A son is a son till he takes a wife

**Rainflower** · 10-20-2009 06:52 PM

I am reeling at the fact that my 25-year-old son has more or less gone out of communication with me after moving in with his girlfriend. They say a son is a son until he takes a wife, but I honestly thought we were too close for this to happen.There are many possibly extenuating circumstances. I have a new partner of just over two years. He reckons it does not help to talk about such things, you make decisions and move on. I don't agree and that is why I looked for this forum.

**geedee** · 10-20-2009 07:03 PM

Awwww I understand how you feel. I have a 19 year old son who I know will be where you're at before I know it! The only think I can say is just try to embrace his new life and this person who is making him happy. What ever you do don't become "that" mother in law who is jealous and resentful of the wife/girlfriend. Of course not saying you are.... but I really think its easy to fall into that and not even realize it. Enjoy your new adventures and try and do things with them as couples. That could be fun!

I hope something I said helps you feel a little better. (((HUGS))) I know, I wish I could keep them little forever... they grow up so fast!

**Texinator** · 10-20-2009 08:16 PM

What are some of those extenuating circumstances? I don't think him moving in with his girlfriend has to mean he can't be an active part of your life anymore.

Is she maybe telling him to keep his distance or could he be afraid of being seen as a momma's boy if he has too much contact with you?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-20-2009 08:30 PM

One day they have to fly the roost... We bare them, but they are in-dependent and have to have their own life.

Remember, "girlfriend" is lusting stage and they want to spend as much time together as possible, at some point, they then allow other's back into their life, and new people as well.

If you were close, you will always be close.

Just not in the fashion that you had with "time" but definately with "love"...

You have a new life yourself, it's also time for you to enjoy that new life... You've done the nurturing... It's your turn too.

CW

**yellowpiXi3** · 10-20-2009 09:58 PM

you don't want to be one of those moms that competes with her son's gf. his love for you is different than his love for her. I had a boyfriend once, whom his mom wanted to be number one in his life. She wanted him to answer her calls WHENEVER she called. She went as far as making him feel bad because he didn't attend to her when she wanted. TRUST ME. you DON'T want to be that mom.

He'll have time for you. just be patient.

**yellowpiXi3** · 10-20-2009 10:01 PM

oh, and also, you might not know what his work life is. if he's busy or anything like that.

**dr.mansview** · 10-20-2009 10:23 PM

just continue to let him know that u love him so if his present life disintegrates he won't hesitate to resume communications with you

**Hopeless Dork** · 10-20-2009 10:53 PM

Embrace your sons gf, embrace her. If you are distant to her, she's not going to want to spend time around you --- so you will see less of your son. If you go out of your way to be friendly to his gf she will be the one nudging him for going and visiting you.

They may break up... or this may the be the future mother of your grandkid(s) so I don't know how your relationship is with her, but even if she's not the choice you'd have made for your son, embrace her.

If he feels like you are unhappy with his choice, it will feel like you are unhappy with him -- since he is the one that made that choice. Just be open, friendly... don't get on the "hey why don't you call me anymore" kick... it'll just make the calls and visits less frequent as they wont want to sit and here how bad they are for hours.

Invite them for a sunday dinner every couple of weeks, something you make or some inexpensive place you guys can gather and catch up on each others lives.

Your son loves you so much, and him not contacting you as often doesn't mean his love is any less. It means he is secure in your love, he knows it'll be here... his girlfriend, this is new this is not as bonded as the love you have for him so right now he's adjusting and putting all his time and effort into transitioning into moving in with her and making things work.

He knows mom will be there at the end of the day if he needs her. Kids are selfish beings, later in life he will realize all you sacraficed for him and be sorry for the times he took you for granted, but don't hold your breath

lol.

Just love him as you do and try to be active in his life without being intrusive.

**happy ending** · 10-21-2009 06:08 AM

thats beautiful HD and i agree with you absolutely.

**GOHawks1979** · 11-18-2009 12:56 PM

The first time I heard that saying "A daughter is a daughter for life, a son is a son until he takes a wife" was from my mother in law and I have to say, it's BS.
I think your relationship with your son is a strong and sustainable and you as a mother make it to be.
When I met my husband it did seem to me that his mother was happy for him but when he moved in with me and and stopped going home things turned to me feeling as though I had done something wrong. She in fact in the past has told me "aren't you happy, you got what you wanted, you took him away from us". I was shocked and very heartbroken that she would say that to me. I never intended on taking her baby boy away from her but I deserve to have the full attention of by husband and not a little boy who can't cut the strings don't I?
I once read of a mother who did exactly that for her daughter in law. At her son and new daughters wedding reception after the cake cutting she actually gave her son a pair of scissors and had him cut the strings of the apron she was wearing and then she handed them to her new daughter.
I think Mothers need to look at it as they are gaining something rather than loosing something and maybe there won't be as much strife in in law relationships.
I looked at joining my husbands family as gaining another mother but sadly that's not how its turned out and it really does hurt me.

Being a mother, I am being proactive in this and I pray daily for my son's future wife (even though he's only 9) that she is being raised by loving and kind, trustworthy and faithful parents and that she is being raised with the skills to be a good wife to my son and a good daughter to me and that I will be willing and open to love her.