my mother truly hate me

**saddee** · 03-14-2011 12:28 AM

I am but 22 years young, and have or is coming to terms with my mothers hatred. I can not understand why in recent times this has come. Our relationship has been nothing but ups and downs. Since i was a child i was always at the receiving end of her anger. She even took out her own molestation on me at age 4 till now.and was also a drinker. It went on until my teen years when i learned to fight back. then on she began to beat me even harder. Or her words ripped me apart even more. My depression got so bad i began cutting or self mutilating just so i could finally be the cause of my pain. And to add more to the mix she has been in a mental hospital 3 times in the last 4 yrs. And of course i was there at her side and only hoped she would get better. sometimes it seems she has. but as of late she has grown full of more hate towards me than ever. The fighting got so bad i moved out at 17. this was shortly after loosing my father(he was a drug addict and in and out of my life). my grandmother took me and tried to make my life better. but that only seem to enrage my mother even more. i would awake at night with her screaming at me or following me around trying to start a fight. I than had to move out of there just to keep my sanity. I admit i was not a perfect child. was not the smartest and at time a bit of trouble maker at home. I know my mother was stressed but at age 12 she blamed me for her diagnosis of MS. How motherly of her.. considering i am her only child and the only memeber in the family that tries to care for her. i am just wondering how can a mother blame all her misfortune and have so much hate for her only child. the only that if she had fallen ill.. could actually help her. she constantly threatens to kick me out.. thus making me homeless. and to make matters worse i was in a hit and run accident and have to way of trying to better my situation. on top of it i am broke and without a job.. she is now my only source of help, now that my grandmother has past. at this time i see no light at the end of the tunnel.. its more like a hole. and she still loves to provoke me and cause me pain. How can my own mother hate me so much? all i want to do is go school and better myself.. but her hatred only seems to bring me down. I dont know want to do anymore. how CAN someone hate their own child when they brought them into this world??

**WildChild** · 03-14-2011 12:32 AM

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this and grew up with it. I cannot understand how a mother could act like this. As you have said, she is obviously mentally ill.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-14-2011 01:34 AM

saddee

Your Mother doesn't know how to be a Mother, she's too busy wollowing in self pity of how she ruined her life, even if she is ill, mentally, it sounds more like a downward spiral...

Maybe, she wished she could start again, maybe she blames the drug addict Father and as you are a product, she won't acknowledge you...Maybe she drinks, is on drugs and needs to fight so she searches for you....Maybe she wished she was like you, a smarter person, kinder person with love inside, so she feels she has to destroy you.

Here is the thing...None of us are useless, the roads are very hard, tough, I've been there myself at 16 and was taken in...but you have to fight for you, your life....or else you will allow her to make you her...do you want that?

You know if you were to have children they would be loved right?

Are you going to let her take that away from you?

She had you, but you are a grown woman now, it's time to make some decisions, to stop thinking you can't do anything about this and live your own life, because you can....

I am sorry she is hurting and takes it out on you, and for the molestation yet, you still love her, don't change that, realise she is who she is, but you have so much more love to give, it's time you stepped out and gave it to others and received it back don't you think?

CW

**fiestypunkgirl** · 05-30-2011 01:26 AM

YOU are incredible!!
(kinda long sorry!)

Never have I heard a story of someone so resilliant. And you will take that with you through your life and benefit from it!! You're still so young!

Have you ever heard the story of the butterfly & its cocoon?
While, I cant quote it, I'll do my best it reminds me of you: After metemorphisis, a butterfly was found by a person struggling to get out of its cocoon. It was working so hard seeming to get no where, stuck half in and half out. It was tired, ready to give up but instinct and sheer will told it not to. It just kept going, knowing somehow this would end.
The second day, a well meaning person felt bad for the butterfly and decided to simply cut the cocoon and set it free. Because of this, it had a swollen bloated body and wings that didnt work properly. It crawled, unable to fly, for the rest of its life. It eventually starved to death being unable to collect nectar as they are intended to do.
While the person meant well, they actually set the insect up for a life it couldnt possibly live with quality.they unknowingly gave it the easy way out.
The comming out of a cocoon is actually part of the metamorphisis. An essential part. Butterflies need to push their way through because that pushes out the execss fluids and strengthens and enables the wings, legs, etc. Its the last step in them changing. No matter how difficult it is, its crucial. It may take days (a long time when your life span is that of a bug haha!) but the struggle to get through the opening of the cocoon is absolutely essential for the fly to be normal.
Moral of the story, no matter how hard the struggle, no matter how stuck your are wondering if this is going to end, you'll find yourself better when you fight through it & come out of it.

So please. keep trying! You have so much to live for. We're here for you. We hear you, you ar special and we want to provide support

I dont have much advice, other than take baby steps to get on your way. Probably starting with employemnt. This is totally my speculation. Only YOU know which steps have to come first.

Can you find a job using public transit, your own two feet, or somewhere that a friend works (who could help you out with rides?) Step two, get out on your own. It'll help your well being SO much. Did you know there are people who rent out just rooms in their homes for really cheap? (try your local craigslist).

Lastly, take time for yourself!! Im talking about concertated, full awareness, time doing something you enjoy. No interruptions. It'll help you feel centered with all this chaos around you.

No matter what, I have the utmost respect for you. You're a
true fighter and please dont lose that fire!