Teenager and school

**aljs** · 05-05-2010 07:15 PM

My daughter has always been an "A" student in school. Last year she got a "B" in math, but the rest of her marks stayed at "A". This year she is in grade 10 with a couple grade 11 classes. She doesn't seem to care as much about her grades, when I ask her about it she says that we put too much pressure on her and she is doing the best she can. I don't believe it though, this year in English (which she has always excelled in) she went from an "A" down to a "B" and even her teacher said she didn't feel my daughter was trying as much. She got a "C" in math, I hired a tutor but she called her for help so seldom that the tutor doesn't have time for her anymore. I don't know what else to say to her for her to understand my position.

**LanaBear** · 05-05-2010 07:24 PM

It does sound like there is a lot of pressure on her for her grades. She appears to be a very good student. Maybe she's tired and her way of rebelling to you for the pressure is letting her grades fall. A tutor for a C? Does she say she is struggling in math?

We all expect the best out of our kids, but there is a point where you have to look at yourself to find out if you are being reasonable. If she is an A/B student, GREAT! If she says you are putting too much pressure on her, well, then I think that is something you need to take into consideration.

**pretzel** · 05-05-2010 07:35 PM

Well, let's see:

First year in High School. Low man on the totem pole.
Being around kids that are a couple of years older especially the "guys"
Having classes with them
More and better social activities
Personally maturing from "Middle Schooler" to "High Schooler"

Having been there a few times, my suggestion, relax. A little hit to her GPA now won't hurt her as much as it would in her Junior and Senior years. Give her the time and space to grow into it but just make sure she's keeping up with her work.

**KMonte85** · 05-05-2010 07:36 PM

You need to try to identify just what it is that is causing her to fall behind. Right now she probably just sees "Disapproving Mom" and doesn't realize that you are only trying to help her out. Have you sat her down and tried to figure out exactly WHY she is having trouble with certain classes? Does she work a part time job or participate in any extracurricular stuff and maybe doesn't have the time she needs to devote to studying and homework?

I was exactly in your daughters shoes at that age. I was an A student, then some B's, and one C. I think my parents were going to have a heart attack because they didn't think I cared about school anymore. Not the case at all. I just didn't have time to study because of my extra curriculars. I could get my homework done in study hall, but actually studying for exams was near impossible as I worked 4pm-8pm or sometimes 9pm almost every night at my job. After being in school all day, rushing to my job, then working til late, I was too pooped out to focus on studying for the tests, so I did badly on them and it brought my grade down.

Step 1, definitely try talking to your daughter to find out what's going on. It sounds like she's stressed from her comment about being under too much pressure. If she's under too much stress, or has too many obligations, look into reducing her work hours, or maybe cutting back or dropping an after school activity she's involved in.

Step 2, ask the teacher(s) what their grade scale is, and what it is based off of (% test grades, % participation, %homework, etc...). Then ask where in her studies she is weak - is it incomplete homework assignment, test grades, etc.. and focus on how to help your daughter improve in those areas.

If you've done all this, and it seems that she's just lost interest, and is spending her time on the phone or out with friends, on the computer all night long, etc.. basically just screwing off, then it may be time to put some limits on her as to what she can spend her time on. If she's not being serious about her studies, you might have to limit the cellphone time with her friends, or not let her use the computer for non-school use in the afternoons/evenings. But I want to add that I highly doubt this is what's going on with your daughter. She's still above average, taking classes a year ahead of schedule, and for the most part doing well.

Don't forget to tell her how proud you are that she's done so well, that she's so smart, and is a great student and daughter. I busted my arse to keep my 3.5 average in highschool and college, and all the response I got from mom and dad was "what? no 4.0?" Man, what a downer after all that hard work. Just be sure she knows that you love her and can appreciate how hard she's working.

**Ahryin** · 05-05-2010 07:38 PM

Just because she gets B's doesn't mean she isn't going to get into a good college. As a mother I can understand your position however she is a teenager...
Try to look at it from her perspective, after all you don't want to end up pushing her away. Have faith in all that you have taught her. I would start getting her involved in volunteer programs such as feeding the homeless something that allows her to see how the world is. I have seen that affect teenagers far better than the typical scolding. This way she can see why she has to work hard to maintain her grades etc. Colleges look not only at grades but a persons ability to juggle responsiblities while maintaining good grades with a combination of her SAT scores and her essay.
I would be more concerned with her ability to handle pressure than her grades...don't want her having a melt down with all those teenage hormones and what not

**Hopeless Dork** · 05-05-2010 07:52 PM

I think it might be a good time to take a step back and remember what life was like at that age, for yourself. I think too often its easy for a parent to forget the emotional turmoil that is high school.

The social ladders, the rumour mills, friends, enemies, crushes, boyfriends, hormones, becoming an adult - and all the fear that entails, pressure to succeed, pressure from parents, pressure from teachers, pressure from peers. Extra curricular activities, sports, clubs, homework, homework, homework, tests -- keeping afloat in the chaos is hard enough as it is..

