Anxious about the idea of having kids

**azalea** · 01-08-2012 06:35 PM

My partner and I are still years off from having kids, but even now, I feel anxiety about it and have been wanting to talk to someone.

My partner has always had a dream of having his own little family someday. He grew up with a very loving family, and even now his bonds with his parents and sister are very strong and mean the world to him. However... I've never been very enchanted with the idea of family, and I did not have any good examples of family growing up. I'm very frightened of every aspect of it, from the pain of birth to the responsibility of shaping a human life.

My partner always hoped on having kids by about age 32, and with that only being a couple years away now, I can't help but get anxious. We share many dreams of our future homes, travels, careers, pets, etc. We would love to spend a lifetime together, but I worry that my fear of having kids will either force him to leave someday, or he will lead a more empty life than he had always hoped, or I will have to take a very frightening plunge. When I try to talk to my partner about it, it scares him too, because he is afraid of those possible future choices. He is a very gentle and supportive person, but I try to avoid bringing it up for now.

Fortunately, this decision is not being made right now, and maybe someday those maternal instincts will finally kick in... but right now, but it comes to mind a lot and causes me stress.

I just wanted to talk to someone about this. Thank you for your support!

**caterpillar79** · 01-08-2012 07:49 PM

Why don't you, two find a family counselor so you can both figure out whether it is having kids you really can get yourselves into. For example, with me, I'd like to have kids with my husband but he doesn't. No matter how much I'd love to, there is no way I will "force" or coerce him into doing something he told me he does not want. So, I decided it is not important anymore. I don't want him to resent me if I insist. I don't want him to "change" for me - and I was okay with that.

In your case, you have to search your heart of hearts - what you really want and what you can negotiate with him - to what extent. Then maybe you can open up and tell him what it is that really bothers you about having kids, etc.

**azalea** · 01-09-2012 12:47 PM

Thank you caterpillar, that is a great idea that I did not think of. We are very good at finding compromises for each other in our relationship that make us both happy, but having kids is something that we cannot compromise on. He would never force me into it, but I also wouldn't want to force him to give up on his dream of family. The only solution to this problem will be for one of us to have a change of heart.

He would probably think the idea of family counseling is great, too. We are both thorough people and will always do tons of research, planning and thinking before making decisions. Thank you for your suggestion, I feel better knowing that we can look to help.