Thread: Depression is no excuse

Originally Posted by shweedart

This thread is no-where near as harsh as my title makes it out to be, by any means!

My mum and dad have recently separated because she's 'unhappy'
I've never liked my mum and as far as I'm concerned she's never been to keen on me either. As long as I can remember I've never had a real mother figure! It sounds horrible of me to say but when she lived with us she really was pretty much someone who cooked and done my washing, we never spoke or anything like that. I have no idea when the last time my mum said I love you, gave me advice...you know? Mum stuff

anyway back to the point! She's living with my Gran and she's not coming back basically. My dad has put it down to her being depressed and that she's not well and all this tripe! I've been depressed before and I know how extremely hard it is but I really don't see it as an excuse in all honesty

I'm being forced to talk to her, hug her, give her a kiss on the cheek and I really don't want to! It's all fake but because she's 'depressed' I have to start a relationship with my mother that has never been there before


before now I had no idea how to use the dishwasher, clean a bathroom or a floor, iron or even change my bedding! Then one day she upped & left and from then on its been 'Grace why havn't you done this? your so lazy'
I've been thrown in the deep end and I'm in way over my head. I wasn't magically born with the knowledge of keeping a house running at the age of 17! Everyone around me's attitude seems to be 'You should know'

I hardly see my friends because I'm doing everything at home! Because my house is something along the lines of a farm house its immensley difficult to keep up with! So I too am becoming depressed, I'm suffering but I'm biting my lip and getting on with it to help my dad.


The entire point to my thread was to simply say being depressed is no excuse for pretty much abandoning your youngest daughter and giving her the weight of the world on her shoulders


Typical teenager, Its not fair!

You're right, depression is not an excuse but it is a reason for our behaviour sometimes. If you've been depressed as you say then you will understand that it's not something you choose nor is it something you can just "snap out of it".

You describe your relationship with your mum the same way Id probably describe mine with my mum. I think my mum has probably always been depressed which stopped her forming a good relationship with me and vice versa. Because of her depression and therefore lack of good judgement I grew up in an unhappy household and I too have spent most of my life depressed. I also had to practically run the home because she couldn't cope with normal everyday stuff and yes it does take it's toll on a kid. Running a home is hard enough for a well-adjusted adult.

But depression is a mental illness. I don't know what caused your mum's depression of course but if she was given suitable help and possibly medication she could come back from it and try to make amends.

You can't be expected to build a relationship with your mum now when you've had nothing to build on for so long but if you can try and understand that there must be something deeply troubling her it might help you to forgive.

If you haven't already read it, please read my thread "Homecoming...." under this subject (mental health). It would be good for your own healing but also for you to maybe understand what might have gone wrong in your mum's life.

Whatever your mum has been through, it's not your fault and it must have been (and still be) really difficult for you. All I can say is try and get help for your own 'inner child' and try to look at things from your mum's point of view.

OK, so you don't have a good relationship with your mother. She hasn't been there for you, been the mentor you needed or provided the love you wanted. However, where would you be without her? Still a glint in your fathers eye?

And now she is gone, presumably to try to salvage whatever she can of her life. Does she deserve a life and happiness too? Or did she forfeit that right when she concieved you? Now that she has gone, you have seen what she has been doing (and by the sounds of it) without complaining for the last 17+ years, and instead of being glad that she held on as long as she did until you were basically an adult you're angry that she's gone.... I understand, it is difficult, the world is hard, and it would be nice if she'd have made it another year 'til you went to university or whatever. However, 17 isn't too young to use a washing machine and make the odd meal. I was bunking college smoking skunk when I was 17, I had plenty of time to do a little work. Maybe if I had I'd be a better person now haha. Being 17 and not knowing how to change your bedding? use a dishwasher? I'm a man from a "functional" family, and I was washing up, cooking, making my bed, cleaning (a bit) when I was 15. And younger. It sounds to me like your mother has done a good job of keeping you in an easy bubble until now, it's just a shame it's burst.

You would be nothing without your mother, you wouldn't exist. You owe her your everything. Even if you don't respect her, or don't like her, this does not change the facts. And it doesn't even mean that you can't resent her. It does however mean that you're being a selfish brat by not considering anything that she has gone through. As for starting a relationship with her for the sake of her depression? I guess that comes down to what you personally feel. Would you like to make a little effort to try and help your creator feel a bit normal or would you rather punish a suffering woman for her mistakes? We don't choose our family, you only have one of them, and then they die off. Then you're alone.

Now, I really haven't tried to attack you or upset you, I'm just trying to get you to look at things from a more objective point of view, family issues can be very hard to see from the inside. Pointless emotions get built up, stored and stacked away to come pouring out later on. In terms of doing all the work, no, you shouldn't be doing everything. You don't need to make everywhere immaculate and make roasts every day, and wash everyone's clothes. A couple of hours a week should be plenty to keep the house in relatively good shape. Washing clothes is easy, dishwashers are easy, if you're cooking, there are plenty of easy meals. I moved out at 18 and was fending for myself, paying my own bills and rent, blah blah (well, with a student loan lol).

Is it fair? Perhaps, perhaps not. Is the world fair? Certainly not. What's the point of complaining about what is, when what is is all there is. Is depression a valid excuse for abandoning a child a year before you could legally throw her onto the street? Maybe, maybe not. As you're 17 I'm guessing you haven't truly seen the depths of depression so you couldn't understand. There is a reason that is classed as a medical condition rather than a "dust yourself off and try again you lazy twat" diagnosis. Life is pointless, you are devoid of energy, you care about nothing.

Try to let your pent up frustration and anger go, and maybe feel some pity for the woman who is the reason you existed. You and her other children are really probably the only important things she has ever achieved.

Please don't be offended by anything I said, but.... I am right. I'm always right.