Partner wants kids, I don't (?)

**Dutchess** · 07-12-2010 06:39 AM

I've been in a some sort of relationship with my partner for 2 1/2 years now. It's practically like a boyfriend-girlfriend situation but he doesn't want to call it that (commitment issues but it's another story).

I have always known that he wants children. He took care of an infant for months some years ago and was so natural in his role as a caretaker. I, on the other hand, have sort of given up on the idea of having kids. I don't get warm and fuzzy feelings around babies. The responsibility seems enormous.

I'm in my late 20s and I have time to think things through but my partner's clock is ticking. He's older than I, and quite out of the blue announced that he should start having kids soon. I panicked and basically said he could have a child with me.

Now I'm not sure whether I said that because I mean it or because I don't want to lose him. I am a 100 % sure that I would love my children despite of my feelings towards someone elses'. Is it wrong to be even thinking of children in this situation? Especially since our relationship is a bit strange? Everyone says I won't regret having children, quite the opposite. Yet, I can't help but wonder what kind of a life all this would bring for a child. Anyone in a similar situation?

**WildChild** · 07-12-2010 07:01 AM

Not in that situation but speaking as a single parent, having a child rarely makes things easier and never fixes a troubled relationship. Too many people have kids for all the wrong reasons, this is another person's life you are bringing into your situation, Don't do it unless you are really clear about it and know that this is what You want.

It sounds like you both have some reservations around conventional committment and that's OK if you can develop a clearly articulated agreement about what you are committed to. There is nothing wrong with having your own unique arrangement but a child requires a stable and loving environment. This needs a lot of thought and communication.

**Maximus** · 07-13-2010 09:04 AM

Originally Posted by Dutchess

I'm in my late 20s and I have time to think things through but my partner's clock is ticking. He's older than I, and quite out of the blue announced that he should start having kids soon. I panicked and basically said he could have a child with me.

Not knowing how old your partner is, I don't see the "urge".
Mind you, Anthony Quinn still had a baby when he was 80

I never heard about a man panicking about the clock ticking though...

In any case like Wildchild said, having a clearly articulated agreement certainly removes the fuzziness on the meaning of what is planned and done. Especially when it comes to parenthood.

Plus you mention commitment issues between parentheses. I would put these in bold and red in front, to be cleared before coming back and panicking to you.

**Jayla2251** · 07-16-2010 02:28 PM

If you dont really want kids, why do it? For him? Is he worth that, really?

I wouldnt rush this AT all. Take the time to figure out what you want first. Just because he's older? How much older?

When I met my SO, he wanted kids (still does) and I didnt. It wasnt a big deal, we were young and that wasnt something we were preoccupied with. Now after 5 years, I actually changed and do want kids. Are we rushing it? Nope! I have so many friends who had babies, and when I see where they are now, I dont want that for me. (not saying it was the child's fault ever! But people change! One day they want to be forever and raise that baby, and the next they dont. Or they are happy to have kids, just dont want to support them.)

**sourpuss** · 07-20-2010 11:40 AM

Why would he want to have kids with someone he doesn't want to commit to? I don't get that.
Children is the one thing in a relationship I consider a total deal breaker. If you don't want them and he does, then it's not a good fit, even if you are committed to one another, which at this point, doesn't sound like you are on the same page on more than one topic. (and big topics at that)

**sallyskellington** · 07-21-2010 03:09 PM

My situation with my husband is similar in some ways. My husband and I are the same age, but he wanted children and I do not. I made it very clear from the minute we started talking longterm that I was never having children and if he wanted them that he had better find someone else. So this is something you need to sit down and think realistically and hard about. You may choose you want them and if not you have to decide wether you are willing to let him go if he really set on having them. I wish you lots of luck. Just think long and hard and remember a child is a lifetime of work and for some people its what they were meant to do, and for others they are meant to be the fun cool aunt.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-21-2010 04:33 PM

I think your fear of where this relationship is heading, is why you state you don't want children, your relationship isn't a strong committed one that you both can see yourselves together forever.

Him wanting a child is because he's older, not because he wants a child with you... I say that because you stated "I'll have your child"... he was talking in general and if he wasn't and wanted a child with you, then he would have had to have answered to you, well off course I meant with you.

Bringing a child into this world, I am sure you both will love that child immensely, people are correct, once you feel that little one inside of you, there is no description, love just oozes out...

But, you both may not be together. You have to way that up. You finding another partner with a baby, him moving on with his life, having another child with someone else, 50/50 custody. There is alot more to think about here.

CW

**echoskybound** · 07-21-2010 08:21 PM

I do not have kids, and I really have no future plans in mind for doing so. Fortunately, this is something that's never crossed my boyfriend's mind either. But, as much as I love him, if he started talking about babies one day, I'd have to tell him "Sorry." The reality is, a kid will eat up your finances and time for the next 20 years, and if your relationship with your partner doesn't last, the child goes through it too. And if your partner is not okay with your decision, do NOT put yourself through it for him. He would need to be in this child raising endeavor for you as much as the child.

What everyone is saying is true: You would both love the little one dearly. But, from what I imagine parenthood to be, I think it's also important to have the right bond with your partner in order to accept the undertaking. The only reason I would have kids would be if I absolutely adored someone and wanted to share the experience of raising a child together, knowing that we'd both be in it 100%. If you don't get some wonderful loving feeling when you think about having children with him, then take all the time you need to consider it.