how do I stop myself from yelling?

Ronnie · 11-01-2008, 03:10 PM

I have 2 boys aged 5 and 7, because they are so close in age they bicker ALL THE TIME! It really gets on my last nerve, so i start yelling because no form of punishment has worked for me. I used to send the oldest to his room or a corner somewhere and he goes there no problem, this doesn't seem like a punishment because he's just playing anyway. I know I shouldn't yell because its bad for their self esteem, but I just can't help it!
I feel like a bad mother. Sometimes I think they would be better off without me, I really don't want to **** them up emotionally, somebody please help!!

**WildChild** · 11-01-2008, 10:56 PM

This may sound a little odd but it really helped when my kids were younger, there are some Berenstein Bear and Little Critter books that deal with this issue. Get them and start reading them to your kids as part of reading time. Mine always responded well to this.

You won't mess them up, by teaching them some self control and appropriate behavior. Kids need boundries and need to know that their parents are in control. If you have to send them both to their rooms for some quiet time to give yourself time to calm down. Yelling probably isn't bad for their self esteem but it isn't very effective if you do it often, try getting quiet so they have really listen to hear you. What should be avoided is telling them that they are 'bad', 'impossible', 'stupid', things of that sort. Focus on the behavior that you want rather than what is wrong.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-02-2008, 02:27 AM

If you feel that they are 'better off without you' and you feel that you are doing something wrong, they will play on that..

You need to realise that what you have tried so far, is actually very smart and clever, sending the oldest one into his room or a corner, but the thing is the younger one realises that he got away with something and so the bickering goes on, because the youngest one knows that Mummy will punish the older one cause he is the oldest so it's a game.

Start saying " oh you two are such children really aren't you, hey, shall we watch a video together? " in-other-words say ahhh don't care, and turn the situation into something totally different ignore.

So, even, okay time to make popcorn stop winning to each other, you know you love each other, want to help?

Change the subject every time and believe in yourself... Believe.

CW

Ronnie · 11-02-2008, 04:23 AM

Thank you for your responses.

I feel alot better thanks, today they started again as usual and I suggested we go for a walk, they forgot for a moment and things continued as normal.

My oldest son is very possessive over his toys and this is what starts most of the fights, I have talked to him about the importance of sharing, but his attitude is, it's mine, don't touch my stuff!

They are both very jealous of each other, when one gets attention the other sulks, I try to treat both fairly, but apparently its not enough!

It's hard being a mom and even harder being a good one!

rileysbestbet · 12-06-2008, 11:36 PM

Something I used to do when my boys would start to bicker and argue...I would wait to see how far it would escalate, and if it sounded like they were going to keep it up, I would drag out a dust rag and a sweeper and told them if they had enough energy to argue, they had enough energy to clean house. They were probably 4 and 6 at the time. That worked great. It also worked with yard work during the nice weather. I always found some sort of work for them to do if they kept arguing. They grew up to be best friends, and I think a lot of that is due to the fact that I never allowed them to behave badly toward each other. As far as keeping from yelling, I ran the gamut, from splashing cold water on my face to hiding in the bathroom and counting as high as I needed to. I also made signs and posted them around the house to remind myself to breathe, count, splash water, etc. My husband was a fireman, so worked 24 hour shifts, and I did not have any family help, so I had to be creative.

N01 · 12-07-2008, 04:32 AM

Ronnie,

first off, they would not be better off without you. it's obvious you are a loving and caring mother, or else you wouldn't be bothered by this.

from reading your post it seems like you are having the same prob my other half had with our kids when they were growing up. she would always threaten but never really punish. she used to always say to the kids something like "stop doing (whatever) or I'm gonna slap ya". well of course she never slapped them, just kept on saying it over and over to the point where the kids lost all respect for her and even said right back to her face "I'm gonna slap ya" and then walk away laughing.

sending kids to their room isn't punishment either. they just go there and play or read or nap or whatever.

give them a chore to do, or some light housework. If you are gonna make them sit in a corner, make it where you can keep an eye on them and they have to listen or hear something on the radio or TV that they hate, like the news or something.

