What is the right thing to do?

**Hopeless Dork** · 04-02-2011 09:43 AM

Background:

My teenage son has only met his father once (when he was not even 2 years old yet) it was one meeting and he has no memory of it at all.

Me and his father had a fling one summer which resulted in my pregnancy. I decided to have my son... knowing full well his dad was flakey, a player, and was no way ready to be a dad to him. He would call me occasionally during my pregnancy, and after my son was born he'd say he was going to come visit and never did. The one meeting they did have, was incidental (we ran into each other at a restaurant) he sat there with a blank expression.. no emotion at seeing his son for the first (and only) time, said he'd call... called once for my address to 'come by' and never did.

I did not pursue calling him, nor did I pursue him for child support as he was not working or doing anything with himself anyway.

My child has had so many times where he's cried wondering why he doesn't get to have a dad like other kids (however its been a few years since he's even mentioned it). I tried to comfort him with what he DOES have, me and grandparents that love him so much.

When my son was around 9, I ran into his dads brother, he wanted to see his nephew... we set a date and time for him to come visit. I sat my son down and explained to him about his dads brother and him coming and he was THRILLED.

He was going to come over around 6pm... by 3pm my kid was on the patio, excited, waiting. 6pm came and went and by 7pm he called and said he was in a meeting and would be over shortly. Still my son waited, he wouldn't come in for dinner, he had to wait right there... 9pm rolled around and I called and he said... he was leaving the meeting and was on his way. By 10ish I made my kid come in the house and he finally fell asleep crying and upset by midnight.

His uncle never called again, and I did not attempt to reach him. I had to explain to my child how his uncle must have just gotten busy... for a few days he still had hope he'd stop by but that faded out soon.

Onward... forward... he's a well-adjusted happy kid, lots of friends, lil girlfriends, smart, funny... and like I said... hasn't mentioned any concern about his dad in a long time.

The issue?
I was browsing facebook yesterday and I saw his dad on there... he's active on the site posting all the time etc... we havent spoke since the last time he called saying he'd come over (and didn't) when my son was around 2.

Part of me feels like I have some obligation to contact him, to see if he's changed (become responsible) , to see if he wants to get to know the kid he helped create. Part of me feels like I owe to my son to at least try to help him , if nothing else, MEET his biological father.

Part of me feels like to pretending I didn't see him on FB, and to just let it go... last thing my son needs is a flicker of hope to get ripped out from under him....

I have ZERO interest in re-connecting with his father romantically -- I am in love and very happy in my relationship of several years to my boyfriend... so its not about me remincing about the past or anything like that -- AT ALL. Its about trying to give my son some closure to some longing he may have to know who his dad is (even if he quit mentioning it to me).

My mind is telling me to let it go, that history has shown me that any attempts at connecting his father or his fathers family has only ended up in making my child feel sad. But somewhere in my heart I'm wondering -- is this really my call to make? Would my son have wanted me to jump on an opportunity to possiblly connect them to each other?

I'm just not sure whats right.

**WildChild** · 04-02-2011 10:04 AM

Wow this is a toughie. I think at this point leave it to your son to initiate contact. As long as the man is on FB it will be easy for your son to contact him if and when he chooses to. Apparently this poor follow up and lack of connection and caring runs in his birth father's family. As long as your son is happy as things are, why rock his boat? I assume you are on FB and dad could contact you or your son if he chose to?

**Seeker_Advice** · 04-02-2011 04:04 PM

Yes, it's your call to make.

Until your son is of legal age and considered an adult OR comes to you and expresses some strong desire to find his dad, not just a mention of him in passing, but a constant ongoing request for you to help him.

Until then, let it go.....

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-02-2011 05:18 PM

I agree,

He has a father figure in his life.... and he has love surrounding him....

