I am 20 and have a 2 year old daughter. I got pregnant when i was 17. I was a wild child. I dropped out of school, partied all night long, did endless amounts of drugs. I was going down the wrong track fast. Then I met my husband. He was a dealer so we had a great realationship. He supplied the drugs, I did them. I thought my life was great. My mother was to drunk to notice and my dad was a firefighter so he was never home. But everything changed that night when there were 2 lines instead of one. My first reaction- I was screaming and crying, so ****ed at myself, I laid in a bed and starred at a wall for about 3 hours. Did I mention I was out partying at the time and was very high on meth. I had no idea that i was pregnant. I couldn't believe I had done that to my unborn child. Well that was the end of it. I haven't done or seen any of that stuff since. My life changed over the next 2 and a half years. Luckily my husband changed to. We stopped together and stayed together. I wouldn't have it any other way. It feels like a blur from then untill now. But I am questioning the decisions i made back then. I love my daughter, she gave me life again. On one hand I am lucky because not only did he stick around but he got a CDL and makes enough money so i can stay with our daughter. On the other hand that means I stay home everyday with nothing to do but deal with what seems like endless tantrums and fits. I know this is a stage but its making me sit back and say:
I planned on a future. I wanted to go to college and have a carrer of my own. I can't stand asking for money. It makes me feel like I can't do anything for myself. Its making me wonder if a snap decision that I made at 17 years old was the right one. I can't beleive I am putting this down. I feel like a horrible person. I would never harm my daughter. I love her more than anything else. But thats where i coming from. I love HER more than anything else, including myself. I never saw my life going in this direction. Wake up, give her a bath and breakfast, go get coffee, nap time, lunch time, daddy gets home from work, cook dinner, watch tv, go to bed. wheres the excitement, wheres the passion? I can see my relationship heading into this blackhole where i never thought it coluld go. Now its just everyday living. This went wrong or theres not enough money. I feel like i want to runaway and leave both of them behind. Is that wrong?? I am only 20 years old. I feel 35! What should I do? I looked all over this site for something like this and can't find anything. Am I the only one that feels this way about motherhood?

There are others who feel 'trapped' into this
'all grown up' persona when they haven't even
experienced the 'growing'.

You are right...you're life has virtually ceased
and that can not be good.

In some cases women are lucky in that they
have a very wide support system of friends
and family so that they can go back to school
and leave the child with the grandmother, etc.
and have no sense of guilt or neglect...

In others it reaches a kind of overload and
depression.

So we don't want to go in that direction.

First thing, decide what you want to do.
that is, if you go to school, go to learn
what to become what?

If you haven't a clue, play around with
online courses, do research on your own
to figure out what it is you want to do.

Once you've gotten that settled, then
you look about how you would go about
getting this training/education.

In some cases there are day care centres
and/or a pre school.

This means that you will have a block of
time you don't have to look after the
baby and can look after your own
interests.

You just have to have a plan.

I am brand new to this, so bear with me. I am almost twice your age, but went through something similiar (other than the extreme drug use), my oldest daughter is now 21 and has her own baby girl. I wouldn't trade where my life has gone and been for the world. It has always been a struggle, money, depression, all the things you describe. I am now happily married to a great guy with 2 other daugthers, ages 19 and 14. I still feel really young. Ok, enough about me....I think you should look into things for yourself, like schooling, you are very young and you have so much life ahead of you. Your daughter and husband will benefit from you making positive choices in your life. I know being home all the time seems so mundane, but it is a gift to be able to do that right now. You don't have to struggle with daycare horrors and gas and time restraints. Get out with your daughter during the day...walks and museums are a way out without spending the money. You will bond with her and when it comes time to school or a full time job, you will already have a strong bond with your daughter. I feel like I am rambling. Life goes by in a rush...trust me, I feel like it was just a few years ago that I started that "teen mom" life and now I am 39 and I feel like I still have years of living and passion in me. There are some sacrifices that are made for the decisions we make, just make sure nobody is hurt with those sacrifices and things will be everything you want (even if you aren't positive what that is)....remember those unanswered prayers can get you and your life is so much better for them. Hope that helps a little. Again, this is my first response on this...but I felt compelled.