Janel1969 · 12-08-2008, 08:47 AM

Dear Ronnie,
Wow! Talk about similarities! Six years ago, I sent my 2 children (ages 10 and 5 at the time) to live with family. I didn't know what else to do because I was very abusive! I didn't only yell, but I hit too! One day, as I was standing over my children with a wire hanger about to "let them have it" something snapped in me, and I cried nonstop for 2 hours. I gave them up because I feared myself and what I might do to them. I knew I needed help and because I have NEVER been comfortable with "shrinks", I did what I knew I had to do to insure their safety. Now PLEASE don't get me wrong with this response....I am not in ANY way advising you to give up your children! I am just trying to tell you that you are NOT alone! It doesn't make you a bad mother because you yell at your children. Children are NOT EASY!!!! Nobody is perfect.....not even mothers! Don't get down on yourself just because you YELL at them. Some people don't realize that the way we bring up our children has a lot to do with how WE were raised. The fact that you are AWARE of the problem is your first step! Take it easy on yourself.....it's just frustration and negative energy and it can be relieved in other ways besides yelling. Try leaving the room and screaming in a pillow. Try splashing really cold water on your face. Try listening to music or going for a short walk. The bottom line is you are not alone and you are not perfect! Take good care of YOURSELF.....take steps that you believe are necessary to insure YOUR happiness! If your happy, your children will be happy too!

Married15 · 12-24-2008, 06:48 AM

Quote:

I would wait to see how far it would escalate, and if it sounded like they were going to keep it up, I would drag out a dust rag and a sweeper and told them if they had enough energy to argue, they had enough energy to clean house. They were probably 4 and 6 at the time. That worked great. It also worked with yard work during the nice weather. I always found some sort of work for them to do if they kept arguing.

This is what mom did to me and exactly what I do with my kids... I have 4, but my two oldest are 14 and 12 boys...They bicker NON STOP , and it drives me batty at times! I feel for you when you say you feel like a bad person for yelling, I am guilty of this myself...But you are not a bad mom for being human! We all have our limits and need a break!

With 4 kids I have learned that the stereotypical supermom is NOT me! ....But my kids still love me none the less as I know yours do!

But the above is great advice ans someone else also said "get quiet"...It's funny, cause when I get quiet, is when they worry! Especially my teenager!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-28-2008, 02:39 AM

I think you have to somehow find a balance of "friends" and make them feel that you are their friend someone they can confide with and talk to, as well as an authoriterian, not that they are afraid of you, rather "respect" you...

What would I know.. I'm not a Mum but that's how I believe you can get a child to work with you.

I am an Aunty, and they call me AK, instead of Aunty and my name.

Instant respect, and conversations we have had, as "friends" has been amazing, but on the same accord, I have given my advice that I know that they have taken, as a result.

CW

**Skybluupink** · 12-29-2008, 02:28 PM

You control your emotions, not kids, not a spouse, family member or anyone else. Just take a deep breath and pause to think before you speak or otherwise. I was the oldest of two - me and my little sister. It sounds like both of your kids need undivided attention from you individually. If you can spend two days a month, one with the oldest and one with the youngest, it will give them the attention they both need and deserve from you. You don't have to spend money, you can go to a park, museum, or you can make "date nights" where you take each one out separately to a place they prefer for dinner. In this type of setting you can talk about their interests and give them praise, like, "I really liked the way you shared your toys today with your little brother, that made me very proud of you to see you being such a good big brother." I think you know what I mean here. If there is someone, a friend or family member that can watch one while you're out with the other that would be great. You will see a bond grow not only between you and each of your boys, but the boys bonding between one another as they each feel more loved and empowered with confidence by you.

And when all else fails, divide the playtime and announce that it's time to start cleaning because the two can't find a way to get along and assign them each to their own age appropriate tasks of cleaning or sweeping something - speaking from personal experience - this one works!

