teenage daughter acting out

maxxyknight · 06-02-2009, 02:13 PM

ok just brief history.. was married for 13 years (he is now 45 and i 40).. two children.. now ages 14 (daughter) and 10 (son), separated in July 97, (i moved out and so that the kids wouldn't have to leave friends and their school they have been in since kindergarten i let them stay with their father) father and i remain friends. His girlfriend moved in may of 2008. And of course there is conflict to be expected in their household now. but father is very hmm adament when it comes to who the parents are... him and i are the parents and not any guy or girl friends we may have. They are not to refer to any other guy or girl as step parent or the like. The kids know this. Now we, or i should say the ex is now experiencing a bit of conflict between the girl friend who is older than him.and her 17 yr old daughter living with them too. the daughter goes on trips to europe or out with friends or shopping where as my daughter doesn't for obvious reasons.. i know my daughter is jealous. My ex said he gave her a choice of bedrooms, so she took a smaller room to give the other girl her own bigger room... at which she promptly painted over the pink with black and white, added her mothers 40 inch flat screen, computer, tv stereo among other things. my daughter has room big enough for her bed a double dresser and desk (which i bought for her before i left)and about 2 ft of walking room around it... plus it use to be a furnace room but now is closed in.. anyway.. now she is "being a trouble maker" not doing her chores (laundry dishes cleaning room) talks back to the girlfriend she has even gotten to the point a couple of times of peeing in her pants saying she was too busy playing or doing something she accidently did it.... taking the girlfriends clothes... so now the ex wants me to talk to her have a mother daughter weekend together and "get to the bottom of things" as he puts it. Says he is at wits end... doesn't know what to do. I told him that its his house his rules i can't help him in that department. but i will talk to her and see if she will tell me whats going on.... are there any other mothers out there from divorces that has had similar incidents wherethe kids act out against the gf or bf of the exs.. i would appreciate any advice.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-02-2009, 04:31 PM

I can see where she's coming from.

There is no equality going on... Time being taken out to make her feel just as important.

Whilst this other girl has a huge TV in her room, your daughter doesn't, she has painted her room and no one offered your daughter, "do you want to paint yours too?"...

It may not be so much of what she has, but what your daughter doesn't have and how she feels about that, that she is not being treated equal in anyway.

The weeing worries me, because I can't see that as being laziness, maybe further attention seeking? Maybe, she has a problem ( weak bladder), maybe she cries herself to sleep and wets her bed and hides it and it continues in daylight sometimes, this part you have to get to the bottom of, it's not healthy for her.

I think your ex has to "share" with his kids and make them feel important, offer them to choose paint to paint their room, change it around as well, find a cheap TV and put it in her room ,those types of things, make it all more equal.

Just my thoughts.

CW

**happy ending** · 06-02-2009, 10:27 PM

yes i think she feels overlooked, neglected and uncared for. i am not saying this is the case but that might be how a teenage girl sees it. also it sounds like you have a lot happening with your boyfriend problems, but it sounds like some bonding time wouldnt go astray. good luck with everything.

**WildChild** · 06-03-2009, 07:37 AM

Remember that time is more important than stuff but you can't be too unequal there either. However peeing her pants, unless there is a medical condition, is an infantial response and completely innapproriate and unacceptable. She sounds like she moved into the martyr mode, that is a really bad habit. She made a choice in her room, why did she chose that one? While I agree that her room may need some attention to make it a more special space for her, what are you able to do with that? It's in his home which he shares with another woman. There will always be someone who has more than we do, whether it's material, relationship or emotional. When you are young and in the same household it's really hard to deal with.

I would question why her father movied this woman in when their economic situations are so different? How is your son coping? If your kids can come to understand that stuff, isn't what gives you value or happiness they will better off in many areas of life. The "keeping up with the Jones"/excess consumption thinking has led to much of this debt situation that is creating so many problems worldwide. Your daughter needs to feel special, we all do. Does she have any special interests or talents that you can nurture?

