Do couples have children as a second attempt at their own lives?

**miffed23** · 05-15-2011 01:21 PM

Random thread

I was thinking today how I wish that i'd done ballet professionally as a child and became disappointed that i'm now too old to start.

I appauled myself then by immediately thinking that in the future, I'd take my daughter to ballet classes as a means so that she could experience what I never did. Is this awful? Have any parents here had children and gently nudged them into doing things that they wish they'd done? Has this turned out positively for both your child and you?

It just made me think, do we on a subconscious level, have children to right our wrongs?

**Hopeless Dork** · 05-15-2011 01:28 PM

I think everyone wants their kids to have any opportunity they didn't.. thats normal. Encouraging a child to try different things to find THEIR dream, is good... even if some of those encouragements are based on dreams a parent had for themselves that were unfullfilled. But there is a huge difference between encouragement of those things and forcing a child to become everything a parent wasn't. You see that often with pagent mom's or football dads.. the ones that put the most unrealistic of expectations on their child because they will be dog'goned if their child will be a failure at something they want for them. Thats where it gets ugly. When you see a child at a baseball game, where you can see their heart (nor natural talents) are trully in it... but the parent is screaming at them, do this, do that, you should have done better!!

Or women that are spray-tanning their 3 year old so they can win some beauty queen tiara that the kid could care less about it...

Its good for parents to encourage dreams, activities and skills but there is a grey area where wanting a kid to become successful (especially at something the parent wasn't able to accomplish) can place undue burdeon on a child to live up to a dream that isn't even their own.

**Little.Chuck** · 05-15-2011 01:28 PM

Originally Posted by miffed23

It just made me think, do we on a subconscious level, have children to right our wrongs?

No, but we do try to protect our children and prevent them from making the same 'mistakes' as we did. It only becomes a problem when children are forced into doing activities they do not want to do, just to please the parent..

**miffed23** · 05-15-2011 04:24 PM

Originally Posted by Little.Chuck

It only becomes a problem when children are forced into doing activities they do not want to do, just to please the parent..

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

Its good for parents to encourage dreams, activities and skills but there is a grey area where wanting a kid to become successful (especially at something the parent wasn't able to accomplish) can place undue burdeon on a child to live up to a dream that isn't even their own.

Great points. Thank you.

I suppose, as children are shaped on what parents hobbies, beliefs are anyway...it isn't a bad thing to encourage them to try out things that please you. I would certainly encourage my children to horse ride, because I love it, but then as you've both said, if they didnt enjoy it - I wouldn't tie them to the saddle and demand that they do it.

I still cant help but feel that taking my future daughter to ballet is somewhat wrong. Perhaps it wouldnt be if I tried it out myself....

**WildChild** · 05-15-2011 05:34 PM

Some parents attempt to make their children what they are not, or in their own image. This is so wrong.
They are each their own person, a spirit being, here for a reason.
I think that a good parent encourages a child to be the best of who they are. There is nothing more moving or delightful for me as a parent than to see my children expanding their understanding, uncovering aptitudes and spreading their wings to explore what interests and delights them.

**Hopeless Dork** · 05-15-2011 06:13 PM

Originally Posted by miffed23

I still cant help but feel that taking my future daughter to ballet is somewhat wrong. Perhaps it wouldnt be if I tried it out myself....

It would not be wrong at all to introduce her to it, even to tell her how much you wanted to do it when you were a little girl. But where you want to tread likely is making it seem like its essential she do it in order to make you happy. So many kids do things they don't want to be doing because they don't want to dissapoint their parents... that kind of need for approval, can lean towards a feeling that if they don't do xyz or don't do extraordinarily well at xyz... that they aren't worthy of your love... and that can create a stress factor that will seep into how they interact not just with their parent, but with future relationships... etc.

Its ALWAYS a good thing to encourage a child into activities, its really cool if they like what you like... but always be careful, even within your own thoughts... for the dreams you have for them, so that you can be happy with whatever path they take on... and not feel cheated that they didn't end up the way you envisioned... its best to keep that dream for you kids vague as in : As long as they are happy.

I think a lot of fathers wouldn't disown sons for being gay, etc.. if they hadnt spent the first 13 years of their childs lives dreaming he would be some macho football player... etc... so they feel cheated from that dream, and project that dissapointment on to their kids. its a form of projection, they want their kid to be what they couldn't... or they want their kid to be what they were... but its important to keep in mind that kids need to be who THEY are... more than anything else.