terimary

My daughter is 31.

My husband and I have been generous parents. We've taken my daughter and her son in to live with us for 18 months after she got divorced her first husband and lost her job.

We've loaned & given money when times were tough, we've helped with meals, house cleaning, painting, gardening, nearly everything she needed, for years.

I've done a lot of babysitting because I wanted to help and because I enjoyed it.

She also did nice things for me when she could and our relationship was close and loving.

For some reason she stopped speaking to me for a few months. I asked her if something was wrong but she denied that anything was. She's started being nice to me again recently, speaking to me and coming over to visit, so things have improved. However, I still note problems with our relationship.

First, I loaned her $1000.00 8 months ago so that she could get her car fixed. She hasn't paid me back. When I asked about repayment she said that she didn't have the money. However, she and her husband have been spending pretty lavishly.

Second, for the last two holidays, Mother's day and my birthday, she hasn't given me a card or a gift. I give gifts to her, her husband, and each of her three children on their special days. I don't want her to feel obligated to give, and I don't expect expensive presents, but I wonder why she doesn't acknowledge my special days with cards or gifts of any kind..

She gives thoughtful, generous gifts to her friends and to other family members.

On Mother's day she gave cards to her Mother-in-law and to my other daugher who is a new Mom. I think that was very nice, but I was at the same dinner table when she gave out the cards and I didn't receive one.

Yesterday was my birthday. My daugher and her family stopped by today but didn't give me a card.

Two days ago, on her mother-in-law's birthday, my daugher gave mother-in-law 3 birthday cards and a gift.

I feel sad and I wonder what the reason is that she seems to deliberately cut me out of her gift and card list.

I wish she would let me know if she is upset with me so that we could work things out. I also wonder why she doesn't pay me the money she owes.

She used to be very responsible when she borrowed money. She used to give me thoughtful gifts and cards with lovely sentiments. I cherished them. I grieve for our relationship.

I'm confused by her actions. One more thing,

I've been sick for the past 5 years with some autoimmune disorders that prevent me from being as helpful and generous with my time as I once was.

I was taken to the emergency room a few months ago for my illness and my daughter never acknowledged it with a phone call, visit, or anything.

I'm trying to just let her be and to just live my best life, not cutting her off, still loving her, but not being a victim.

My husband is stumped by my daugher's actions. My therapist is stumpted.

My close friends in whom I confide are stumped. I turned to this web site tonight because I felt so sad that she didn't acknowledge my with a card or gift on my birthday. Thanks for providing a place where I can vent.

Any ideas out there?

CHANDLERS WISH

So I'm gathering that she re-married and had more children.

You've been ill for 5 years and did this all start about then?

It could be through fear of losing you so she has distanced herself.

The other thing that comes to mind is all the giving. Whilst she gave back and still does but with other members, perhaps she felt it was always money and not love, only you know that bit.

And, I guess another thing comes to mind, please take this in the right light.. But, have you ever said anything bad about her, about owing you $1000 to anyone? Because, as a daughter, if that got back to her ,she could feel that you betrayed her and put her down...

I can't really think of other reasons I can feel your pain and I'm sorry, obviously you haven't straight out asked her or you have and she won't answer but could it be one of the three above reasons do you think?

Welcome by the way, to the Forum.

CW

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terimary

Thanks for your input Chandlers Wish.

So I'm gathering that she re-married and had more children.

You've been ill for 5 years and did this all start about then?

It could be through fear of losing you so she has distanced herself.

Yes, she remarried. I do think she started distancing about a year after I got sick.

The other thing that comes to mind is all the giving. Whilst she gave back and still does but with other members, perhaps she felt it was always money and not love, only you know that bit.
I just mention the giving I've done to say that I haven't been stingy, selfish, or uncaring with her. I'm afraid that I may have been a little too generous and she now feels entitled more than grateful. She definately knows that she has my love.

But, have you ever said anything bad about her, about owing you $1000 to anyone?
Good question. I haven't mentioned the $1000.00 to anyone. I don't mind waiting for repayment until she "gets on her feet", but she and her husband have been spending money on expensive things like i-phones, lavish restaurants, and trips.

I'm certain that I shouldn't have offered to lend her the money in the first place. Loaning money almost always causes problems for family members.

obviously you haven't straight out asked her or you have and she won't answer
I asked her two times in the past 6 months if something is wrong. She told me that nothing is wrong. She said this in a bit of a huffy end-of-discussion way. I also wrote a letter to her. She didn't respond to my letter.

The main thing for me is that I know that this is about her and not about me. I've done my best and maybe she is doing hers. I know that she has been suffering from depression. She tries to hide it. I think it would be better if she could be more open. I think she struggles in her marriage, too.

I don't know what the problem is that she has with me, so I can't change anything to fix it. As I said, "I'm trying to just let her be and to just live my best life, not cutting her off, still loving her, but not being a victim."

The reason I made the post the other night is because I was feeling sad and thought it would help to write it out and reach out to the forum. It did. Thanks!

robinson88

I am close w/ my mom and whenever I need help, she too assists me (although I am not 31 nor married and no kids) If my mom got sick I would wanna be around her all of the time. But there are times where if I don't have her money, I too grow distant until I get it. I just don't like to feel like that's all she thinks about when I'm around. Maybe u should express to her that although u want to be paid back, that your relationship w/ her means more than the money. And as far as not giving cards and gifts...I'm not too sure about that one.

CHANDLERS WISH

Sounds really that you understand the situation, you won't play Victim and you know how to remain there with your love.

Your right, handing out money should always be looked upon as a "gift" to family because chances of things changing or it never coming back to you is very high and can create problems.

If they "waste" money which is what you are saying, they will never be able to give it back and if she suffers from depression, he's not the one for her either as this time round she should be "happy", perhaps she "settled" again, just not wanting to be lonley.

Good luck and remember what you wrote, your not the victim and you understand .

CW

__________________
Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
It doesn't happen over night
if truth were to be told

Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
you must believe!

Register! | Rules/FAQ | Contact Mod