Thread: Which is harder on my daughter? Divorce or Staying?

emotional,
It always hurts to read such threads... Marriage is not to be this way..

IMO, Divorce is difficult at any age, for the child.. as well as you.. But children sense things, they may not voice it or even know how to voice it. I am sure she knows things are not good between mom and dad.. But staying in that relationship is not healthy for all concerned. The negative effect, is that it will teach her "no matter if you are happy or not, marriage is suppose to work that way!" Your hapiness will reflect on her, she will see that. It is a sad situation, when a marriage ends, but it can open new and good things as well. As for the religious habbits, that is something that could be worked out later, perhaps. Or if you have a close friend with a child close to her age that attends the same church, could take her to and from with them?
I assume you have not discussed divorce with her? If it were me,... I would talk to my spouse about it, then both sit down and talk to her. (listen too..) But assure her you both LOVE Her.. and that SHE.. was never the cause of the split. As children often think they or their actions caused it. Happiness is best when shared...

I am divorced twice (I make bad choices!) and at the time of the second divorce, my daughter was 6 years old. She could see me crying and slip me these little notes saying that she loved me and we will be okay. For me there were two compelling reasons (there were many many more, but two very important reasons) that I chose to leave. 1--I have one life to live, and to spend it miserable to me just was not what God intended. And 2--what message was I sending to my very intelligent daughter? That women are supposed to just take the abuse? That my happiness meant nothing? That this is what a marriage is? I didn't want her growing up with those types of memories.

Divorce will bring with it a whole myriad of issues, many of which you have already thought about. Not knowing your husband, I would hope that remembering all that he went through growing up, he would try to make things better for his daughter and work with you to raise your daughter to the best of both your abilities. Of course, I know that often never happens, but there are certain things you just cannot control.

Unfortunately, I'm afraid to talk to my husband about anything. For more details, you can see my "Should i get divorced" post under Husband/Fiance. He's put me through some emotional abuse with this. The only time talk is at the dinner table or if it involves her. He try's to be nice, but it's so hard. Even though he has changed 1 of the worst things about him, his projects, making money, and retiring by the time he's 50 is more important then his family.

Our daughter does know what's going on. He's made it look like it's a lot of my fault. So anytime we disagree or argue about something, if she walks in, she usually blames me. It makes me feel like she's going to blame me for the split. I also can't explain to her the real reason why, because that would degrade him, and I'm not about that. Unfortunately, he's not the same way. Even though he's been through this, he's threatened to drag things out in court as long as possible until he gets what he wants. He doesn't realize what that will put her through. They'll probably have to assign her a G.O.A and a mediater which will put her through so much. My heart breaks now, but to think about what she's going to go through makes it worse.

emotional,

I looked over the previous thread you mentioned...
IMO, deep down you know what needs done and fear it. That is the future..
You are in a relationship with a very cunning manipulator, who is holding you emotionally and using the daughter you both love as a weapon. In this situation anything you do or say will be turned cockeyed to
his advantage. I would advise documentation, recordings and video if possible.. However, i feel you will not like this idea.. Again he has WON... It pains me to say such things.. But,.. You must think like him a moment.. If you ever plan to find the hapiness and peace in which you desire.. You need to stand up for yourself.. Your daughter...

emotional,
You were on my mind last night... I kept wondering why you choose to stay within an unhappy marriage. Reading your threads i note you are well educated. Also religiously faithful and hopeful..
You noticed a markable change in him, your previous thread suggested. Are you hanging on in Faith and Hope that once again this will occur and remain..?
I understand the Hope... I have thought and felt myself, towards my hubby. (married 25 and counting..)
The projects, making money, and retiring at 50 being more important than family... If that is the case, what does he plan after 50.. Do these plans include you, your daughter..? These things you mention all seem to be about HIM.. Yet he is married to you..
When my husband and i talk about the future, it is WE... We want to travel, together.. We hold hands.. We share ideas........... How do you and your daughter fit into this life he is making for himself now and after 50..?

Olympia,

My daughter is my main reason for staying, and my fear of God. I've tried to open my heart, but mainly because I feel sorry for him, and for our daughter, but I just can't. We've been together for almost 17 years now, married 14 1/2. I got married not even a year after high school so this is all I know. I fear the split family idea for our daughter. There's only been 1 divorce in my family, and that was before I was born. So I feel I have to live up to that. I love his family. I don't want to loose my relationship with them. I've known his grandma for about 27 years. It just hurts so bad. The emotion is unbearable. I'm so lost and so confused. I'm afraid of loosing everything, I'm afraid of loosing precious time and moments with our daughter when she's away with him. I'm afraid he'll turn her against me, I'm afraid of a step mom. But I'm also tired of being down and depressed all the time. We haven't been on vacation in 2 years because I can't stand the thought being with him that long and I know that's not good for her. We don't hold hands, haven't done so in over a year. I'm so torn, not only for myself, but for her.

emotional,

The fear of God... Please forgive me but may i ask, why..? I know turn the other cheek, and marriage being a sacred bond before him..(Love, honor and cherish) But what ever happen to the all Loving God, the God that forgives is most understanding...
Fear of him, step mom, and daughter being turned against you...? ..Let me look at this.. You already live in a relationship, (using the term loosely) that is heartbreaking, controlling, and lonely... It seems you are in a constant state of fear.. This takes a toll on you.. It is VERY unhealthy..
You keep refering to your daughter, as the main reason of your indecission. But yet, the situation between mom and dad is unchanging...? The cycle repeats... mom and dad arguing, she walks in and he switches gears, You look like the problem... Things remain the same... and will until you decide! Somewhere along the line a choice needs to be made. I believe all of us have a choice, I choose happiness and respect over misery and personal gain.. I do feel for your situation, there are solutions. Accept them willingly for a positive change and deal with the negative when it raises its ugly head.. Or stay in the unhappy, fearful, emotional abusive situation. You know what that is like already..

I have just come across your thread and felt compelled to reply.

My marriage and relationship was in a similar situation to you in 2004 and I had actually started divorce proceedings. In the end I stopped proceedings and decided to stay for the sake of my daughter who was 7 at the time.

In hindsight I wish I had followed through with the divorce then.

In Nov 2010 I received my final divorce papers from this man who had for the previous 13 months harrassed, intimidated and manipulated me and every situation to his benefit during this process. I also found out that he had two affairs during our marriage, one of which was when our daughter was only 3 years old.

I was being paid by our company, which also gave me a car. My ex-husband took everything from me and had intimidated me and was so aggressive I had to leave the family home. I was very fortunate that a friend lent me a sum of money to purchase a small car and put a deposit on a small rented property. My next step was to find a job and get some support from the government benefits offices, who I found to be extremely helpful.

All I can say is, if you make the decision to leave, protect yourself with family and friends, people who you can trust and believe in you. I have never had much self-confidence, but my friends all confirmed what a controlling, possessive man he had been and they were glad that i was strong enough to stand up for myself at last.

Because of all his manipulation, I have lost everything I ever worked for in my 18 1/2 year relationship with him.

My daughter? She is now 15 and has been living with him for the last 4 months. She is now being controlled by him. She doesn't reply to my texts and avoids coming to see me. I am absolutely devastated and my heart is broken. If only she heard my side of the story and could see him for what he is. If only I had been strong enough to make the break in 2004!

I sincerely wish you luck.