Why his mother does that????

Meashu · 07-27-2009, 10:28 AM

I am a bonus mom and have a live-in 7 year old boy. He only sees his "mom" on Saturday evenings, through Sunday-day. She is completely capable of raising her son, but chooses not to. My husband has asked her if she could take him for an entire weekend, but she always has to work.

I don't mind that he spends the majority of time with us or that she doesn't pay a cent of child support. What I do get worked up about is, she will tell him all sorts of screwy things about having two mommy's and how he won't love her because of me. He has told me that he feels guilty and doesn't want to make his mommy cry. She tells him that she is upset that I am doing all the "mommy" things, but she doesn't offer to do the "mommy" things herself. In fact the time they spend together is usually spent inside watching TV and eating McDonalds!

Lately, he returns on Sunday and before bed sobs because he misses her only to call her the next morning and recount how sad he was. It breaks my heart to hear him get so upset, but I am starting to think she is setting this scenario up. I really feel it is only causing upset in his little heart and confusing the situation worse. Why is she being so self-serving? Should we address her about it or try to keep his upset to a minimum?

**Little** · 07-27-2009, 10:55 AM

Are you drinking heavily while you're in the charge of your stepson? That points towards a very serious problem, especially since you stated his birth mother is so emotional. He needs to have stability from somewhere and since you cannot control his mother (though you can talk to her and try to help her change her behavior) you must start with yourself.
Also, you said you live in a one-bedroom apartment. Where does the child sleep? Does he have space that is his own? A room of his own? Is your husband watching porn in front of his son? There are so many unanswered questions between all of your posts.
Control what you can in your own space, making sure it is the best possible, before you begin accusing people of not having a perfect environment themselves. It will make your interactions with them much more positive.

Meashu · 07-29-2009, 08:18 AM

Absolutely not! All the poor behavior happens while he is out of the house or past his bed time. I do however agree that it still creates instability whether he is witness to it or not. My husband and I had a long talk about everything last evening and he has agreed to have a discussion with her about keeping things healthy for my stepson and we have agreed to address our issues to make some positive changes.

Thank you for your insight.

Meashu · 07-29-2009, 08:23 AM

Yes, he does have his own room. We split one of the living spaces to create a room for him with his own bunk bed and dresser. Large enough to provide a desk and store his bike underneath. We are looking to move to a larger space, but he has his "own room", albeit small.

**happy ending** · 07-29-2009, 11:35 PM

meashu, honestly i am not judging you, but if you are doing all this drinking, arguing and your hubby is heavy into porn in that small space even if the child is in bed and you think he's not aware that things arent right you are living in cloud cuckoo land - not the real world. i would be more aware of my own behaviour before you start paying out on others. and of course he misses his mother, he may love you but she is still his mother. i have known a lot of children with less than ideal parents (myself included) who love and miss there parents very much when they are apart.

07-27-2009, 10:28 AM	#1
Meashu Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: usa Posts: 9	Why his mother does that???? I am a bonus mom and have a live-in 7 year old boy. He only sees his "mom" on Saturday evenings, through Sunday-day. She is completely capable of raising her son, but chooses not to. My husband has asked her if she could take him for an entire weekend, but she always has to work. I don't mind that he spends the majority of time with us or that she doesn't pay a cent of child support. What I do get worked up about is, she will tell him all sorts of screwy things about having two mommy's and how he won't love her because of me. He has told me that he feels guilty and doesn't want to make his mommy cry. She tells him that she is upset that I am doing all the "mommy" things, but she doesn't offer to do the "mommy" things herself. In fact the time they spend together is usually spent inside watching TV and eating McDonalds! Lately, he returns on Sunday and before bed sobs because he misses her only to call her the next morning and recount how sad he was. It breaks my heart to hear him get so upset, but I am starting to think she is setting this scenario up. I really feel it is only causing upset in his little heart and confusing the situation worse. Why is she being so self-serving? Should we address her about it or try to keep his upset to a minimum?

07-27-2009, 10:55 AM	#2
Little WH Junior Administrator Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: whjuniorad[at]hotmail[dot]com Posts: 1,559 Blog Entries: 4	Are you drinking heavily while you're in the charge of your stepson? That points towards a very serious problem, especially since you stated his birth mother is so emotional. He needs to have stability from somewhere and since you cannot control his mother (though you can talk to her and try to help her change her behavior) you must start with yourself. Also, you said you live in a one-bedroom apartment. Where does the child sleep? Does he have space that is his own? A room of his own? Is your husband watching porn in front of his son? There are so many unanswered questions between all of your posts. Control what you can in your own space, making sure it is the best possible, before you begin accusing people of not having a perfect environment themselves. It will make your interactions with them much more positive. Last edited by Little; 07-27-2009 at 01:36 PM.

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07-29-2009, 08:18 AM	#3
Meashu Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: usa Posts: 9	Absolutely not! All the poor behavior happens while he is out of the house or past his bed time. I do however agree that it still creates instability whether he is witness to it or not. My husband and I had a long talk about everything last evening and he has agreed to have a discussion with her about keeping things healthy for my stepson and we have agreed to address our issues to make some positive changes. Thank you for your insight.

07-29-2009, 08:23 AM	#4
Meashu Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: usa Posts: 9	Yes, he does have his own room. We split one of the living spaces to create a room for him with his own bunk bed and dresser. Large enough to provide a desk and store his bike underneath. We are looking to move to a larger space, but he has his "own room", albeit small.

07-29-2009, 11:35 PM	#5
happy ending Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: western australia Posts: 655	meashu, honestly i am not judging you, but if you are doing all this drinking, arguing and your hubby is heavy into porn in that small space even if the child is in bed and you think he's not aware that things arent right you are living in cloud cuckoo land - not the real world. i would be more aware of my own behaviour before you start paying out on others. and of course he misses his mother, he may love you but she is still his mother. i have known a lot of children with less than ideal parents (myself included) who love and miss there parents very much when they are apart.