Help with guidelines for a teenage girl's social schedule

**crd** · 10-23-2010 06:37 AM

Ten months ago I took a 15 year old girl into my home. I'm a single parent and my son is in college so having a daughter is new territory. She and I get along really well but she is very social and likes to spend much of her free time with friends. She's also in sports so I end up doing a tremendous amount of driving, getting her to and from practices, games, overnights, dates etc. Often when she is out with friends, the plans change resulting in spontaneous sleepovers or a need to be picked up at a different time than she thought which makes it difficult for me to have any social life of my own. I also live further away from the school than many of her friends so I hesitate to ask other parents to pick her up or drop her off because I hate to burden them with the longer drive.

As we work out a reasonable compromise, I'd like to hear what other mothers of teens feel is a reasonable social schedule. She doesn't go out with friends on school nights so she feels going out on both Friday and Saturday nights is reasonable, but of course, she has sports on school nights so from my perspective I'm still driving her somewhere every night. She tries to stick to the agreed schedule when she does go out but her friends often change their plans at the last minute and she can't control that. How do you all handle the constant change of plans and the spontaneous sleepovers? How many nights a week do you let your daughters (or sons) make plans that you have to drive them to? How many sleepovers a night is reasonable? What do you do when you try to make plans to do something for yourself and then her friends change their plans leading to a domino effect that messes up yours?

I'm an introvert and she's an extrovert so I can't use my own experience to judge this. Any guidance would be helpful.

**WildChild** · 10-23-2010 08:02 AM

How are her grades?
School work comes first.
Does she help out around the house?
With my teens, when they were dependant on me for transportation, on school nights the only activites were school related, which includes sports. With sports that can get crazy. However the typical HS sports season is 8 - 10 weeks, so you do get some breaks.

Having a child that you didn't raise poses more of a challenge since the two of you don't have any long standing understandings. It sounds like the two of you are communicating pretty well?

You need some ground rules and one would be that when You have plans, her non-schoool activities will have to work around yours. It won't hurt her a bit to miss a sleepover now and then. I guarantee the other girls miss some too. I had a rule that I had to meet the parents at any house my kids slept over at. I kept this rule until after they were 16 and driving themselves. There must be a responsible adult present in the home when the sleepover was occurring and I had to have the address and a phone number for an adult in the household. I learned the hard way with a stepdaughter that just because you can reach them doesn't mean you have any idea where they really are and that having friends numbers doesn't mean you can reach anyone coherant and in charge.

I also required that they let me know where they are going, who they are with, how they are getting there, how they are getting home. For a many years we lived way out in the sticks, only people who lived further out would ever be 'just passing by'. But there were still parents who offered to pcik up or drop off occasionally and I sometimes returned that favor, so don't assume that people aren't willing to do this. If you aren't home and she is dropped off, she needs to call you to let you know she is home.

You have a life, you are the adult. Its up to you to find the balance and set the guidelines, although at this age it should be done in consultation. You make the final decisions.

**Hopeless Dork** · 10-23-2010 01:02 PM

High school activities are such a burden on the parent, BUT...studies have shown that the more school activities a child is involved in... the less likely they are to drop out, the more likely they are to have a commitment to their school... the more likely they are to suceed there. So as tiring as it is, its a really good thing.

I use to be like you where I would be afraid to burden the other parent, but hey... when their child sleeps over at your house they are getting a break, some peace and quiet so you are essentially doing them a favor

don't be afraid to ask to be met half way, like you'll drive your child when she is having a sleep over somewhere else, but other people must drive their children when they are coming to sleep at your house.

Or saying that you will take the kids if they will pick them up and vice versa. I use to be the driver for all my kids friends and my kid because I didn't want to ask the other parents to help but now I don't feel bad about doing so. It really does take a villiage and making friends with your kids friends will help so much in 1. getting to take breaks from driving and 2. better knowing whats going on in your childs life.

When I was a teenager me and my friends would say we were sleeping at a friends house and we'd go hang out with boys all night then go crash at the house of the friend with the most leniant "cool" parent, so get to know the parents of the kids your daughter is hanging out with... some may or may not share your ideals of whats acceptable for a teenager so inviting them over for coffee etc will give you a better idea of how safe you can feel about her being over there.

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