haha.. ya reckon?
If that ever happens sweet, she will have seen the love of this "family" and remember the past one..
He didn't ring to say I love you, he rang to whinge and whine... She is 11, she will be able to see that..
Get over this guilt thing... You know we are right, there isn't any, if any he should have it not you..
Smile "happy ending".
CW
Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
It doesn't happen over night
if truth were to be told.
Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
you must believe!
you are so right, thinking back, he would ring up half drunk, tell me how tough everything was for 30 minutes and then i would say do you want to talk to your daughter, and he would talk to her for 2 minutes tops, never asked her how she was etc, even now he never asks if she's ok or what she's up to. i am actually thinking back on a lot of things, i dont know why its all surfacing now, maybe because i am so happy. hind sight is a wonderful thing.
just to add another reason why she might feel bad, is that i left him because of an incident with her. he was violent towards her, and that was the catalyst for us to leave, i finally said to him, he either got help or we left. he declined, and we walked. its certainly not her fault and she is totally aware of that, but guilt and bad feelings can be funny. just had a newsflash maybe i'm projecting MY guilty feelings onto her.
sounds like you have been doing the right thing all along. I wouldn't force your daughter to go to counseling, because it can make kids believe that the situation IS their fault, even when it clearly isn't.
let her know its available for her or for the both of you if she'd like to give it a try. she sounds pretty mature already from what you have written, so give her the option.
I think if you teach your daughter we all have the choice of self control........ he was the adult he did not excerise that choice instead he gave into anger and was violent. He made that choice not her. That he has never been able to see past his own pain in life to care for other s and have compassion towards others.......... its about him and his pain, his loss, his suffering. He is to busy playing victim to realize we have all suffered some type of loss in life. His drinking amplifies this behavior to the point of self destruction.
You did what any mother would do... you protected your child as he should have been doing to. We are all fighting some type of internal battle it doesn't mean the rest of the world must pay for it.
Letting go and healing is a wonderful thing good luck in you and your daughters journey with this
In an earlier post I suggested that she "sees" how you react, feel... So, yes, she needs to know that you also know it's not your fault, not her fault it's his guilt, he did it, all of it, ...
Seems your mind is opening up hey... and you are seeing things the way you should.
CW
Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
It doesn't happen over night
if truth were to be told.
Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
you must believe!
thank you all so much for your lovely words of support. i am holding back the tears, but its good to know others feel i did the right thing. i have always wondered, but after he hurt her, if i had stayed i think i would have hurt him - physically that is. anyway youre right, she does have a mature attitude, i think its me, grieving over what could have been, and she's just out enjoying her "new" family. time for me to let go, i think!
I was once told something, and it rings true....
"WASTED YEARS" - Are you really hurt because of the years you wasted.
In reflection, it's a two through.
1. Yes, i am "upset" that I wasted all those years "trying" when I should have walked before.
2. No, I am not, it made me understand what the word "love" is and what I wanted out of that word, and therefore, it taught me.
3. If i hadn't "wasted" all those years and understood from it, I wouldn't find the soul of a man and be able to be estatically happy.
So, would you have missed meeting this guy that you are with? If you hadn't experienced what you won't accept,didn't want, don't like, for you and your daughter?
There are reasons in life why we learn... No grieving, time to understand that something good has come out of it for you two.... This new life... Your "new" family.
CW
Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
It doesn't happen over night
if truth were to be told.
Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
you must believe!
I've been dealing some of this, my kids have refused to see or talk to their father and I'm being taken to court because of it but I support their ability to decide for themselves - they are quite a bit older than your daughter but she is still old enough to have some say. Counseling may be a good idea. Her school might be able to help with that. Reassure her that her feelings are OK. No one can force her to love her father, she shouldn't feel guilty if she doesn't.
She should be learning by now not to put too much weight on his promises or what he says. She needs to know that not everyone is this way. The ability to trust is critical and she's had her trust violated repeatedly. She needs to know that his treatment of her does not reflect her value. You done right to remover her from the situation, keep records of his calls, his failures to show up and general behavior. You never know when he may decide that her feelings about him are your fault and while the story is you are innocent until proven guilty, in this you'll have to prove that you aren't guilty.
thanks wildchild, i thought of that, when we left, i went to see a lawyer because i was afraid he had the right to unsupervised access. but fortunately because she is afraid of him, and because he comes to see her so rarely etc, she is old enough for her wishes to be taken into account AND because no one knows what he is really like, he wouldnt risk coming at us through the courts. he knows i will wash his dirty linen in public, that to him would be the worse punishment of all.
i hope she does know her value, she knows she is my world and that i and other people believe in her. i have even when i was really strapped for cash kept up her piano and horse riding lessons, because they are her passions.
good luck with your legal dealings wildchild, children should not have to see parents if they dont want to.
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