06-02-2009, 02:13 PM	#1
maxxyknight Junior Member Join Date: May 2009 Location: Embrun, ontario, Canada Posts: 17	teenage daughter acting out ok just brief history.. was married for 13 years (he is now 45 and i 40).. two children.. now ages 14 (daughter) and 10 (son), separated in July 97, (i moved out and so that the kids wouldn't have to leave friends and their school they have been in since kindergarten i let them stay with their father) father and i remain friends. His girlfriend moved in may of 2008. And of course there is conflict to be expected in their household now. but father is very hmm adament when it comes to who the parents are... him and i are the parents and not any guy or girl friends we may have. They are not to refer to any other guy or girl as step parent or the like. The kids know this. Now we, or i should say the ex is now experiencing a bit of conflict between the girl friend who is older than him.and her 17 yr old daughter living with them too. the daughter goes on trips to europe or out with friends or shopping where as my daughter doesn't for obvious reasons.. i know my daughter is jealous. My ex said he gave her a choice of bedrooms, so she took a smaller room to give the other girl her own bigger room... at which she promptly painted over the pink with black and white, added her mothers 40 inch flat screen, computer, tv stereo among other things. my daughter has room big enough for her bed a double dresser and desk (which i bought for her before i left)and about 2 ft of walking room around it... plus it use to be a furnace room but now is closed in.. anyway.. now she is "being a trouble maker" not doing her chores (laundry dishes cleaning room) talks back to the girlfriend she has even gotten to the point a couple of times of peeing in her pants saying she was too busy playing or doing something she accidently did it.... taking the girlfriends clothes... so now the ex wants me to talk to her have a mother daughter weekend together and "get to the bottom of things" as he puts it. Says he is at wits end... doesn't know what to do. I told him that its his house his rules i can't help him in that department. but i will talk to her and see if she will tell me whats going on.... are there any other mothers out there from divorces that has had similar incidents wherethe kids act out against the gf or bf of the exs.. i would appreciate any advice. __________________ MaxxyKnight

06-02-2009, 04:31 PM	#2
CHANDLERS WISH WH Moderator Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 9,890 Blog Entries: 7	I can see where she's coming from. There is no equality going on... Time being taken out to make her feel just as important. Whilst this other girl has a huge TV in her room, your daughter doesn't, she has painted her room and no one offered your daughter, "do you want to paint yours too?"... It may not be so much of what she has, but what your daughter doesn't have and how she feels about that, that she is not being treated equal in anyway. The weeing worries me, because I can't see that as being laziness, maybe further attention seeking? Maybe, she has a problem ( weak bladder), maybe she cries herself to sleep and wets her bed and hides it and it continues in daylight sometimes, this part you have to get to the bottom of, it's not healthy for her. I think your ex has to "share" with his kids and make them feel important, offer them to choose paint to paint their room, change it around as well, find a cheap TV and put it in her room ,those types of things, make it all more equal. Just my thoughts. CW __________________ Do we not realise that in order to find a soul It doesn't happen over night if truth were to be told Like everything in life that's hard to achieve you must believe! Register! \| Rules/FAQ \| Contact Mod

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06-02-2009, 10:27 PM	#3
happy ending Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: western australia Posts: 655	yes i think she feels overlooked, neglected and uncared for. i am not saying this is the case but that might be how a teenage girl sees it. also it sounds like you have a lot happening with your boyfriend problems, but it sounds like some bonding time wouldnt go astray. good luck with everything.

06-03-2009, 07:37 AM	#4
WildChild Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Western USA Posts: 6,223 Blog Entries: 5	Remember that time is more important than stuff but you can't be too unequal there either. However peeing her pants, unless there is a medical condition, is an infantial response and completely innapproriate and unacceptable. She sounds like she moved into the martyr mode, that is a really bad habit. She made a choice in her room, why did she chose that one? While I agree that her room may need some attention to make it a more special space for her, what are you able to do with that? It's in his home which he shares with another woman. There will always be someone who has more than we do, whether it's material, relationship or emotional. When you are young and in the same household it's really hard to deal with. I would question why her father movied this woman in when their economic situations are so different? How is your son coping? If your kids can come to understand that stuff, isn't what gives you value or happiness they will better off in many areas of life. The "keeping up with the Jones"/excess consumption thinking has led to much of this debt situation that is creating so many problems worldwide. Your daughter needs to feel special, we all do. Does she have any special interests or talents that you can nurture?