I just learned from one adult daughter that my older adult daughter was molested by her father when she was little. For the past 14 years she has lashed out at me and alienated me and encouraged her sister and brother to do the same. I could not understand the hatred and bitterness that she had towards me and at some point I even questioned her if I had missed something in her childhood that would have turned her this way. ONe of my co-workers suggested that she displayed the classic signs of being molested and I read up on the internet about it and that also led me to believe that that had happened. I delicately questioned her about this and she replied that I should not believe everything that I have been told or that I have read. She didn't directly deny it, but she led me to believe that I was on the wrong track. More years have gone by, believing that my children despised me and believing that their father was poisoning their minds against me. I couldn't imagine what I did to them that was so bad to be alienated. Despairing, I let a diagnosis of pre-cancerous cells grow into a diagnoses of cancer. I begged God to take me home as life was not worth living. To make a long story short, my middle daughter began talking to me again and apologized for the cruel way that she had treated me. I got a check-up, found out I had cancer, had surgery, and began living again with a renewed sense of hope. My middle daughter divulged some blood boiling stories of how badly her father treated her while she was living with him, although none of which was directly sexual, but was at least questionable. She was no longer having anything to do with him, and became much more loving towards me. Then, for no apparent reason, she started talking to her father more and more and her relationship with me began to diminish. Now she tells me that "something happened to her older sister before her father left me and that is why she has been so angry". SHe tells me that she is not at liberty to discuss this, and that I will have to wait until older sister is ready to tell me. I told her that I questioned her years ago if she had been molested and that she had denied it. Well I don't need to go into the details, but I now know that their father had molested her. I asked her if she had also been molested and she said that she didn't think so. I also asked her if she was still having anything to do with her father and she said yes, that he was a "changed man", that "God had a reason for letting her go thru this" (I have no doubt that her father put that "bull" into her head), and that it wasn't her place to judge him. She is also insistant that I do not talk to anyone about this until her sister is ready to talk to me. She is telling me that I need to just read my Bible and pray about it. I want to SCREAM! I am experiencing the full gammut of emotions, but mostly I am angry. I don't want to put my head in the sand and quite frankly, their father needs to be rotting in a jail cell somewhere and at the very least needs to be on the list of sexual predators! AFter already living through the pain of alienation and wishing to die, it is a tempting thought to kill him, but I fear that my children are going to need me as the reality of what has happened to them comes to light. He exploited their need to have a relationship with their father to turn them against me, he used them as weapons to destroy me. It hurts, really, really hurts that they would have anything at all to do with him. Clearly, I need counseling.

My dear, it seems like counseling sounds like a very honorable idea.

I am terribly sorry for your daughters and for yourself as well. What has happened to your family is a travesty and your right, their father should indeed be on a predators list or in jail. There is never any excuse for that sort of behavior.
However, what is done is done. I hate to say it in such brief and seemingly uncaring terms and i assure you that this is not the case. I feel a very strong empathy for your family and your situation. I only say that because I have had similar events happen to me in the past and would never have moved on unless I came to accept that what has happened in the past will forever remain in the past. Its unchangeable and I have to accept that.
Forgiveness is the ideal circumstance, but how do we forgive those who have hurt us and our loved ones? Sometimes forgiveness seems impossible so instead, I offer to you the advice of acceptance.
Death never will be the answer. I believe the mistakes that we make in this life we are bound to make in the next unless we learn from them now. I believe that very strongly.
Feel strength in the fact that there are women who know your situation and are there to say, "I understand. Ive been there. Dry your eyes and let me help you." Take comfort in the fact that your daughters are alive and have faith. Let them come to you with time and patience.
My advice to you is to see a psychologist. They know how to handle these things a lot better than some kindred spirit on the other end of a computer screen.
Be strong and know that the more you survive, the more you learn.

All the love and luck in the world to you my dear.

What a horrendous situation.

Are you still in contact with your childrens father? If so, and youre not fearful of this man, then i would suggest confronting him - whether this be alone or in front of your children. I believe that the daughter that confided in you, doesnt want you to approach your other daughter, as she is concerned that she will then land herself in trouble.

Nevertheless, i believe that the situation should be brought out into the open, for everyones sake....especially your own.

It sounds like this man has warped your childrens minds, if he is capable of moleseting your children, he is quite capable of 'tricking' them into believing that it was their fault, or that he did not do anything wrong.

Counseling is nothing to be ashamed of, and i would strongly urge that you undergo this, thus getting professional advice on what steps to take next.... im so sorry for your situation, but as the previous poster said death shouldnt come into the equation, youll only have to re-live this again in the next life.....

Best wishes, i hope you get the communcation and justice back that you deserve.

Counseling is nothing to be ashamed of,

If you come back to read the replies,

Why not also join a group of women whom have suffered simular situations to that of your own.

There, you will gain much understanding, friendship, whilst listening to how each and everyone handled the situation themselves and what assisted them in getting past the anger, pain and hurt that you are feeling.

You are in a difficult situation in that one daughter has told you against her sister's wishes, and that daughter has not informed you and this may be for alot of reasons, and the husband will never admit to anything..

Your daughter also needs councelling, not just you, so she can understand the whole situation.

Hense why i am suggesting you seek out a group, as well as the suggestions above for yourself, before you act, as your daughter is also suffering and may not accept your new knowledge and spiral worse.

CW