Sexual Teen--scared!
I have just read an old thread from a mom of a sexual teen and I have read all the advice. I have to tell you I am treading very lightly right now, but my daughter and I have already had several clashes not so much over the sexual activity (I don't think they have had sex, but they are moving way too fast IMO) but on all of the behavior associated with the lying and sneaking to see him--I give her permission on a Wed to go to the mall with him and all is well, then on Fri she lies and sneaks to go see him. It isn't like I wasn't trying to give her her space, but she has been doing this sort of thing since they first starting dating--this is her first boyfriend. Honestly, maybe because I am an older mom (mid 40's), I cannot stand by, be her friend, take her to get birth control and act like this as all okay with me. I can't. But I am scared because I found out from a neighbor in his neighborhood that when he was younger, he tried to drown his sister in the pool. Then a few years later, he tried to push a neighbor girl into a some rocks and seriously hurt her. The family tried to press charges, but this boy's family comes from money and the lawsuit went nowhere. So now all the neighbors basically keep their kids away from him and the feeling is that at anytime he could snap. That really scares me because the few times I have met him he just does not give that off. He is adopted and all those horror movies about the bad seed surface. And just to be clear--I am adopted so it isn't like I am against that or holding it against him--but there is always the unknown with adoptions.
There is more..there is always more. But I will leave this at that. I would love to hear from anyone who has been through this, have words of advice, or even just a sympathetic shoulder for me to cry on. The last thing I want to do is alienate my daughter--we have always been close and I don't want to lose that. But at the same time I do not want her to become a statistic of domestic violence. My stomach is in a constant knot as a lot of this information I shared has just come to light over this past weekend.
not sure of daughters age but i would tell her NO SEX until 18, if you do he goes to JAIL. i told my daughter EVERYTHING a penis will do or say(bc b4 i got married i was a male w...e) to get into her pants. i would not have her knocked up or pregnant. she did not listen and now a penis is serving 24 yrs in prison. wife left, let daughter do whatever and she ended up pregnant & had miscarriage after 10.5 weeks. lucky no std's i know of. tell her sex is NO GAME or JOKE!!!
In your mid 40s you aren't such an old mom - I'm in my 50s with teens.
Is it the bf whom rumor says tried to drown his sister and all that?
How do you know that this is true?
This is a real toughie, I can understand why you are so concerned and hesistant about how to respond. Personally I think the bc and possible sexual activity are separate issues from the concerns about the boyfriend's stability. Why are you so opposed to her using conception control? Is this a religous issue? Or would it seem like condoning sexual activity with this particular young man?
You don't say how old she is. What is the age of consent in your area? Once they are of age, there isn't much you can do. I really haven't had the issue with my kids of lying or sneaking but I think sitting down with her over a cup of tea or coffee and having a heart to heart may be your best option.
We can only learn to love by loving. - Iris Mudoch, British writer
She is 15. He is 14. Sophomore and a junior. I don't know if it is a religious battle I am fighting as much as a moral one. For me, 15 year olds should not be having sex. Sex should happen between two mature individuals who know what they are doing. It isn't an activity like "Lets go see a movie," or "Lets shoot some hoops at the park." KWIM? Sex is just taken so lightly these days and I don't see it that way.
A neighbor of this family is the one who told me about the drowning and the other incident. She said basically everyone in the neighborhood just keeps their kids away from him. I know this woman--her daughters go to the same school as my daughter--and there is no reason for her to lie or fabricate.
I am not sure what the age of consent is. But gosh, I am so old school that to me, if you live under my roof, I pay your tuition, feed you and clothe you, you need to follow a few basic rules, and one would be no sex until you are 18 and not under my roof.
And honestly, if I were to be honest with myself, if she were going out with a boy for a while, they knew each other well, I knew him to be a good person, I would expect that they may end up having sex. But sex as part of a relationship is a lot different that what I perceive this to be. i believe that he is raging with hormones right now and he will do or say anything to get in her pants I want her to learn self respect and restraint. If you give it to the first boy that comes along, you never learn to say no and your reputation is shot. This is a small town--word gets around and you will never find that meaningful relationship you are looking for because all the guys come after you because you are easy, and the good guys that would make good boyfriends stay away from you because they could never bring you home or introduce you to their parents because your reputations has preceded you. Sex means nothing and you lose respect for yourself because you think now that to hold on to a guy you have to have sex. The issues of sex to me is just part of the larger picture of morals and values. Of self-respect and in the best case scenario, abstinence. Why do you have to have sex just because you have a boyfriend? You are 15 for pete's sakes. Be 15 and stop trying to grow up so fast. And have some respect for yourself and your body.
Last edited by Lunar Keiki; 09-28-2010 at 01:56 PM.
This is the conversation you need to have with her!! In this way... have the conversation about morals and values and what sex should mean, and how one knows when it may be time.Originally Posted by Lunar Keiki
Don't bring up that you aren't fond of her boyfriend or that she's too young or that it's your rules, your putting a roof over her head and she's not allowed. her ears will close off and you'll just be wasting your breath (not to mention you might tick her off and cause her to have sex just out of spite)
Just speak from your heart - give her sound advise about self respect, about loving your body, and about knowing oneself enough not to be pressured into anything... these are the sorts of words that teenage girls will hear, much moreso than criticism. (trust me on this... I was recently a 15 yo girl myself with a strong will and a taste for badboys - I kept it in my pants because of knowing my feelings and respecting myself)
Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
You're the mom. Put her in her place. If she disobeys you and can't follow your rules - uhhh punish her? *gasp* Rare concept I know but it works!
I don't know why parents are so fearful to establish a bottom line with teenagers. Sure, she'll hate you. I disliked rules when I was younger but I feared my parents. If I snuck out guaranteed they would find me and make a huge scene. What's the shame in being in charge and making your CHILD follow rules while living under YOUR household? Don't feel sorry for yourself. Get tough and be a good parent.
I disagree - I guess it depends on the teen's free-will and stubbornness, but this parenting mechanism would have never EVER worked on me. If I got pushed, I pushed back tenfold. If I was spoken to like a young adult with a brain, who was not some sniveling idiot, I listened and was much more likely to take to heart what my parents were saying.
I've always felt that teenagers are young adults, meaning fear tactics and hardfast boundries will not work. What are you going to do? Ground her? Why not just make her sit in a naughty chair for not eating all her cheerios? Hey how about you BAN her from every seeing her boyfriend again - yep, bet she'll jump right on that bandwagon!
I think mutual respect is the way to a teenagers heart and mind - talk to her like she's 6 and she'll respond with a tantrum in the form of sneaking out and disobeying. Talk to her and give her the benefit of the doubt that she is a smart young woman who can make intelligent life choices, and you will get much farther in helping her to understand why she should wait for sex.
Saying N-O (PERIOD!!!!) is not going to get her to see your point of view, it is not going to make her want to talk to you about big decisions ever again, it is not going to make her comfortable discussing her life with you.
Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
I was raised very much like what KayIncognito described. I had the fear of God instilled in me and I knew that if I missed curfew--didn't matter how old I was if I lived under their roof--they would come look for me. I was (am) strong-willed and stubborn. But there is a difference in that world and this world. Kids are different. I don't know many kids who have that fear of God in them regarding their parents--don't matter how strict they are. I would so love to take that road, but I can really see the value of what KMonte is saying. Things are still strained--it is getting better as we had a talk about the breaking of rules, the expectations and such but didn't really touch on the sex part. I have to figure a way to sit down and have this heart to heart. I think I may have to actually print out my own words just so I won't forget anything.
Thank you!
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