Thank for your responses. It seems like I should already know all these things. I have had some part time jobs in the past and when my husband and i split up for a couple months last summer I worked full time and had brittney in day care. It was a nightmare. She was always sick, which she had never been sick at all in the past. I had a job as a bill collector (the worst job in the world!!). I hated it. The one thing that I know is that I need at least a part time job. My husband and I are having problems deciding on what kind of day care. I hate day care centers. It was so hard to leave her with people I didn't know, with a bunch of other kids that are carrying all kinds of germs. I know it sounds bad but it was a very bad expeirence before. I would rather have someone i know take care of her. He thinks that a day care center would be good for her to learn to interact with other kids and she would learn a lot. i don't disagree with him, but he can't possibly understand what is was like. He wasn't there! We lived an hour and a half away. He wasn't there missing work to take her to the doctor, listening to her cry when i had to leave or when she was sick. He doesn't trust anyone that we know besides his mother or my sister. His mom lives an hour away and my sister works full time. Am I being to protective?? Do I just need to let her go again and get used to it?? It would only be a few days a week. I just have such a bad feeling about day care

I've had absolutely great experiences...but then it
was a very small day care centre...one was a teacher
trainee the other a practical nurse...so maybe I was
lucky.

At her preschool, again I was lucky...or more honestly...
I investigated carefully.

If one is very careful...one can find good places.
I know the kind that Jen mentioned, my secretary
sent her child there, and my banker sent her child
to one like that as well...
so I know you're speaking the truth Jen...

You just search.

There was a day care centre run by a University
where they were training pre school teachers...
that one was a line around the block and down
the road.

You just have to make it a quest.
I got the day care for my daughter because it
was recommended by a very fussy chap I knew
and when I went there and saw how small it was
and with two adults for like twelve children...
(and some of those children were babies in cribs)
I felt comfortable.

You have to be a real detective...
Avoid the big factories that are hermetically
sealed, where parents are dropping off
children like dry cleaning.

I don't know if you would consider it, but maybe you could work at a daycare that your daughter would go to? Some daycares will let you take her there for free AND pay you. Even if it is part-time. That gives you the advantage of seeing how she is treated and keep her away from the other sick kids. It will also get you out there to meet other moms of every walk of life. You might meet a great friend that you could vent with every now and then. You might meet someone that has it worse or has it the same as you and can teach you a few tricks to help with the boredom and frustrations.

Now Tinkerbelle that is two birds with one stone!
That's brilliant...
(of course that predicates on whether one has
aptitude).

Some jobs have built on daycare...I know
at my bank there is a daycare centre for
employees children...I'm sure others have
the same thing.

As parents it is our duty to investigate everything..
from daycare to school...to club.

I am Public Enemy Number One at all the Schools
my children attend. I make 'sneak' attacks on
the school. They never know when I'm going
to be there.

I can say this, there was no bullying at my
child's school, nothing unpleasant, because
if there had been, I would have seen it.

And when my child told me about a particular
teacher, I was up there in a flash.

Too many parents are too busy..
"Mommy I don't want to go to school today"
'Why?"
"Cause no body likes me."
"Get ready, we leave in five minutes..."

Me, I stop everything, and dig through
the who doesn't like and what that means.

And that's our job.

Hello, If incase you are thinking about working in the day care, it might help if i told you im studying to work in a day care or preschool. Im doing a prefessional daycare course online and then i'll move on to early childhood education. So if you are interested browse the online courses at pcdi.com. It is infact a good idea to work in the same daycare where your child will be. it is a good that you are looking to start a career, you are still very young and have these opportunities so go for it!