New Dad needs some opinions from Mums....please :-)

**BigDaddy** · 01-18-2010 08:01 PM

Ok, so rather than post my questions on a Men's forum and get 50 mens answers I thought I'd come here and ask......since there should be some more valid opinions for me.

My girlfriend and I have a gorgeous 7 week old boy but no matter what I seem to do, I never manage to get on top of anything in her eyes. Before our baby I worked 8 or so hours each day, played sport Tuesday night (5-7) and Saturday (12-6) and apart from that I was generally active.

Since our baby was born, I now find myself working 4 or 5 hours a day and spending much more time at home, I am doing a minimum of one feed per night ( I'm going to bed about 8.30 and doing the 2 or 3 am feed and the 6am feed so I'm sleeping around 5-6 hours a night. She sleeps from 11.30 to 8.30ish) I'm doing most (75%) of the cooking, washing when I get to it first and the cleaning of showers, vacuuming etc etc when she hasn't done it first. Were preparing our house for sale and I'm obviously doing all the painting and construction after work too. I make the bottles every day, change nappies, do baths and generally ensure that while I'm home and available I spend as much time with my son as I can.

I'm a little concerned that when I'm asked why I didn't put soap on the shopping list it needs to become an issue......I'm not sitting on the couch watching TV, I've completely given up my sport to be around home on the weekend and I know for a fact I can't get anything else crammed into my days. As is, I eat and go straight to bed so I can do the 2am feed.

I'm now at the stage of becoming disheartened by hearing "I never get any help" or "why can't you remember to get this done?".......repeatedly I now say "next time I"m on the couch doing nothing, remind me to do it"

Should I allow her to prioritise what needs to be done and forget the actual "functional" jobs or just persevere knowing eventually things will settle and my role will once again be appreciated?

Fire at will............

**Adrian15** · 01-19-2010 05:54 AM

I think she feels over-whelmed with a new baby and is not really seeing everything you are already doing with her to help her. Maybe have a sit-down, calm conversation about it with her. Tell her everything you said here and see what happens.

I have had 4 kids, and with each child the initial feelings of being over-whelmed, no matter how much help you are getting, are always there. Give it some time. Especially if she is a new mom. As a new mom, I wanted to do everything so perfect for my son it was crazy. Which could help explain her lack of realization that you are indeed helping her.

**Alaura** · 01-19-2010 06:49 AM

Sounds to me like maybe she is having some difficulty adjusting to being a new mom.She could also be suffering the baby blues maybe you need to take her out on the town and tell her how beautiful she is since having your son.If a woman feels unatractive and its a first baby who is now getting all the attention it can have a negative effect.Maybe a few more compliments about how well she cook's.It's only been weeks...give her time.

**caterpillar79** · 01-19-2010 06:52 AM

Find out her love languages. If her #1 is touch, touch her more. If she feels more love if you say it, tell her and assure her of your affection. (Read the book about Love Languages).

She is of course overwhelmed at the new phase, plus, if she partly breastfeeds, it could also be physically demanding, not to include the hours/times she needs to get up and change nappies, and also feed the baby, at the same time tend to yours as well.

When I was in her shoes, I also said the same comment of not getting any help, and probably, the other party involved felt the same way you do.

*Flashback 9 years...

I expected the man to be on top of everything like the way I do. I basically expected him to read my mind and be like me who could multi-task....my big mistake, I realize NOW.

So, that being said, just be more supportive of her. Do your best to remember your routine and your "must get list". as much as she enjoys and love your baby, she also is having emotional issues which are hormone-induced (post-partum blues). So be more understanding as you can, more loving and supportive.

Congratulations!

**WildChild** · 01-19-2010 07:37 AM

Well as a mother of two, who breastfed exclusively, never had a bottle in the house and who got Zip for any kind of help from their father, I think she's being a bit hard on you. I mean I would go to grocery shop (he wouldn't do it) be gone an hour or two and come back to find either an unchanged baby or dirty diapers (used cloth) piled in the sink and he hadn't cleaned or wiped the child before changing them. He never helped in the house. To me it sounds like you are amazing.

Pregnancy causes a ton of hormonal changes and after delivery it takes time for everything to rebalance. Some women have a much rougher time with this than others. And expectations play a roll too. She is probably feeling overwhelmed and may not even realize how she is acting. Does she get out with some girlfreinds at all? That may do her a world of good - just for a couple hours. And if you can arrange some time for the two of you, it would be good. It doesn't hurt to let the house keeping slide a bit sometimes in order to have some fun. Are there some grandparents close who could watch the baby for a couple hours while the two of you go out for a quiet dinner or a movie?

As the baby gets a little older you will settle into a more comfortable pattern. They start sleeping longer at night and it gets easier. Try to be patient, my guess is this will pass.

**BigDaddy** · 01-19-2010 07:40 PM

I will respond to a few things here and there.

Were exclusively bottle feeding. Poor little guy was a lazy sucker

As for is she getting out etc, we went out until midnight for New Years, she has had 3 or 4 full days with her girlfriends shopping etc while I have been home with munchkin and at least once or twice a week she has people over just to hang out. My parents will take care of him anytime (they already want a sleepover) and were seeing her folks at least once a week. She goes grocery shopping or too appointments at will and either drops our son at my work or I go home.

What seems odd, this Sunday for instance, she is going shopping with a girlfriend and I am staying home with our son. I said I might get mum to come over so I can finish the house off and I was questioned as to why I didn't want to spend time with him.........is there a point at which I'm allowed to bite back?

*edit* and the house is literally spotless........ :-)

**WildChild** · 01-19-2010 08:18 PM

Certainly everything should be open to discussion and compromise.

**deepgrl** · 01-25-2010 01:57 PM

Originally Posted by BigDaddy

I will respond to a few things here and there.

Were exclusively bottle feeding. Poor little guy was a lazy sucker

As for is she getting out etc, we went out until midnight for New Years, she has had 3 or 4 full days with her girlfriends shopping etc while I have been home with munchkin and at least once or twice a week she has people over just to hang out. My parents will take care of him anytime (they already want a sleepover) and were seeing her folks at least once a week. She goes grocery shopping or too appointments at will and either drops our son at my work or I go home.

What seems odd, this Sunday for instance, she is going shopping with a girlfriend and I am staying home with our son. I said I might get mum to come over so I can finish the house off and I was questioned as to why I didn't want to spend time with him.........is there a point at which I'm allowed to bite back?

*edit* and the house is literally spotless........ :-)

Congrats on the bundle of joy!!! It sounds like mom might be having trouble adjusting. Which is very normal. Hormones, baby blues, ect. My little girl is now 3 months and I have just recently started feeling more normal. But I think that maybe you need to just have a talk about how you are feeling because it's important too. She sounds like she is scared of having a man who doesn't want to help out and doesn't want to spend time with his baby. But from what you say she shouldn't be afraid of that. She gets out lots and has lots of help from you and family so that is great for her well being. But don't forget you need time as well. You need to go out and relax with some friends. You are doing your share and soon she needs to step up on her end. You are both parent's so you both do your equal share and so you both need time for yourself too. And if she's not breastfeeding it means that things are easier for her, baby will sleep longer as formula takes longer to digest. Life changes when you have a baby (I have two under 18 months), but people cope and still have fun. Good luck!

**pretzel** · 01-26-2010 07:23 AM

From an old dad,

relax. Both your worlds just changed forever.

Do what needs to be done.

Enjoy the pleasures of being a young father. there's nothing more special than that.

Always remember, don't let the little things bother you.

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