I asked my 9 year old if she would be upset if I left her father

**torn2pieces** · 04-07-2011 09:50 AM

I realize that is beyond a conversation for a 9 year old. The history is her biological father is a deadbeat, I met "B" (her father now that loves her) when she was 4, since then he has been the best father to her and he and I have had a little boy so we are a "happy" family. I have found out he is cheating and I want to leave him, but my biggest concern is taking the family from her, taking him out of her life and her no longer having a father figure she longed for before he and I met. I even thought I will just stay with him for another 10 years for her sake, so she can atleast have those experiences and memories with a father and family. I believe I can take the pain to make life better for her. So when I asked her that this morning, she said "No I won't be mad at you". Of course that isn't the right question or really my concern. My concern is all the pain she is going to go through, it won't be surprising if it affects her grades and she is emotionally upset over this. I was in the exact same situation with a step father at her age, and about her age my Mother and him divorced. It bothered me so bad that I ended up in the hospital because I was throwing up all the time (stress did then and still does effect my stomach bad). I still have the teddy bear my father brought me in the hospital almost 20 years ago. I'm afraid for my little girl to go through this similar pain. Everyone says I don't want to stay with him and teach her that example, and they are right. But I am sure sometimes staying together for the kids can be the right thing and I am willing to do it for her. I hurt for her as I deal with this situation. B and I have had our ups and downs and she has been aware sometimes. One time she said to him I don't want you to break my Mom's heart like other people have. OMG I couldn't believe and didn't know she felt that way. My babygirl is my main concern right now. As far as our son I believe he will be fine, he is 2, and B will be there for him, I have no doubt, B has a great family that will be there for him, I know I will have to deal with the transition with my son, but not the hurt and pain my girl is going to feel.

**Seeker_Advice** · 04-07-2011 09:59 AM

I just answered your other thread, so I will answer this one much more quickly....

Children would rather come from a broken home then live in one

If you can't leave your cheating husband for yourself, then leave him for your children.

**Hopeless Dork** · 04-07-2011 06:15 PM

I think it isn't really fair to ask your daughter her opinion of whether or not you should stay or leave. If you stay for her... and end up miserable -- don't you think she will forever blame herself? That she will endure the pain of feeling like her mother stayed with a man who cheated on her, etc.. just to make her happy? She's 9... she's old enough to have total recall of everything going on. If I were you, I would talk to her again and make it clear that whatever you decide will be mommy's decision -- she has been given now an anxiety about whether or not you are leaving when you haven't even decided you are going to go.

I don't think you can put this type of weight on her shoulders. In your own mind you should factor her into your decision , but stay or go ... should be clear that was all you and what YOU thought was best.

**Mes T** · 04-07-2011 07:18 PM

Oh I agree with the others so completely...

You aren't doing your daughter any favors by staying with this man and being miserable. Even if you could "hide" your unhappiness for years to come... it'll all come out in the open eventually, and it'll be a mess for everyone involved.

As long as you take steps to make yourself happy, your daughter will be happy. A happy mother is a good mother.

**Seeker_Advice** · 04-07-2011 07:48 PM

This is an adult decision to be made by an adult and no one else. It was wrong to "discuss" it with a 9 year old IMO.

Keep adult issues to your self or share them with a close friend if you have to but NOT to your 9 year old.

**torn2pieces** · 04-08-2011 02:13 PM

I know and I get it. I asked her as we was getting ready and quickly said "don't worry about it, nevermind". The morning went on normal and she hasn't shown one sign of concern nor has she asked me about it (and she would if it was on her mind). I hope the conversation went fly by night with her. I didn't ask her opinion, I asked would you be mad at me, so I didn't put it on her as "if I do this for you". I didn't say anything of blaming her. Although, I know the question should not of been asked at all.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-08-2011 03:51 PM

Torn I think your question was should you stay for a child, and because of your childhood, you broached the subject to gage reaction, to try to get an indication of the direction you should go in.

Don't beat yourself up on the answers over should or shouldn't you have done that... Only you know the maturity of your child however, a child will always make Mummy feel better with the "right" answer

I am sure that she feels the tension and is aware of the not so happy family situation she lives in... My step daughter was 11 however, my fiance had separated first before introducing me and asking her if that was ok, Dad had a girlfriend...

But people in my opinion are correct, what she and your son want is to have a "happy" family, and if that isn't going to be the case, then a "happy Mummy" who will find someone else .

CW

**WildChild** · 04-08-2011 05:11 PM

Its good to give children a voice in an appropriate way. For example, do you want the blue sneakers or the yellow ones? Do you want to play soccer this season or try out for swim team? Do you want to see the movie in the theater or get the DVD when it comes out because we can only do one or the other?

This starts to teach them to make choices or to delay immediate gratification in order to have a long term benefit.

It is very important for children to understand that you weight choices and options and that the more important the outcome, the more consideration you give it. But it is vital to their sense of security to know that the adults in their lives will handle the adult issues and do what is best for them. I am a very democratic parent and always tried to create opportunities for my kids to think critically and make choices but I would never put the burden of life altering adult choices on them. Kids naturally (even very seemingly mature kids) assume that the world revolves around them and they will often, without adults knowing it, assume that they are somehow the cause of issues between their parents.

As soon as you know what you are going to do, you need to talk to your daughter and explain that this is YOUR decision, that you are doing what you think will be best for you and her dad in the long run. Even if you don't think she is bothered you need to make it very clear that she is not the reason for this situation.

Its too late to take back your question but do not try to quell your anxieties through your children. It is your job to reassure them not theirs to support you in your choices.

**Maximus** · 04-09-2011 03:33 PM

Like you said yourself, the conversation is beyond a 9 year old.
Yet she sees you and feels all that is around. Would it pain, distress or joy.

You would your daughter a much better service if "B" and you keep her out of disagreements and problems, until you reach the separation stage.
Then you would both present to her the future organization (him leaving, etc...)
The important factors are that she sees both dealing with the situation without turmoil in her presence.
These two concrete actions will bring her the level of re-assurance she needs to continue her life without fearing for you, and her.

On the same token, although "B" is a stepfather, I would be very cautious in the choice of words when speaking about her biological father.

**spurzzz** · 04-12-2011 11:19 AM

I do not think for one second that staying in a relationship with a cheat is the best solution for you or your daughter?

You do not sound like you have much confidence at the moment and that is a big factor in you making a clear decision. The troubles of your past should have made you a stronger person, but in essence you seem scared of it and are scared that your daughter will have the same troubles. You cannot let this experience cloud your senses. Your sense and it is clear is to leave------------so leave! Are you scared to leave for other reasons also?

Do you not think that you can find another man, that will lead by example? Your Daughter will soon grow up and learn the harsh realities of the world. And what if she experiences the same situation that you are in? Would you have shown her that Mum was strong and decisive and will never let anyone walk all over her or would you have shown her a weak mum who "put up with things" and she put up with a cheat.

This is not your daughters relationship it is yours. You are entitled to a life you know? Being miserable helps no one, especially not the one you want to make sacrifices for??

Do the right thing and move quickly from the dead-end relationship and get your life back. Go teach your daughter what strength is and what being a good mum is all about.....Good luck hun!