Thread: Borderline Personality Disorder Consequences

Please help.... newly diagnosed BPD Patient but consequences for years for the affects of the disorder on my choices and life actions. Lost jobs, lost loves, loss of control, deep mood swings... if you know it you know the **** I feel and trying so hard to fit in to society just to "make it through." Still trying new meds, others were not good. I was even in an affair with a married man and it ended recently. There is no where to turn for understanding or for the pain to stop aside from a new counsellor. I have been cheated on before with my husband of my youth which we of course ended in divorce... became a Christian and gave up sex for 15 years and no long term relationships in there, then I isolated so much I was so lonely I thought I would die and then I did what I never thought I would ever do and became a mistress because like other ****** desperate women I believed he would divorce. The last couple years I have lost 2 jobs, endured the pain of learning of my mother's cancer, loving this man, getting this harsh diagnosis and feeling like trash, to top the cherry on the cake I was "dismissed" as that "best friend for life" and lover role. Humiliated, angry, repented etc... but I'm emotionally lower than ever before. I was told I would get some possessions back, but it never happened and since then the wife gave me a message and told me if I contact her or her family ever she will consider it harassment. He won't move a muscle now without her permission and I will not receive contact, and I am afraid he has agreed to report everything to keep from getting a divorce so he will tell her if I contact him with an email just asking for something back. I don't want to harass, I just feel humiliated and this means a lot to me. It was something engraved with the declaration of our agreed forever bond. I know I am hated by everyone, the other woman, home wrecker etc.... I am alone in this and can talk to no one. I am dead inside, completely alone, and my medication imbalance makes me rageful, hurt, continually in despair. Please, I've been on both sides of this mistress thing, and I know all the conviction and haven't let myself forget how ****** and humiliating I have been treated and have hurt others. Now I have to pick up the pieces of my entire life and try to get healthy and I don't know if I'll survive the pain of all this. Help, and please give me some mercy. There's always more than the cover of the book to judge why I would do such a thing. I've lost everything, no money or support, no savings, lost the man I loved in a few moments in a public place, never even got to talk about anything, just the announcement he could no longer have me in his life that he wanted to work on his marriage, I have a complete breakdown that I have hidden this from the world for 2 years and... well on and on. I don't know if I'll survive this, and I admit I feel so betrayed that I was so crazy I actually believed he wanted me and we would be together. My faith is on a shoestring, and I'm in constant pain from his complete disappearance from my life in just a moment. Help, only if you can do it with the forgiveness of Jesus because I can't take any more shame and guilt, I've been drowning in it constantly.