11-01-2008, 03:10 PM	#1
Ronnie Junior Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Posts: 11	how do I stop myself from yelling? I have 2 boys aged 5 and 7, because they are so close in age they bicker ALL THE TIME! It really gets on my last nerve, so i start yelling because no form of punishment has worked for me. I used to send the oldest to his room or a corner somewhere and he goes there no problem, this doesn't seem like a punishment because he's just playing anyway. I know I shouldn't yell because its bad for their self esteem, but I just can't help it! I feel like a bad mother. Sometimes I think they would be better off without me, I really don't want to **** them up emotionally, somebody please help!!

11-02-2008, 02:27 AM	#3
CHANDLERS WISH WH Moderator Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 9,928 Blog Entries: 7	If you feel that they are 'better off without you' and you feel that you are doing something wrong, they will play on that.. You need to realise that what you have tried so far, is actually very smart and clever, sending the oldest one into his room or a corner, but the thing is the younger one realises that he got away with something and so the bickering goes on, because the youngest one knows that Mummy will punish the older one cause he is the oldest so it's a game. Start saying " oh you two are such children really aren't you, hey, shall we watch a video together? " in-other-words say ahhh don't care, and turn the situation into something totally different ignore. So, even, okay time to make popcorn stop winning to each other, you know you love each other, want to help? Change the subject every time and believe in yourself... Believe. CW __________________ Do we not realise that in order to find a soul It doesn't happen over night if truth were to be told Like everything in life that's hard to achieve you must believe! Register! \| Rules/FAQ \| Contact Mod

12-08-2008, 08:47 AM	#7
Janel1969 Junior Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Posts: 5	I feel ya Ronnie! Dear Ronnie, Wow! Talk about similarities! Six years ago, I sent my 2 children (ages 10 and 5 at the time) to live with family. I didn't know what else to do because I was very abusive! I didn't only yell, but I hit too! One day, as I was standing over my children with a wire hanger about to "let them have it" something snapped in me, and I cried nonstop for 2 hours. I gave them up because I feared myself and what I might do to them. I knew I needed help and because I have NEVER been comfortable with "shrinks", I did what I knew I had to do to insure their safety. Now PLEASE don't get me wrong with this response....I am not in ANY way advising you to give up your children! I am just trying to tell you that you are NOT alone! It doesn't make you a bad mother because you yell at your children. Children are NOT EASY!!!! Nobody is perfect.....not even mothers! Don't get down on yourself just because you YELL at them. Some people don't realize that the way we bring up our children has a lot to do with how WE were raised. The fact that you are AWARE of the problem is your first step! Take it easy on yourself.....it's just frustration and negative energy and it can be relieved in other ways besides yelling. Try leaving the room and screaming in a pillow. Try splashing really cold water on your face. Try listening to music or going for a short walk. The bottom line is you are not alone and you are not perfect! Take good care of YOURSELF.....take steps that you believe are necessary to insure YOUR happiness! If your happy, your children will be happy too!

12-28-2008, 02:39 AM	#9
CHANDLERS WISH WH Moderator Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 9,928 Blog Entries: 7	I think you have to somehow find a balance of "friends" and make them feel that you are their friend someone they can confide with and talk to, as well as an authoriterian, not that they are afraid of you, rather "respect" you... What would I know.. I'm not a Mum but that's how I believe you can get a child to work with you. I am an Aunty, and they call me AK, instead of Aunty and my name. Instant respect, and conversations we have had, as "friends" has been amazing, but on the same accord, I have given my advice that I know that they have taken, as a result. CW __________________ Do we not realise that in order to find a soul It doesn't happen over night if truth were to be told Like everything in life that's hard to achieve you must believe! Register! \| Rules/FAQ \| Contact Mod

