How to deal with my tweens health and my gd mental state?

**Sandy001** · 04-30-2010 01:17 AM

When I was pregnant with my youngest son, I was told I was having a girl. We all thought he was a girl up until he was born. i admit that I had gender disappointment(gd) issues afterwards. But I loved him no matter what and was happy that he was born perfectly healthy. I did not get him a haircut until he was three but I did keep it neatly trimmed. He was confused for a girl everywhere. One day when he saw me doing my nails, he asked me to do his too. I asked why and he said to be like me. I thought he wanted to be pretty. So one day when I was out shopping, I could not resist picking up a couple of pretty outfits to see if would wear them. He ended up being ok with it just like with any other clothes. I must have guessed wrong. So that was the end of his little girly phase. As he started getting older, he was more boyish. The long hair remained up until today. He has never had it shorter than right under his neck and he now has it around midback length. He remained being confused for a girl but this did not bother us, he just corrects people. But I actually liked him looking like a girl. I guess in some way, I saw him as my daughter sometimes. He is now 11. To be honest, I myself always thought him to pretty to be a boy. I knew adolescence was just around the corner and I might loose his prettiness to manhood. I was ready for it as of course he is a boy and boys turn into men. Well I was not alone in thinking he looked like a girl, my niece. 17, decided he was to pretty also so she dressed him like a girl yesterday. He had fun with it. But my niece was kind of shocked at what she saw and came to me saying "omg, he has boobs! I told you he should have been a girl" I did not know what she was talking about until I saw him because he had been dressing himself for a while and had not seen him shirtless for months. She had him dancing in a leotard and I nearly fainted as I saw him. At first my eyes teared up and then I hugged him. But i quickly noticed what my niece was talking about. You can sse him for yourself here, as my niece took a video of her work here, i guess he is just a natural dancer (removed link So I pulled her aside and asked her not to make a fuss about it in front of him and she said she had not said a word about it to him and thats why she told me first. Then my sister saw him and said "please tell me that you have not been feeding him birth control pills, I know you wanted a girl". I do not think I have, or have I?. NO, though i shamefully admit it did cross my mind, but his health came first. Maybe he was meant to be a girl after all. Today, I see him as playful and happy as always and I wonder. I have made an appointment with my doctor to see what she has to say about this. I do not know how to deal with this. I am worried aout his health and feel guilty for seeing him like a girl and wanting to dress him up and taking him on a bra shopping trip like i pictured with my daughter. Why has my gd stayed with me for so long. Why did this have to happen to my child, at the same time making me worry about his well being and at the same time fueling my gd. What do I do?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-30-2010 04:06 AM

Usually, we don't allow links on this Forum, but as it's YouTube, no advertising and shows what you are talking about, I have left it.

But, I have a problem with this..

Sub-consciously, you have wanted a girl and you admit to buying him girl clothes at a young age, and your neice dressing him as one and then their is his hair, that has remained long and yes, he does not look at all like a boy, in-fact, I am having a hard time to swollow this, the photo.

Why display your son on You Tube? For the World to see? And, with humor? What is he going to feel like at 18, 21, 25 seeing that? Knowing that?

I think you should protect your children and I'm not having a go here, but my boyfriend won't even allow me to mention his daughter name, here on a Health Site, and that's only a name..

The Internet World is dangerous, please heed that advice..

If you haven't seen his "breasts", it's amazing that he hasn't come to you in fear over it?

If this is true, real, then he needs more than a Doctor, your encouraging him to be a she, allowing it and frankly, I wouldn't know what I am, if I was him...

I am just not getting any of this...

CW

**Sandy001** · 04-30-2010 04:46 AM

This is real, I was looking for some advise, hopefully on how to undo my damage. But you are right, I should not have posted the link to that video. Is there any way you can delete the entire post please?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-30-2010 05:01 AM

Sandy,

When you look at so many people that have viewed this thread but not replied, sometimes, it's because we need to establish that it's real.

It's hard to comprehend somethings unless you've been there, but as you've replied, let's see what we can advise... and no one is condemning you or will, regarding your love for a daughter, I think that can be very difficult for a Mother and when presented with a "pretty boy" can easily get carried away, I was more concerned about posting the link and where that will, cause damage further down the track.

I will delete the link.

So, your son is 11 years of age... firstly, I would be talking to your neice and advising her not to dress him up anymore, that until he is of an age that he can make his own decisions and can establish for himself, by himself, if he is a "man", "gay" , what ever that maybe, it's not your call or hers, to sway him either way.

Secondly, can you talk to him? Can you ask him how he's feeling about the breasts and how he feels as a person?

Thirdly, what are his hobbies? Does he have friends are they females or males, did he play with male toys as a child, etc. In-other-words, do you have an indication as to how he's thinking?

Taking him to the Doctor is a good idea, but also, you need to show support to him as obviously the Doctor will be making statements that might confuse him, or embarass him, so ensure you are there for him and he knows that, and there's nothing majorily wrong.

