Tough Love?? Who does it hurt more? Just kicked out my 18 yr old son....

**jade8568** · 09-23-2011 05:14 PM

I'm a divorced mother of 2. I have a 15 yr old daughter with special needs, and an almost 19 yr old son whom I just had no choice but to kick out of my home 2 weeks ago. Right now I am so torn between anger at what my son has done, and missing him so much that I just want to cry. I dont understand how 2 kids can be raised by the same parents and yet turn out to be so different.
My son has been in & out of trouble with selling and using pills & pot since he was about 13. He's been in rehab twice, and to no avail, it seems do do some good for about a couple weeks and then he is right back into the swing of things and hanging back out with his usual loser friends. He has stolen money from me, and his sister many times and we have had to resort to locking our bedrooms and keeping locked safes in our rooms as well. All meds, money, and valuables have had to be locked at all times. He is also one of those kids who can win the world over with his smile.. who basically schmoozed his way through high school, because he sure didnt earn that diploma by doing any work. I have kicked him out a few other times before but of course then always feeling bad that he had no where to go and I'd end up having that big talk with him and always took him back in.. well 2 weeks ago today was the straw that broke the camels back. I went to get my new meds from my safe and half of each bottle was empty (one RX sleeping med..and 1 RX muscle relaxer). I also keep all of my jewlry and important papers in there as well, but I noticed the meds first. I called him on it and it ended up in a huge argument. I told him I was calling the cops and he said if I did that he would commit suicide, which is his usual attempt at trying to get me to feel sorrry for him and not call the police) well I told him to go right ahead and that I was calling the cops anyhow. Of course he didnt try suicide. but the cops and ambulance came and took him to the hospital overnight for a psych eval (much to his suprise!) The night they took him away I was a complete mess. The police asked if I minded if they looked in his room. I let them. Within 2 seconds they found a little plastic bag containing some of my gold jewlery inside of an Xbox game! I was devistated! I then looked back inside my safe and saw that ALL of my gold was gone. Every last bit. Not that I had all that much but what I had had sentimental value.. thing handed down from my mom, grandmother, aunt, my wedding band & engagement ring, and my boyfriends very expensive ring and chain... all of it gone. I cant even describe how I feel at this point. How anyone could do this especially to his own mother!! Hes been on probation for a yr and still has no drivers liscence or permit, so his father had to pick him up from the hospital and bring him home. Much to BOTH their suprise I had all of my sons belongings in big black bags sitting in the driveway. He has been living between his friends house and his fathers house ever since and I have heard he is so far keeping his job. His probation officer is taking him to court next week due to this matter and also for him skipping out on his last 2 appointments with her...and also for failed drug test while he was at the hospital that night.
As much as I hate what he has done, my heart is breaking. I miss him so much, but I want him to learn his lesson. I know everyone says drug addicts will do anything.. but in this case I feel he just uses that "addiction" card to get away with stealing whatever he can get away with. As a mother I just dont know what else to do though. I havent seen or talked to him since this has happened and I guess Im just sad. I dont even know why Im posting this or what answers I am looking for.. maybe just to get it off my chest.IDK.. but thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this and even more thanks to anyone who responds..
Kim

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-23-2011 05:47 PM

Jade, I can not imagine how you feel, but I feel for you. I am a Mother to alot but have never had children.

I imagine it has also been very hard for you raising both on your own and with a daughter as well with special needs.

It is so hard for someone highly addicted to anything to stop, because it's their mind that has to change, they have to want to live a better life and often its a "comfort" thing from something very painful in their past that made them start.

Bringing that past back up somehow and getting him to see to let it go, may be your own way of saving him from further distruction of his life...

I know it pains you for what he has done, it's not just the addiction, it can't be, knowing that the gold held sentiment, there has to be some form of "no" in his eyes, of what he is doing, yet he didn't care...

