Questions for the mothers out there about sex..

**bowchicka** · 04-17-2010 08:36 PM

How would you feel if your daughter told you she was having sex? At what age would you approve (... if you approved at all, that is) of her dating, having a serious boyfriend, etc? And how old were you when you decided to tell your own parents? Did you even tell your parents and decide to just handle the rest on your own? How did that work out? Are any of you in traditional/strict families?

I'm asking all of this because I'm in a relationship now and I've made the decision to be sexually active. I know that this is a HUGE deal and a very sensitive thing for a mother.

I have a couple of friends my age (19-20) whose mothers are well aware that their daughters are sexually active, and have even gone and put them on the pill on their request. So it always makes me wonder how they feel... obviously though, the communication between them must be great, or at least better than mine.

Communication with my own mom has never gone well. I suppose it's because, when I was little, her constant fears and worries about me would be channeled to anger. For example, if I wanted to sleep over at a friend's house, or if I ever honestly wondered about things pertaining to sex, she would scream at me, tell me I'm stupid or too young, then leave the room.

Anything and everything I learned about a woman's body, pregnancy, safe sex, relationships, etc, I've had to learn on my own. And it was tough.

Now that I'm older and in college (although I still live at home), my parents are nowhere near as strict or as paranoid about me as they used to be. Even then, I can't approach or trust them with anything about my life- those early fears in my childhood have made me pretty distant and bitter about asking them for any kind of help, or even telling them any kind of news about my life now... whether it's being top of the class, or receiving a scholarship, or being involved in ballroom dance and even joining competitions, my parents have been, for the most part, indifferent about it.

I've never really had a heart-to-heart conversation about my thoughts and feelings to them... the closest I've ever gotten to one was either yelling, or a simple "yes/no/I don't know." And that would be the end of that.

Despite the distance I feel us, I still love them and want my mom to know that I want to be smart and healthy about it, and I want her to help me finally start more active about going to the doctor and doing what I need to do in order to be healthy. The thing is, she's very traditional and old-fashioned, having grown up with strong religious teachings and believing that NO woman can have sex before marriage. She's never really made an attempt to understand the things I've gone through as a teenage girl in this generation, and now, a young adult woman. Her reaction would be disastrous; I'm afraid she would refuse.

I'd like for her to one day meet and approve of my boyfriend... who not only has much in common with our family (we both come from Filipino families, and his parents are absolutely sweet, which is a huge plus) but is also my loyal and trusted dance partner. I'm so proud and happy of our relationship, and I want my parents, especially my mother, to support us.

I've never done this before, I know that telling her that I have had sex before is definitely not going to be pretty, and I KNOW for sure she won't like it. If this doesn't work out with her at all, I suppose I can schedule my own doctor appointments at the health center at school, handle the rest on my own or something... though, having a limited amount of money and being dependent on my parents' insurance makes things tough. The fact that I've never had to do something like this before is also an emotional toil. But then again, this won't be the first time that I've had to grow up and face things like this on my own.

I don't have any adult women figures in my life to turn to when it comes to sensitive issues like this. I have a lot of female friends my age who have gone through similar things, but I'd feel better if I had the insight of a mother who has had to face this, or perhaps an older figure who has had more experience.

I'm sorry for the long-ish rant. I'm still a young woman who needs guidance and has much growing up to do. Thanks for reading all of this. I'd appreciate any answers.

**Hopeless Dork** · 04-17-2010 10:39 PM

Some parents are never equipt for that conversation. Its sad. But its a fact of life for many young women. My parents made sex such a taboo issue I was afraid to even find a way to refer to my body parts without being bad. I was abused for years and never told my parents just out of fear of thinking I'd get in trouble and fear of not even knowing how to say the words of what was happening.

My dad gave me a book about 'some day you'll get your period' when I was almost 16 years old. I had my period since I was 12 and was no longer a virgin at the time he gave me that book. And yep he just handed it to me with no words said or offer to talk.

When I was 17 my mom found condoms in my bedroom and broke down crying , I told her they belonged to a friend and she never let that friend over again.

They lived in blissful ignorance of me having boyfriends or sex until I came home pregnant one day and they were shocked, shocked, and SO dissapointed in me.

I'm very sorry for your situation and having a mom that isn't that open to hearing about what you are going through. But you can try. If she won't hear what you have to say, you'll just have to let it go. What more can you do huh? I was always envious growing up of friends that could tell their mothers all their problems and worries and they'd support them.

I have a great mom and always have, but sex talk was never something she was comfy with, still isn't (i'm in my early 30's now) and probably never will be... its just how she is.

It doesn't help your situation, but just wanted you to know your not alone in having a difficult to speak to parent.

At least you are an adult and can get treatment, pills etc however you want whenever you want. Best of luck to you on your attempt at discussion with her.

