Stress, Fear and Anger all wrapped into one...
This is not good for my health. I am only 23 and I feel like I could do better jumping off a cliff!!
I live in the WORST place possible, right in the most dangerous part of my city "The hood or Ghetto". But we can't afford a cheaper place anywhere else in the city. There are already 4 of us living in a 2 bedroom house (Me, Brent, my mom and her BF) and together our income STILL isn't enough.
I Can't seem to hold onto a job. My emotions get in the way too much and I end up over stressing myself. I do have a "self employment" job where I clean houses for pay...but it's not anywhere CLOSE enough. I used to be able to handle stress like a pro, but recently, with my "best friend" turning on me and so many things just adding up...I break down ALOT!!
I mean My fiance WAS supposed to build a fence around our property to keep these kids and druggies OUT, but he always has an excuse not to! Like today, I witnessed like 5 older kids walking through our back yard like they owned the place!!! And last year, in October we had a doped up meth guy near kick our FRONT DOOR down!! We didn't even know the freak!! Just some random druggie having a freak out attack!! TO top it off he smashed our windshield in which cost us $400 to replace...$400 of rent money!!
So now i'm fearing for my safety and sanity!!
I don't know what to do. Brent just has this "what do you want me to do about it?" attitude, but he still tries to comfort me and stuff, but I get this feeling of hopelessness.... My mom is a party freak, drinks and does drugs...ugh, NOT someone I look up to
I need a break...i'll come back after....i'm just venting BTW. I need a drink...
"I might be a little young, but honey I ain't naive"
"If it ain't an APBT, it's just a dog"
It's okay, venting is good for you.... Plus so far, you are putting all the capitals in the right place, commas etc, ( did that make you laugh?)...... It was meant to.hello pitty
i'm just venting BTW.
So if you want to pose some questions, go ahead.... you never know what answers may come back that may help...
Otherwise, vent away (smile) i can't do the smily things pressed the wrong button...
X
CW
Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
It doesn't happen over night
if truth were to be told.
Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
you must believe!
oookay, can we say BOT!!!
Anyways, CW I just feel terrible sometimes. I feel a little unstable sometimes, like the tiniest thing can set me off. My body is constantly in "protective mode" and I can never really relax. Sometimes I just feel like someone is going to bust through our window or kick our door down and do horrible stuff!
Do you think I need counseling? This has beyond "eaten me up" and I'm so scared. Brent said to me last night "there's not much we can do". He's right, but to the point of not being able to control what happens on the outside. But I need him to support me emotionally. I know I can be a whiny baby sometimes, but come on!! I am freaking traumatized here!! The thing that sticks with me is that the cops didn't even bother looking for him very good...I think they just drove around the block once and that was it!! It also took them 20 minutes to get there!!! I bet if we were a rich white family they'd be nit picking the streets to this day.
I just hate this neighborhood...we're bottom priority with the cops and the city, and the justice system HAS proven themselves racist time after time. I DO feel like a minority, although I never have before...it sucks, but what can I do about it? I'm just a slobbering Indian in the hood with no job! and according to "them" I'm a dirty drunk, druggie with no life. They label ALL of us like that...even whites in this community....but no one cares...no cops, more freedom for the REAL losers to do stuff like drink, dope up or do crime.... *sigh*
Wheew...I REALLY needed to vent....thanks for listening
oh yeah, instead of drinking last night, I went to Bingo lol. I won like $10, but it's better than nothing!! hehe
"I might be a little young, but honey I ain't naive"
"If it ain't an APBT, it's just a dog"
Okay a little Vague
lol I am talking about that loser that tried to kick our door down last fall. I forgot to press the ENTER key twice lol...sorry long nightThe thing that sticks with me is that the cops didn't even bother looking for him very good...I think they just drove around the block once and that was it!! It also took them 20 minutes to get there!!! I bet if we were a rich white family they'd be nit picking the streets to this day.
"I might be a little young, but honey I ain't naive"
"If it ain't an APBT, it's just a dog"
lol.. Hey winning is winning, see you didn't spend the $10 on drinking, so you therefore made $20~~
I think there is way too much going on in your life that is negative, and frightening and consequently you do need support and lots of it, your not winy, you'll head for a meltdown, if not... It's like one thing after another, but more importantly, it's a sincere fear that is lurking.
1.. I'd be telling Brent, you love me, I'm your Fiance and i can not take this anymore, i want that fence up and i want it up now, and I'm prepared to help you, i can't live like this in fear anymore... Express the honesty and fear, not just a comment passing that he is ignoring.
2. Do you have to stay? You say that your jobs don't occur because of your emotions, can you and Brent move way out somewhere, to a 1 bedroom place? If you were both working? If you didn't fear so much maybe you'd be happier and therefore, clean, babysit what ever you have to to earn the income, but be happy about it.
3. Your Mother is also bringing you down... She probably herself a long time ago felt like you and drugs and alcohol are the means for her, maybe i don't' know that, but point being, you don't need to be around that, nor ever like that...
You have inner strength to the "hilt", otherwise you would have gone out drinking not Bingo...
It's still there.
So, start "planning" your escape, even if it's the fence, then a job because you know you can, save bits and then vamoose....
But, get your head around this, nothing is impossible, it may be slightly better, which will feel like 10 times better and each month as it passes and you see some goals happening, it will get even better.
Thanks for sharing...
CW
Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
It doesn't happen over night
if truth were to be told.
Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
you must believe!
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