Dear Women with compassion,
I would be so grateful to read from you. I have struggled to break free of my torturous past with my family. I am 40 years old and yet to truly be in a soulful committed relationship. There have been many randy and sensual sexual relationships, but nothing has stuck.

I have to fight against hermitizing myself, for so long my father would jump in and take over any interest I had, growing up he read my private journals so I stoppped writing in them. He listened to my phone conversations, and set up a desk in my room where he filed his bills. I have learned to hide away for fear that if I step out in any way - show love- it will be taken away from me or critisized somehow. I feel "raped" by my father even though he never did touch me inappropriately. My mother ignored me and offered no protection. My brother joined in on the abuse by speaking harshly to me on a constant basis.

Always the good girl, I for years let my neurotic parents and abusive brother define me and and command me to do things for them. I was ashamed of this but somehow felt if I spread my wings and became my own woman I would somehow hurt them. This translated to my dating experience as well - choosing men who controled me - but were not really there for me.

My "surrogate family" as I like to cal them, for my real parent is G-d, are all dead to me now - for my lonliness made me want to kill myself. While I am alone, I am much happier than I have been for the past 12 years or so.

But where to go now? How can a talented compassioate 40 year old single woman find love in a dense urban metropolis teeming with ultra perky 30 year old babes, and overun with single women of all types? Sure there are social groups that have served as a band-aid thus far.

Where is the hope? I cannot be alone for much longer I have already possibly sacrifised my lifeblood of being able to have children. Will I have to sacrifise myself too out of sheer inhumane lonliness? You see I waver between the glory of my freedom and the depression of my lonely childhood, 20s and 30s.

With love and gratitude,
lakesister

First, I'm sorry to hear of your past. That is truely sad and I feel for you.
Second, congratulations to you on your new life of happiness ahead of you.

Do you have any hobbies or interests that you go out and to to meet people? What about attending art openings or classes? Dance classes?
I'm not much help I'm sure. Just get out and do a lot of things in your area.
Do you have one of those local papers that has a listing of every thing that is going on in town? Maybe just pick a couple of things to do a week and start going out and seeing who's out there.

Keep you chin up, you'll meet someone. Most importantly, you are beginning a new chapter in your life. Congratulations and good luck to you, stay strong- you deserve a good life.

Sourpuss - I don't know why, but "you deserve a good life" brought tears to my eyes. I feel like there are so few people in my life who ever thought that I did deserve anyhting- or at least let me know that, including myself - which is the worst part, I feel as though I betrayed myself.
Anyway, finding interests and people who are interested in me too is a good idea. Thank you.
Lakesister

Lakesister; you will find someone.
Don't stress, just relax, enjoy being you.
Just be kind to yourself, and don't feel
desperate.

You'll meet the right one.

good advice, kaylar. i could spend some time just enjoying being me. i have never been desperate, if i were, i'd be attached to someone i don't love. who does not wish to be loved? i am so happy to have found you people. thanks a bunch.
love,
lakesister

Sorry to hear about your past... I am sooo happy that you have escaped that now. Just keep in mind that you have the whole rest of your life to explore and learn about anything!! Discover what your passions are; everyone has something unique that they love and are fascinated by. My passions tend to be very nerdy but i'm not embarrassed by that (I flaunt it.) Perhaps through that discovery you'll meet new people with a common interest, and that is how great relationships form..
Best wishes to you and lots of love.
Sam

Thanks Sam, indeed spending some time just being comfortable and liking myself is what I am doing. That needs to happen before I turn the siren on once again, which for me is more like, turn the siren on, nowadays.
One needs to feel comfortable. And in a weird way, all my past relationships with men, I knew would be temporary from the get-go, because I did not feel entirely authentic. So I don't want that to happen again - just something happy and natural would be awesome.
Whenever I have gotten into things, like exercise regimes, or lessons of some sort, I have made friends - so what you and Sourpuss say, holds true.
I just want so badly to be at that happy place with myself, you know? I am sure you do. "Relax" could not be a more apt suggestion, as from Kaylar. Not always so easy.
No longer will I be embarrassed or think of myself as some sort of undeveloped woman.
I have worked hard and been a good friend to many.
Sweet Dreams,
Lakesister