Not saying you should disregaurd her low marks if you think she can do better. But try to put yourself in her shoes. If she's a good kid, not doing drugs, not out getting pregnant, not bullying other girls, Scoring mostly above average marks... is respectful to you and and adults -- then you have yourself an angel..

You don't want to shove her over to that darkside in order to try to get some control in her life.... its a thin, fragile, ONE bad decision away.

Expect the best from her, but remain proud of her accomplimshments, encourage her when you know she can do better but not in a way that causes her to feel like her efforts all fall short of your ideal.

Kids want you to be proud of them, once they get the feeling they will never be able to make you happy, no matter how good they are... that can sometimes allow them to let some negativity into their lives as they feel like their best is never good enough, why try at all?

**aljs** · 05-05-2010 07:56 PM

Thank you all for your comments, they are all appreciated.
My daughter does have a part time job, but only on the weekends. I do try to talk to her and ask her why she thinks her marks are not the same anymore, but every time she always says it the teachers not her. I did talk to her math tutor who says she has the concept of everything, but that the way the teacher marks and explains stuff doesn't make too much sense. I feel she uses that comment from the tutor for every mark under an "A" now in any subject.
I tell her all the time how proud of her I am. Maybe the expectations my husband and I have is putting too much stress on her. I have suggested before that I should go in and talk to her teachers, but both her and the tutor said that could make things worse. That some teachers could take it like I'm questioning their marking system. So I'm not really sure what to do with that.

**sourpuss** · 05-05-2010 08:49 PM

My first thought when I read through your post was "Wow, a lot of focus on getting As! No wonder she feels pressure" My second thought was "I got a lot of Cs and Ds at her age and still got into a good college, got a degree and successfully own my own business. ...not to mention that I'm a good person."

I know you want her to do well, everyone wants the best for their kids. But remember what it was like to be her age. Bs are good and in the end (just my opinion) high school is a small blip on the radar of life. If she says there's too much pressure, then something is going on where she doesn't want to give the full 110% effort she has to give to get straight As. Talk to her about her personal life and her happiness and find our what is bothering her. I'd be willing to bet that she's smart enough to get As without the pressure put on her to get them. If she's relaxed and knows that you're proud no matter what, then the As will probably come naturally. And if they don't and it's Bs (or god forbid a C), then realize that it's not the end of the world.

**Little** · 05-05-2010 11:48 PM

Pretzel - the grades she gets in her freshman and sophomore year can and will affect her GPA in the future, and will be hard to "make up" if she does badly. A "C" grade on a final report card can do a lot of damage, and once a 4.0 is gone, it's gone forever. I spent a lot of time and effort in college busting butt because I didn't think my freshman year grades would matter that much ... but they did.
Aljs, it seems you're having troubles finding out what the root of the problem is. I agree with KMonte, you need to find out how the teachers are going about deciding your daughter's grades. Is she bombing tests, not turning in homework, not participating in class?
And if her tutor says that her teacher is not explaining things properly, you should probably check that out. Ask to sit in on the same teacher's class. It doesn't even have to be your daughter's class, it can be another section of the same subject. There is definitely such a thing as a bad teacher. Call the principle, tell him/her that your daughter is having issues in the class, ask about information such as fail rates for that subject and average grades. If what you see is not what you'd like, you can request to have her moved to another teacher's section.
As far as English, what are they learning? Has she learned and retained it before? If she is learning literature, has she read the books before or are they below her level? Is she in an Honors/AP class, and if not, is one available? Sometimes children do badly at a class because it not challenging enough. It seems backwards, but it happens.
High school is a hard time, especially the first year. Ensure that she's adjusting properly. There will be many times in her life that she'll have to suddenly change to a new routine and new expectations, but in the future you may not be so close and able to help her out. Use this to your advantage and teach her how to adjust and excel when periods of rapid change come along later.

**WildChild** · 05-06-2010 12:40 AM

I think Little is on target here. Something that might help is if she can pick a few universities she's interested in and visit or get on their web sites and see what the school is like and what the they requirements are. My daughter wanted to go to a certain private university, she knew what she had to have to get in and she got it. My son (10th grader) decided as an 8th grader that he wanted to go to MIT. He looked up the entrance requirements and that is a part of what motivates him. I know several young people who are in community college because they didn't realise that they needed to buckle down intil they hit their junior or senior year.

Kids who sailed through the younger grades can find it a challenge as they move into the HS changes. The comments about the teachers are also true, we've dealt with some lulu's. My daugher was in AP calculus and having an awful time. I went in and talked to the teacher early in the year and she strongly dissuated me from getting her into the lower level AP calc. My daughter got her first and only D. She was devistated. At the end of the term that Betch of a teacher told me, " well about half the kids can't handle it, it's a brain development thing and if they wait a year their fine". WT!!! That wasn't her story at the beginning of the term. I was furious. But that was 10th grade and she took the lower level the next term, did great and when she took the AP exam the next year she scored a 5. She graduated with a 4.0.

This isn't doom, but you and your daughter do need to figure out what is going on and move to correct it. Believe me, those scholarships make a huge difference. It can be a matter of chosing between the best schools and taking what ever you can manage to afford.