JulyMama06

I also have an unruly child. My daughter turned 3 in July and for the last year or so has been totally out of control. Mouthing back, not listening. I could ask her to do something time and time again and she'll ignore me. Within the past few weeks I have started putting fresh ground black pepper on her tongue when she talks back. It worked at first and now she has started talking back again. The thing, though, is that she is only like this at home. She's great when we take her out, when she's at daycare, when she's with either set of grandparents...but the second we get home she turns into a terror. She destroys her toys and doesn't care. I make her throw away torn books or ripped up dolls, etc. and she thinks it's funny. When she misuses her toys we put them in her closet and she does not get them back. She's down to almost no toys and could care less.

I don't like spanking but have done it a few times and am not proud of it and find it doesn't have any desired effect. We do timeouts all the time (sitting quietly against the wall in one spot with no toys or tv) but that doesn't seem to work, as soon as she's out she's back at it. We've shut her in her room with no toys and it helps a little. I have found that yelling/raising your voice allows them to sense that you're frustrated and only makes the behavior worse so I try as hard as I can not to do that.

I am also at my wits end and don't know what to do next...

terimary

Difficult situations. I hope you find your answers.

One suggestion - If you tell (don't ask) your child to do something and he doesn't do it. Don't tell again. Go to him, pick him up, and move him to do what you insist he do. For example. "Bobby, Don't touch the TV." If Bobby touches the TV again, you get up and move him to another place. Be firm. Don't let him go back and touch the TV. Don't explain, don't argue, just insist. (Imagine what you would do if he tried to go into a busy street. You'd stop him.) You are big, he is little. If you have to, you can hold him in place until he stops the behavior. (No explanation is needed. You say, "NO; it means NO." Then, do this with everything. If you're consistent he'll know that you mean what you say and he can't go against you. It is important to do this each and every time. If you don't insist that he obey, even once, the misbehavior is reinfoced. Consistency is the key. It is exhausing to make this change, but if you stay consistent his behavior should change and it will be a lot easier for you. Remember, he gets one chance to obey, then Mom takes charge. "Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean."

I understand frustration, but please never let anyone hit, yell-at, or demean your child. It won't improve the behavior and will only cause more problems.

Now is the time to change any pattern of hitting or yelling. If you feel out of-control call a friend who can calm you. Give yourself a time-out. Get away from your child for a few minutes. If you try to ignore the child when he is acting-out, he'll find out that misbehaving doesn't work. He wants your attention. If you engage with him when he is behaving, he'll find out that behaving works. Little by little you can condition his behavior.

Most of all, don't be hard on yourself. You love your child. You're learning along with him. You have the loving responsibilty to say, "NO." The child will test you. You are the Mom. You get to decide. So, give the above system a try. It might work and it can't hurt.

Best to you and to all Moms.