We can speculate whether it's due to the break up of you and his Father, way back then, or whether his Father doesn't take responsibilities and never did, as if he is not living with you, he should be solely living with him not between friends and a parent, but that won't help, what will maybe is if you both sit down with him, let him rage if need be, but somehow get him to talk about what is and has been hurting him the past few years and try to come to some resolution with that...In my opinion that's usually the reasoning behind such behaviour.

I hope you don't mind me commenting in that regard, it just seems like, in the way in which you wrote that, that you've been trying to deal with this yourself all the way through..

**Crystalblue** · 09-23-2011 05:52 PM

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine having to make a choice like that. I think you did exactly the right thing. You've given him chances long after he broke the trust. It doesn't mean you don't love him. Letting him continue with the way he's acting is only enabling him to get worse.

There's nothing wrong with kicking him out. Now he has the opportunity to see how he hurt you, and change by his own choice. Have you been to alanon? You may find support from people going through similar situations.

It's hard to make choices like this when it's someone you love, but ignoring it and hoping for change only hurts you and your family more in the long run. You have a right not to have to watch him go down that path, and a right to protect yourself and your daughter.

**jade8568** · 09-23-2011 07:16 PM

Chandler thank you so much for your reply! For someone NOT being a mother, you certainly seem to have alot of wisdom on this subject. And I have to tell you, you pretty much hit the nail on the head as far a s the reasons for my son going down this path to begin with. Living with my son, has been alot like reliving the last half of my marriage wich ended pretty much for the same reasons..and the same way. His dad hates to discapline and hates to take responsibility for anything.. and I have always ended up being the bad guy. My ex and I did however learn to stop living in OUR past and start helping our son with his problems when my son went to rehab for 3 months. We., as parents were made to go to "parent night counseling" once a week and it helped us so much to see that we needed to focus on our kids and not our past. But in the back of my mind I knew my son would not make a life long change.. hes too much like his father... then again my son got in trouble and was sent away to rehab for a month. Again he seemed to become this changed man, but I knew better.. as long as we lived in this neighborhood and he was still able to hang with the same friends.. nothing would change.. and I hate to say I was right.. it only got worse.. my ex now seems to have resentment towards me for filing charges against our son saying it will just make him hate me more.. but he is only mad because NOW he will have to finally step up and become the father he should have been.
Thank you again for you kind words and advice.. this was my first posting

I have been reading through posts on here for about 3 hours

**jade8568** · 09-23-2011 07:24 PM

Crystalblue.. thank you also for replying. It makes me feel better to hear that maybe I am finally doing the right thing here. I do know how much counseling (like alanon) helps and I do plan on going back to where we used to go with my son. Although it was for parents of juveniles, the counselor said we were more than welcome to attend meetings anytime we wanted to.. at not charge. It really did help to know that i wasnt the only one going through it, but at the same time.. sometimes it just depressed me more hearing so much of the same thing. I'm usually an upbeat type of persona and have instilled that into my kids. I try my hardest not to act sad in front of my daughter because she feeds so much off of my feelings. But you are definitely right, ignoring and hoping it all goes away only hurts everyone more..I'm going to stick with my decision this time.. and let him take responsibility for himself now... glad you guys are here to listen and to give advice.. hopefully I will son be able to return the favor to someone else on here

kim

**Crystalblue** · 09-23-2011 08:16 PM

Growing up, I wasn't selling drugs, but I was doing them....a lot. I got arrested and my mom moved me to my dad's shortly after. I didn't get bailed out, and had to deal with all my consequences myself. The system pretty much owned my time for the next year and a half. I had to work to pay everything off, I got myself to all my appointments with court, probation, meetings, and counselors. Granted I didn't change the way I was acting right away, but finally I woke up. Nobody could have done that for me, and I believe that nothing would have changed if my parents had taken that responsibility off of me. Looking back, I think I knew that. I didn't ask either of my parents once for money or rides to take care of my mess.

