Childless & wondering if I've made a mistake

**lisa71** · 11-15-2011 07:53 AM

As some of you will know I'm struggling with relationship issues at the moment - whether to leave my long-term partner after he cheated on me and my attraction to another man.

A new issue has also surfaced in the last few weeks. One which I never expected. My partner is a lot older than me and already had children when we met. As I've never felt the urge to have children, when he told me he didn't want any more I was quite happy no to. But now that Iam considering ending our relationship (well I do want to end it but need to find the courage first), I'm wondering if I've made a mistake in not wanting them. I'm in my late thirties and it's as if my biological clock has suddenly started ticking. But I also know I have to be realistic - the chance of me meeting someone who does want them before it's too late are slim. Having said that a family friend met someone aged 40 and has just had her first child at 41, so it's not impossible.

Interested to know what you all think. Thank you.

**Little** · 11-15-2011 12:21 PM

I don't think you've made a mistake in not having children yet - because you weren't interested in having them until now. That sounds like a good decision!
But if you want to have children now/in the future, it's definitely not too late. First you should really examine whether you want children now, or if you're just having a "what if" moment. If you know you want a child for the rest of your life, there are lots of options for you - whether to wait to find a partner or look for single motherhood. There's also the option of adopting a child (either as part of a couple or a single mom) or even fostering.
In fact, you might want to try out fostering or just volunteering in a child-oriented opportunity to see if your sudden desire for children is tenable.

**lisa71** · 11-15-2011 01:19 PM

You've raised some really good points, Little. Thank you! I agree that spending some time with young children should help me to decide if it's just a what if moment. Glad to hear that isn't too late, though. Fostering would be something I would consider as I was fostered myself but not feasable at the moment. Something to consider, I think.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 11-16-2011 06:53 AM

Most definitely not too late for you.

It's quite common for us gals to find ourselves wanting what our partners want, just to keep the peace. Or perhaps you two didn't have the correct connection and love to make you WANT to bring a child into the world with him. Now that you're free from that, the idea is there. Nothing wrong with that. Though pregnancies past 35 are riskier, they happen all the time.

And of course adoption or fostering like Little said. I think adoption is one of the most amazing things someone can do.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-16-2011 01:22 PM

A family friend met someone aged 40 and has just had her first child at 41, so it's not impossible.

It makes you wonder doesn't it when you see your friends little one, and her age, and you start comparing to yourself.

Personally, I was / am career orientated that means I didn't marry until 36, we didn't try for a child, half of me thought I'd like one. He changed his tune pretty much the day we got married from agreeing with that, with me, to none... But, I think if I really, really yearned for that child, I would have simply gone of the pill without telling him, or something, if I couldn't talk him into it again, hate people that lie by the way, or change them mind "once you marry' that's wrong. Anyways, point being I am now 48 and don't regret not having children (specially with him

) I now have a step daughter, I am engaged to someone else and I have a world of young ladies that come to me so I have loads of children.

I am still career orientated probably more than ever... If you had that thought before your friend had a baby, then more than likely that's how you truly feel.

Irrespective you are not too old and you will know, it will really eat at you if you really do want a child, if not, I bet you will be there as a GodMother, Aunty to many children.

CW

**lisa71** · 11-25-2011 03:56 AM

Thank you, Beautiful Disaster and Chandlers Wish. I'm really sorry for taking so long to reply.

Beautiful Disaster - I think you hit the nail on the head when you said about not having the right connection to have a child with my partner. He's not a bad father to my two step-children but he's not great either. The truth is over the years I've been the one to have to push him with regard to keeping a good relationship with them.

Chandlers Wish - I'm sorry to hear your husband changed his mind from pretty much day one of your marriage. That was VERY unfair. But like you, I do have a good relationships with all the children in my family, so I'm not missing out. Thank you for your positive thoughts.

**rosekitten** · 11-25-2011 09:43 AM

Also, if you end up not finding someone that you can have a child with "in time" you could consider adoption.

**belinda_davis** · 02-02-2012 08:32 PM

Not having children isn't the end of the world, though I can understand the desire to have them too. Personally I always knew I wanted kids, ever since I was 16. Some people are late bloomers and other people choose not to have them for reasons of their own. There is no right answer. I hope you figure out what you want to do, like ChandlersWish said you can still have many rich experiences with children through being an aunt or godmother etc