Thread: I need help in dealing with my depressed husband

Originally Posted by mifflin08

Well, to start off my husband is on medication.

We have been together for a long time and when I look back and piece things together, I think this was always a problem. I just considered him moody. I also turned a blind eye to him gambling (because it wasn't affecting us financially) even though that was probably wrong of me. But, the thing is that it is like walking on eggshells around him sometimes. So rather than fight with him about it and set him off, I chose to ignore it.

About a year ago, he got help and is now on medication. He no longer gambles. He also came clean to me about a lot of what I didn't realize was happening. But, his past gambling has gotton us in huge financial problems! So what I thought wasn't affecting me financially really was, I just didn't know everything. I feel as much to blame as him for what has happened, because I should have been more on top of it. We'll now it has all caught up and I know.

So, my problem is that even though he is on medication, we are under gigantic stress on a daily basis. The medication only does so much, it doesn't mask true problems. This all affects me too, but fortunatly I can cope with it. I have faith that with time and hard work we will fix it. It devistates me and scares me most of the time, but I can deal with it and try and do what needs to be done. Unfortunatly, we have three young children and there is not much I can do to contribute financially. The next part is that he is self-employed. So, he has all this pressure to earn the money and it is never enough. I try to help him with his work as much as possible.

This is where I don't know how to help. I try to do his paperwork and keep him organized, but the depression seems to be weighing him down. He sits on the computer and plays games instead of working, he constantly needs to take naps. Then he trys to play catch up and gets more frustrated. We don't have medical insurance, so he isn't seeing a counsler but he does regularly get his prescription filled.

I try talking to him and asking him to take a walk with me instead of taking a nap. Or drink more water, instead of soda, and maybe he won't feel so tired. He says that it's not just that but his back hurts, or his arms (he was recently in a car accident). I can't help but feeling that these are just excuses. When I asked him how I can help better, he told me not to ask "dumb" questions that just make him more mad. Or to make sure that his paperwork is always organized, so he doesn't feel overwhelmed and want to avoid it altogether. Again, to me these are just excuses. I feel like he is quick with answers!

It is so sad to see him disinegrate before my eyes. I don't know if I am making it worse? When he wants to sleep in the middle of the day, should I just let him? Should I pressure him about work? If I back off a little, will he get better or just sink deeper?

This has been steadily getting worse for the past six months and I am at my breaking point. I am watching my whole famiy's life slip away. Unfortunatly, me and my kids depend on him for so much that he is not able to provide right now. I just don't know what to do anymore. Any advice on how to help him would be great!

Firstly, the fact that he stopped, allbeit a bit late on the financial side is a good sign. It may have been worse. It may be that he ran out of access to money to gamble and had no choice as everthing else was assets and you must be careful when that all starts to pan out better that he doesn't feel happier and think, i'll go back and try again to get more money for us. It seems that he was quite addicted at the time, so it's still lerking in there.

It is my understanding that most gamblers need that "high" something is missing, it is not because they are trying to "win" and get more money to pay for bills. And with the "highs comes the lows" and the more they lose, the deeper in depression they go, and they go back and back hoping to win it back again, only to win, but put it all back in thinking they'll double it and then they lose.

Now he is still depressed as there seems no way out, each day a bill comes in the mail that can't be paid and he can't focus and concentrate and 'jump the hurdle" and turn it back around. Instead, it makes him worse and he feels tired and needs to sleep, he's lost any enthusiasm about work, probably hates the thought and plays on the computer.

There is no blame here on you and you can only do what you can. I understand the "walking on egg shells and trying not to create an arguement" my ex-husband had four disks go in his back and for 2 years he did the same, sat on the couch, played on the computer, was depressed, angry, told me to work, didn't care about anything, and like you, i walked on egg shells and went into a world of my own and also just tried to be there.

I started to give him visions. What was his loves? What may inspire him, so for him it was motor bikes and cars. I started suggesting we attended some races, so we did, i bought him a bike, and he got excited and i slowly started to mention excitement of my business, and where we could go, and he got thinking. It was tough and hard because i was the bread winner and i had to work around the clock and not only sit through his depression and just watch not get angry, sometimes i did though, but work and create something he could dream of.

I know you have children so that's out of the question.

And you say that he can't always afford the medication to assist but there must be "free councelling somewhere" to assist as well?

More than anything i think it's mind set. He's at his lowest and how low can someone go and come back up again.

I can only suggest that you work out what he loves and try to incorporate that somehow so he smiles again and search how other's in his field of business are successful and see if there is a way that you can add that in without spending any money and slowly bring those ideas back. I assume he did love the work at some stage and that is why he created that type of business?

Talk about past instead of present, do you remember etc of things that made you both laugh to try to bring back some better thoughts, condition his mind back to when things were good without bringing up the present at all.

He would know that you are also sad over all of this and hurting and that you are coping and trying not to bring things up, he would know that so it would be eating at him as well.

So, a lot to put on your shoulders but it's the only way i bought my ex-husband out of depression and back around again, giving him a "dream" and believing in that dream...

If we do this, wow in the next 2 years we will be here, hey then we can go to France and watch the car races, you watch, we'll do it to, type of thing.

All of a sudden he started dreaming and now we are separated but for different reasons, but he earns 4 x as much as me bugger....

But then i own a lot more than he does and a business.....

And, remember, gambling is an addiction keep an eye when things get better as he may go searching for it again.

I wish you well i know this is a hard one as i've been there as depression and husbands go.