He also may need to see a Physcologist, if he's not open to talk to you, and is confused himself about himself.

I'm not sure what he's thinking, as you've really posted information regarding what you see, not through his eyes.

Can you enlighten us more in that regard?

CW

**Hopeless Dork** · 04-30-2010 05:51 AM

If this is a true story, you should retell your story to a psychiatrist or family counselor as you are in need of much much help... and your son, because of actions taken by you is also going to need support for figuring how much your influences have weighted in the person he is, will become.

People with gender identity confusion have a very high suicide rate... if your son has no organic gender confusion issues and you are just playing with his head and making him THINK he does... that is really dangerous territory. This is his life... not an experiment. Please seek counseling for the both of you. And please stop encouraging or discouraging when it comes to his sexual identity. Let him be him.

**Sandy001** · 05-01-2010 09:55 AM

Thank you for removing at least the video.
I also told my niece to remove it from youtube but the site did it first after i flagged the video and sent them a message.

Despite how I treated him and what he looks like, as you have seen in the video, i have though my son to act very much like a boy. He does have friends, both male and female. But when I tried talking to her about his breasts, she got shy and crossed her arms. When I asked what she thought about when he was dressed as a girl, he said he though he looked nice. i asked if he liked looking like this and she looked down at her chest and asked if she was turning into a girl. I asked if I could see them, he nodded and opened his shirt, revealing his breasts. as I examined him, I saw that if something is not doen, they will begin to show even through her shirts in only a few more months. he asked again if he was turning into a girl and I asked if it was what he wanted. She stayed quiet for a bit and then asked if he could dress up again, just to see what it felt like again. Fighting the urge to take him to the store and decking him out from head to toe in girls stufff, I said not now. This is as much as i know of what he thinks about all this.
The guilt has brought me to tears as I know he would not have wanted this had I not treated him like I did. I don't know if I should let him dress up again even though every inch of me wants to do it. I will seek professinal therapy for both of us.

**Little** · 05-01-2010 02:46 PM

Are you talking about your niece or your son? There is serious pronoun confusion in that last paragraph.
As HD said, this is his LIFE, not an experiment. You both seriously need to see a doctor. If he feels like he is transgendered, that's his business, and not for you to meddle with or manipulate because of your misgivings on the subject.
Some boys grow breasts. Maybe he needs his hormone levels checked. He needs to see both a physical and a psychological doctor.

**Sandy001** · 05-01-2010 09:21 PM

I am sorry about my last post. I was up late waiting for my older son to get home. I did not even check the post before submitting it. I do have a problem of unconsciously refering to Alex in this way sometimes.

**Hopeless Dork** · 05-01-2010 09:35 PM

I am glad you are seeking the counseling. I am not intending to scare you or guilt you but I recently watched a documentery if I can find the name of it I'll post it here for you about a young man that was raised a girl and ended up committing suicide... they disclosed just how common that is in persons with gender identity issues -- ESPECIALLY young persons.

Hormones and identity and trying to be accepted into the world is hard enough for adolecents when they know who they are ... add in mixed feelings about that and you have yourself a pressure cooker that needs careful monitoring by professionals.

You have an obligation to the child you brought into this world to do right by him. Seek help for yourself immediately as to how to proceed without inflicting any more harm than has already been caused.

They will guide you into what support you need to get for your son and how to go about it.

If your neice does not live with you, I'd advise you limit her interactions with your son if not cut them off all together. She is not helping the situation and is contributing to the damage of your childs pyschological development. At 17, she is old enough to understand if you tell her to stop her actions at influencing him to dress up. He is not a cabbage patch or barbie doll for her to play with. He is a real life breathing human being who is being affected... likely for his entire life by the actions the two of you are taking.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-02-2010 01:08 AM

Your really fighting yourself with this... For 11 years, you've seen Alex as a girl. This is a dream of yours, a daughter and in that, you've projected it to Alex, and through your neice. Even now, you are fighting the urge to take him to a shop, to dress him up as a girl...

This is your fight.

The damage you may have caused, have caused, is why you wrote this thread, but the problem is, in the back of your mind, you can't let it go, you wanted that daughter. Maybe your older son will give you a grandaughter... Maybe one day Alex will...

I'm pleased that you intend personally to go to councelling about this... Because that is the only way in which you will be able to help Alex.

Alex needs to ascertain for himself, personally, when he is an Adult, what he thinks, who he is without influence... That's your duty as a parent..

Resist the urges... Keep your niece away, change the pattern to boy things, let him experience those things, cut his hair, let him experience feeling like a boy as well..

See your Doctor, and let him see a phycologist and resist, your urges.. You have to, he's your son... you owe it to him to grow as he is meant to, no 11 year old really knows what he's thinking, he's not a man yet.. And, confusing him, will and has confused him...

I'm glad you reported the You-Tube tape and it was taken down...

CW