The day will come where he will choose to locate him and by then his Father may be older/wiser

**Hopeless Dork** · 04-02-2011 10:36 PM

Thank you guys so much... my gut instinct was to let it go and Its what I am going to do. I guess I just wanted to hear what some of you would do in my position to see whether or not I needed to think about this more before writing off the thought of attempting to connect them. I have NO reason to believe he is any more dependable than he ever was... and since my son seems in a good spot and happy with his life right now... I don't see the point in being a part of what could end up hurting his feelings.

**jns** · 04-02-2011 10:54 PM

Does he know any names in his father's family? If he does, he may search for that name, but won't be able to distinguish between multiple hits. Was the father's name on the birth certificate? That is another way to find out. When he is 18 and can be on this own is a good time to find out if he wants to know more. All of his father's family sound unfocused. His grandparents on that side never wanted to know, either?

**virgo man** · 04-02-2011 11:07 PM

HD, I’ve been reading these forums for some time but never registered. However after reading your question I felt compelled to register so I could reply. I’m a man, almost 50 and with no children. Even so, the answer to your question seems obvious. Here it is:

Don’t contact the father or any of his family.

Your son has not mentioned the situation with his father for a few years. Let things happen naturally. When your son is ready to deal with the issue he will ask you for contact information for his father. It will happen someday. Trust me.

You said ‘Its about trying to give my son some closure to some longing he may have to know who his dad is’. You’re a mother and therefore this is a very understandable sentiment on your part. However, HD, its not for you to solve all your son’s pain and grief. Everyone in life – yourself, your parents, your son – will have pain in their lives and addressing that pain and working through it is a way that we learn and grow up. The Lord doesn’t make anyone’s life pain-free (although some people like to pretend so) because its his intention that we learn from it.

Do you know of a book called the ‘Trumpet of the Swan’ by EB White? In it a trumpeter swan (a type of swan) named Luis is born mute and therefore endures some rejection from the other swans. His father buys him a brass trumpet and Luis learns to play it. In order to communicate Luis also learns to read and write. So in the end it was through Luis overcoming his difficulties that he learns to play a trumpet as well as read and write. I take Luis’s reading to mean ‘reading the writing on the wall’ or in short ‘to know wisdom’.

As for you, I’ve learned a few things in my life so far and there are three insights that you might find useful for yourself.

Insight one: Bad people don’t change. With age they just get better at hiding their evilness but they don’t change.

Insight two: Badness runs in families. This isn’t always true but its true more than half the time and is a good guiding principle. Reading about his uncle’s actions didn’t surprise me.

Insight three: Life has phases, doors, if you will. Its sort of like those huge doors used in the Panama canal (I think they call them ‘locks’). In any case, you can sort of sense when the doors have closed behind you. Don’t go back to get anything from the other side. His father is gone and gone for your life.

HD, as I said above I’ve been quietly reading these forums for a while. You’re given many, many great answers to other people’s questions but its not always so easy to see your own situation. I hope this is useful to you. I wrote it in haste and I’m not as skilled a writer as you.

On a side note. What often stands out about your replies is your ability to explain complicated emotional truths in very simple and effective language. You also have a gift for being forthright without ever being offensive. Given that you're blessed with such abilities (and have raise a teenage son, nonetheless) it seems to me that its about time that you change your screen name to something other than ‘Hopeless Dork’.

All best.

**WildChild** · 04-02-2011 11:13 PM

LOL we've been telling her that she is neither Hopeless or a Dork. She is a wonderful woman and a darling.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-03-2011 03:46 AM

virgo man don't you dare stop now, you joined

What a beautiful post, we thank you.....

CW

**Hopeless Dork** · 04-03-2011 08:20 AM

Thanks so much for your words, Virgo. And I agree with CW -- I hope you stick around and join in on the discussions -- your insight is so very appreciated!! It means a lot to me that you would come out of 'lurk status'

to assist me with my worries and I agree with everything you said.

To JNS -- as for his grandparents on the other side... neither him nor his brother ever knew their dad so its just their mom who lives out of state, I've never had any contact with her and for all I know she doesn't even know about him. Some how I doubt he'd feel any pride telling his mom he had a son he was not seeing or helping to care for.