop it RIGHT NOW is because there is election for aldermen this spring and they don't want to upset any residents... yeah, so lets screw over the works you DO have that already dedicate 75% of there life to you. Ugh! (Very frustrated if you can't tell, lol) Also- its very easy for these aldermen... they make a 1/2 mill a year. The taxes here to own a home would be $3000 a year more than surrounding cities. I CAN'T AFFORD THAT, even with the decent salary that I make. Yes I do make good money and have great health benefits, but simply stated, I could never afford a home here, and frankly I am tired of renting... ok. Rant over! lol

**Beautiful Disaster** · 01-06-2012 11:52 AM

That stinks girl. :\ If she helping financially with the wedding? If not, I was going to say just start not including her in on decisions and such. And be honest about why. This should be a happy time for you and your fiance, AND for her. If she won't let it be a happy one, exclude her from it as much as you can and let her know why, so that if she reflects and decides to do differently, she can still be a part of things.

**lizzardb63** · 01-06-2012 12:02 PM

Yes, she is helping financially. They are giving a gift of money of $4000, which I appreciate GREATLY...but this enables her to control what I do with it, what vendors I am choosing, how much I spend on each. I have been using her gift as down payments on everything, so all the big things are booked and its just small details to work out after that. She knows EVERYTHING I'm spending because she calls and uses her card to put the payments down. This is how she criticizes me. I understand that she has a right to know where her money is going, but I also would like a little privacy on where and how I spend my money. I am NOT stupid and know how to spend wisely and I am looking for a bargain, not just the first thing that comes to me.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 01-06-2012 12:06 PM

I think if you give someone a "gift", it doesn't automatically earn you the right to dictate how it is spent. If she said "I'm giving $4000 toward your wedding", then as long as it's spent on the wedding, it shouldn't matter.

I would say, since you have no choice but to go through her for the payments, give her the details (that's no biggie), be firm in your decisions, answer her questions.....and then if she starts legitimately criticizing you or putting you down (that is different than asking questions or giving advice of course) just flat out tell her to stop. The worst that can happen is she retracts her "gift" and you have to downgrade a bit which would def not be the end of the world....especially if it meant salvaging your sanity and potentially your relationship with her.