Not Sure I know How to Love?

**Lady In Red** · 05-25-2012 11:19 PM

A 43 y/o passed away this week after a battle with cancer. I know all her family. Which got me to thinking today.... I really don't think I really can love out side of my kids? I am 8 years into my 2nd marriage, and today I was thinking just how upset would I be it was one of my sisters, my mom, a close friend, and as bad as this sounds even my husband, I just feel as oh well life will go on.

Let me give you a quick back ground on myself- My parents divorced when I was very young, I was phyically abused by my father. Later learned he wasn't my real father which answered why my sisters walked on water and I was nothing. I was found by my biological father and a sister that is a month older. She is my rock (and the only one I would be devastated if I lost). My biological father passed last year and I was there, but did not cry or really feel anything. Was there mostly to help his wife. I am the one on my mom's DNR so if anything would happen to her I say no do not keep her alive, and I'm ok with that. I was married for 20 years to my high school sweetheart, he on the other hand drank and just never grew up. I use to have pets that I loved, I once had to put one dog down and cried for weeks. Now it's just yea I care but wouldn't be that upset if I lost one.

I have been on untidepressents for 18 or so years and had to have my RX changed once, and a few years later had the dosed upped.

I just feel so cold hearted, and that is not who I am, not who I want to be. I want to care, I want to feel that I couldn't live with out the people in my life. You all seem to have some great advice........And I welcome all

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-26-2012 03:27 AM

I think my sweet.. The pain of that death, and even of your Father before, has made you "have" to toughen up and you are frightened of love.

Do you know why you love your children? They can't hurt you, it's un-conditional love, everything else can and has hurt you.

It's "OK" to let love in. We all get hurt. It's the nature of the beast, it's how we "see it that is different".

I hate the thought of Doctors going ah give him/her antidepressents.. were are you suicidual? What about self love? Before all those things happened to you and the dreams you had after and the love for your children, you know how to love, I think you need to start with yourself.

I am going to share with you something I haven't at all..

My fiance, his marriage ended, he feared over never seeing his daughter or seeing her less. He was offered antidepressents.. The other night he told me, as we met a few weeks after all of this (after him living at home seperately for 8 months ) "You saved me".. I gave him a reason, a belief and he was told how beautiful he was.. That was all it took, no drugs.

You are beautiful... What happened to you was horrible, forgive and let go.. If you allow this demon to stay in your life, you will continue to fear to love outside of your children.

Someone took.. They don't own you. You own you..

Go and own yourself.. Love is beautiful, and yes you may still get hurt but you know what? It's worth more than fear and pain is it not?

Trust you . Like you..

**Beautiful Disaster** · 05-26-2012 10:02 PM

I have heard in others who are on antidepressants, the feeling of indifference even about things in their lives that should be of extreme importance. You've had a rough go...yes..no doubt, but the emotional indifference you're feeling isn't characteristic of you it doesn't sound like. And it could definitely be related to your meds.

I want to care, I want to feel that I couldn't live with out the people in my life.

But see, you've experienced enough in your life to KNOW that you CAN live without the people in your life so those are unrealistic expectations to have for yourself. Wanting to care is not unrealistic. And it sounds like at one time you did, and now you feel that you don't and it's very likely medicine related. Talk to your doctor. You don't have to tell him specifics or in detail...you can just tell him that you're feeling indifferent about important things, that you're finding yourself numb of emotions you've always had, etc.

**Lady In Red** · 05-30-2012 07:07 AM

I am not or was not suicidual. OCD and PMS where the main reasons I was put on meds. Maybe the reason I was able to stay in marriage the first time for so long. I was never so angery as I was when I was having PMS, and felt it was very hard on my kids. My OCD was that things in my house had to be spotless. Which was impossiable, but I would run myself ragged just trying, again getting very upset if it wasn't. 3 years into this marriage the dose had to be upped because I was not doing well with the OCD, only now smaller house and adding 2 more kids. Our small tight knit community has been having one death to accidents or suicide about every 6 months for the last 3-4 years ages 16 -24. It is heartbreaking.

I do think I will mke an appt as suggested by BD and have a talk. Thanks for the help

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