Now I have a 5 and 9 year old boys, and a new perspective on the damage I was doing. I can't imagine how hard that would be as a parent. It takes a lot to get that wake up call, but he won't get it if someone else is always answering the phone for him.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-23-2011 09:16 PM

I personally do not think what you did was wrong, it was for the right reasons and it is a way of giving him a reality check.

I guess you can't move locations? Even if it's 1hr away from where you are, is there a possibility for that?

I would ask the Courts to "make" him go back to re-hab and make him go to councelling and if you can move, do that too.

You can't save someone unless they want to save themselves, but somehow taking away means in which to feed the addiction, together with someone to talk to that they trust, can change a person...

Glad you found WH, forgot to welcome you

You're important as well, you've been through obviously alot in your life and if he is like his Father, it's what he saw, what he knew and the foundation was created unfortunately but that does not mean he doesn't have your side, in him that can be bought out.

**jns** · 09-25-2011 02:07 PM

jade, stay strong. Your son has to learn he cannot talk his way out of everything and put the burden instead on those who love him. You are doing the right thing for him although he doesn't understand it now.

**LadyBee** · 09-26-2011 07:35 AM

Jade, I'm new here but reading your post, my heart went out to you and I'm really sorry that you are going through this. I can't imagine what it must be like to be in your position though I have a family member who behaved in a similar way and it was heartbreaking for all involved.

What stands out for me is that while you call it 'tough love' it still has the word 'love' in it which is lovely. It means that you love him no matter what. When someone is on that kind of path, there is very little you can do to change what they are doing. I guess they sometimes have to go through it while you hold the hope and love for your son. But you also have to look after not only your daughter but yourself.

This is little comfort I am sure but hang in there and I have no doubt that anyone who reads or responds to this post will be rooting for you and your family.

LadyBee

**Cyndie32** · 09-26-2011 01:09 PM

i was in a similar situation a few years ago. i have two boys, when this all started they were 16 and 11 (now 26 and 21). i had my oldest in and out of counciling. he was having problems at school. ditching work. got caught stealing. and then i found out he was doing drugs. i found out because he was smoking pot in his room while i was right out in the living room. i went to his room and opened the door and he cuffed something. it was pot. we got into a disagreement because he said he wasnt smoking in my house and i clearly caught him. he got mad at me, grabbed me and threw me up against the wall. i called the police and had him arrested. i would not let him come home. i tried to help him. he lived with his grandma for a while till he stole from her (age 17). she kicked him out. he went to live with his sister (from exhusbands previous marriage) and became her drug delivery person (age 18). he got busted and served 2 months in jail. when he got out i let him come back home. he had been clean and needed a chance. he was arrested 1 month later fro grand larceny. he was sentanced to 1 year in jail. after about 2 months i got a letter from the court house saying there was going to be a hearing for the determination of my sons metal capacity. after 6 months of analyisis, they finally determined that my son was parinoid schizophrenic with bi polor disorder. he got out of jail and i tried to help. he said the only time he felt normal was when he was high. this finally explained his teenage life. he was on medication now but he hated it. it made him feel like a zombie. but to me it was better than the alternative. he quit taking his meds and went out partying with his friends, he had just turned 21. i got a call from the hospital. my son had over dosed. apparently he had snorted something that was bad and now his brain was fried. my son, now 26 will never be right again. he lives a sad life. i did the tough love thing. would i do it again? absolutely. i could not help my son. i had tried and he refused to let me. i had to let go. i had to protect my youngest son. my oldest son made his decisions. i gave him every opprotunity to help himself and he refused. i could not force him. he had to want to and he didn't. my only regret is that i could not find a professional that could figure out that he had the early stages of schizophrenia before it was to late. so my advice to you? have your son evaluated by a trusted professional physcoligist. one who deals with mental disorders so that you can be sure that the decisions your son is making are his own. not from the voices in his head. because trust me, i thought my son was a drug attic and come to find out he was self medicating.