I'd open up to her in stages. Before telling her you are sexually active, you might want to start with just talking about your boyfriend in general... and work your way up to more sensitive issues.

**LanaBear** · 04-17-2010 11:22 PM

I don't know... My experience with my mom was similar to HD's experience with her dad. I started my period when I was 11, my mom tells me "Well, you know you can get pregnant now." Then walked out my bedroom door. I mean, really? Even at that age, I remember pretty much thinking something similar to WTF?

At 16 she found condoms under my mattress, like HD, I told her they were my friends. I had lost my virginity 2 years prior.

I think knowing all the crp I did at that age, I would be pretty much expecting it around 16ish or so. I hope, beyond belief, that it doesn't happen sooner than that. Even at that age, I'd be cringing, but it's a fact of life.

Like HD said, start opening up in stages, don't slam it all in front of her at one time. But being older, college age, I would hope she knows that something like this is coming. Remember, at this point, you are an adult. It is your decision, so hopefully, they won't hold a whole lot over your head.

**bowchicka** · 04-18-2010 02:29 AM

I may be 20 but I'm the only child in the family, so it's still extremely hard for my mom to accept that I'm not exactly a baby anymore. The last time I told her I was simply going out with someone (an ex, about a year ago) she freaked out and looked like she was about to explode... even though we never did anything past kissing and hand holding. She's even met him and he's had lunch with my family before, my mom assuming we were just friends at the time. =|

Thanks so much to both of you for sharing your personal experiences.

I'm sure it's very tough for all girls at one point or another; some tougher than others. I'll do what I can and start off slow... if my mom can't handle it, well... I tried, at least.

**WildChild** · 04-18-2010 06:55 AM

At 20 I think you are of the age of consent pretty much where ever you live. You are moving into adulthood, it you are in the US you can vote, buy porn, enlist in the military, sign a legally contract binding contract, why would you need to tell your parents?
You aren't a little kid anymore. Do you feel you need some sort of parental sanction for sex? I'm just not understanding why you feel you need to discuss it. It's great if you can be open with your parents but really your sex life is no more their business than their sex life is your business.

**Little** · 04-18-2010 07:06 AM

I have a family very similar to yours (minus the religious convictions, but with the same amount of yelling and shame doled out.) She was pretty good about the period talk, explained it thoroughly in a timely manner, but that didn't lead to open and honest talks about sex. She probably still believes that I was having sex with my high school boyfriend (I didn't lose my virginity until I was almost 19, to a different guy.) Her disbelief of me made things awkward on top of all the bitterness of childhood, so when I later decided to visit a gyno and get hormonal BC in order, I just told her that I'm over 18 now, needed to get an exam, take care of my health, that's all. The only reason it came up was I was on her insurance, and she called to see if I was sick, since I'd seen a doctor.
I think that's really the only way I could have dealt with it - a matter-of-fact "I'm taking care of myself" stance, and over the phone too. You don't have to wait for your parents to "put you on" BC, especially if they're Catholic (it's against their beliefs.) I'm not a mother (for another 7 months or so, anyways) but I've been where you are and I think I found the best solution possible for my situation. Maybe you can use it, maybe not, but it's something to think about. Good luck!

**WildChild** · 04-18-2010 08:34 AM

Little......another 7 months?!
Congrats darling!
I will be sending all the positive energy I can for a lovely 7 months and beyond

**bel08** · 05-20-2010 12:16 AM

I'm not a mother and my parents were... surprised to find out I was having sex. I was 16yrs old and was writing a letter to my friend. my mum read the letter and found out I was no longer a virgin. Now my mum wasn't angry, bitter or ashamed. she was surprised! she didn't believe me that i was ready for sex. we never talked about it. she just said 'oh so you lost your virginity, i'm so surprised, i didn't think you'd be ready yet'
oh yeah and even though my relationship is good and really open my mum and dad never gave me the sex talk. or the period talk. they just let me figure things out for myself.
oh and i imagine that if my (future) daughter tells me she's having sex, i'd laugh. just because i'd know she'd be horrified of telling me. and then i'd hug her and give her the talk. of course not having any children yet i can only hope that'd be my reaction. lol

**saintsgirl** · 05-20-2010 07:28 AM

I have a daughter that's about to go off to college. I've always have been very open about talking with her about sex. She has had a relationship with the same boy for 3 years. I think they may be sexually active,I don't like the thought of it,but really it's none of my business anymore.
You're old enough to go to the doctor and get birth control on your own. If money is an issue,there are free clinics all over the place to help. But I really don't see what you're going to get out of telling your mother that you're having sex.You're an adult,this is something you'll be able to handle.

**PJhavinfunagain** · 05-20-2010 02:44 PM

My daughter is only 9 and I admit I am dreading the Period and Sex talk. I will do my best to create an environment of open communication. I would hope she will wait at least until she is done with High school. But If not I will do my best to support her and to keep her informed.