jen0519

I am 20 and have a 2 year old daughter. I got pregnant when i was 17. I was a wild child. I dropped out of school, partied all night long, did endless amounts of drugs. I was going down the wrong track fast. Then I met my husband. He was a dealer so we had a great realationship. He supplied the drugs, I did them. I thought my life was great. My mother was to drunk to notice and my dad was a firefighter so he was never home. But everything changed that night when there were 2 lines instead of one. My first reaction- I was screaming and crying, so pissed at myself, I laid in a bed and starred at a wall for about 3 hours. Did I mention I was out partying at the time and was very high on meth. I had no idea that i was pregnant. I couldn't believe I had done that to my unborn child. Well that was the end of it. I haven't done or seen any of that stuff since. My life changed over the next 2 and a half years. Luckily my husband changed to. We stopped together and stayed together. I wouldn't have it any other way. It feels like a blur from then untill now. But I am questioning the decisions i made back then. I love my daughter, she gave me life again. On one hand I am lucky because not only did he stick around but he got a CDL and makes enough money so i can stay with our daughter. On the other hand that means I stay home everyday with nothing to do but deal with what seems like endless tantrums and fits. I know this is a stage but its making me sit back and say:
I planned on a future. I wanted to go to college and have a carrer of my own. I can't stand asking for money. It makes me feel like I can't do anything for myself. Its making me wonder if a snap decision that I made at 17 years old was the right one. I can't beleive I am putting this down. I feel like a horrible person. I would never harm my daughter. I love her more than anything else. But thats where i coming from. I love HER more than anything else, including myself. I never saw my life going in this direction. Wake up, give her a bath and breakfast, go get coffee, nap time, lunch time, daddy gets home from work, cook dinner, watch tv, go to bed. wheres the excitement, wheres the passion? I can see my relationship heading into this blackhole where i never thought it coluld go. Now its just everyday living. This went wrong or theres not enough money. I feel like i want to runaway and leave both of them behind. Is that wrong?? I am only 20 years old. I feel 35! What should I do? I looked all over this site for something like this and can't find anything. Am I the only one that feels this way about motherhood?