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11-01-2008, 10:56 PM	#2
WildChild Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Western USA Posts: 6,230 Blog Entries: 5	This may sound a little odd but it really helped when my kids were younger, there are some Berenstein Bear and Little Critter books that deal with this issue. Get them and start reading them to your kids as part of reading time. Mine always responded well to this. You won't mess them up, by teaching them some self control and appropriate behavior. Kids need boundries and need to know that their parents are in control. If you have to send them both to their rooms for some quiet time to give yourself time to calm down. Yelling probably isn't bad for their self esteem but it isn't very effective if you do it often, try getting quiet so they have really listen to hear you. What should be avoided is telling them that they are 'bad', 'impossible', 'stupid', things of that sort. Focus on the behavior that you want rather than what is wrong.

11-02-2008, 04:23 AM	#4
Ronnie Junior Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Posts: 11	Thank you for your responses. I feel alot better thanks, today they started again as usual and I suggested we go for a walk, they forgot for a moment and things continued as normal. My oldest son is very possessive over his toys and this is what starts most of the fights, I have talked to him about the importance of sharing, but his attitude is, it's mine, don't touch my stuff! They are both very jealous of each other, when one gets attention the other sulks, I try to treat both fairly, but apparently its not enough! It's hard being a mom and even harder being a good one!

12-06-2008, 11:36 PM	#5
rileysbestbet Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 4	Something I used to do when my boys would start to bicker and argue...I would wait to see how far it would escalate, and if it sounded like they were going to keep it up, I would drag out a dust rag and a sweeper and told them if they had enough energy to argue, they had enough energy to clean house. They were probably 4 and 6 at the time. That worked great. It also worked with yard work during the nice weather. I always found some sort of work for them to do if they kept arguing. They grew up to be best friends, and I think a lot of that is due to the fact that I never allowed them to behave badly toward each other. As far as keeping from yelling, I ran the gamut, from splashing cold water on my face to hiding in the bathroom and counting as high as I needed to. I also made signs and posted them around the house to remind myself to breathe, count, splash water, etc. My husband was a fireman, so worked 24 hour shifts, and I did not have any family help, so I had to be creative.

12-07-2008, 04:32 AM	#6
N01 Banned from WH Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 809	Ronnie, first off, they would not be better off without you. it's obvious you are a loving and caring mother, or else you wouldn't be bothered by this. from reading your post it seems like you are having the same prob my other half had with our kids when they were growing up. she would always threaten but never really punish. she used to always say to the kids something like "stop doing (whatever) or I'm gonna slap ya". well of course she never slapped them, just kept on saying it over and over to the point where the kids lost all respect for her and even said right back to her face "I'm gonna slap ya" and then walk away laughing. sending kids to their room isn't punishment either. they just go there and play or read or nap or whatever. give them a chore to do, or some light housework. If you are gonna make them sit in a corner, make it where you can keep an eye on them and they have to listen or hear something on the radio or TV that they hate, like the news or something.

12-29-2008, 02:28 PM	#10
Skybluupink VIP Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: California Posts: 53	You control your emotions, not kids, not a spouse, family member or anyone else. Just take a deep breath and pause to think before you speak or otherwise. I was the oldest of two - me and my little sister. It sounds like both of your kids need undivided attention from you individually. If you can spend two days a month, one with the oldest and one with the youngest, it will give them the attention they both need and deserve from you. You don't have to spend money, you can go to a park, museum, or you can make "date nights" where you take each one out separately to a place they prefer for dinner. In this type of setting you can talk about their interests and give them praise, like, "I really liked the way you shared your toys today with your little brother, that made me very proud of you to see you being such a good big brother." I think you know what I mean here. If there is someone, a friend or family member that can watch one while you're out with the other that would be great. You will see a bond grow not only between you and each of your boys, but the boys bonding between one another as they each feel more loved and empowered with confidence by you. And when all else fails, divide the playtime and announce that it's time to start cleaning because the two can't find a way to get along and assign them each to their own age appropriate tasks of cleaning or sweeping something - speaking from personal experience - this one works!