Thread: Messy/Unclean Daughter

Originally Posted by Dragonfly

Her home should be a safe place to be not one of ridicule and resentment.

I agree.

Originally Posted by Dragonfly

it sounds like this mother is not being sensitive enough and may mess this kid up...

Her daughter needs some guidance and from what she's posted she has been trying to give it to her.

Attitude makes all the difference in the world when something is said. If she just says "you stink" in a disgusted tone then yes, I would consider that mean and unnecessary. If she says something like "honey, you really need to wash better you stink" in a loving tone ........ With what attitude she's been giving her guidance none of us know, all we know is what she has written for us to read.

I'm sure this child would much rather have her mother tell her this than be ridiculed at school by other kids.

I don't treat my daughter like sh**. I love her and will die for her...for all my kids for that matter. I don't tell her in a mean tone, "GIRL YOU STINK, GET AWAY FROM ME". OR "OMG YOU ARE NASTY AND STINKY WHAT THE IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" I am with you when you say the home should be a safe place and not a place of resentment. My point is a home should also be a place to rear and guide your child down the right path. When I tell her she stinks, or she's not fresh, I say "Baby, you gotta a lil stinky stink going on." Or babe, how bout you go get in the tub...it's nasty to walk around like that." If kids in this day and age are going to talk about a less than fortunate kid that might not have any water to take a bath or a kid whose parents are barely getting by and can ridicule them to no end. What makes you think they won't talk about a child that has the necesseities but still walks around like a stink bomb. My daughter probably has every product that American Girl makes (the line at bath&body works), but it sits unused on her dresser. She has sprays and body glitter and, yet it sits. She cries when her brothers tell her she smells, or get mad at her if they run to the bathroom and she has her used pull ups on the floor and they step on them squishing pee all over the place. She went into a slumber because the cheer squad demoted her from the top of the pryamid because as the coach put "The girls said they can't tolerate the smell". She is 10 and that was 10-12 year old girls telling her she stinks. She stayed in the girls bathroom all day because a boy told her she smells like onions, why don't you momma buy you some deoderant (she prob has all the beautiful smells). After each incident she will clean herself and her room but it lasts maybe a week. We have asked why, she doesn't like to clean her body, she says she doesn't smell it. Took her to a ENT thought maybe we was getting to the root of the problem, nothing wrong there. She can smell. She can see. She can do.
I tell her she is beautiful, take her on just mommy and her days. We go get out nails done, we go shopping for cute, frilly clothes, we go spend MOTHER & DAUGHTER TIME. I don't want to hurt her. I want her to prosper and be the best that I know she can be. I don't degrade her. I allow her, her privacy to a degree. But when I feel I need to use my parental rights, then I am going to do that. I don't hit her, I don't yell and scream obsencities to her. I try and talk to her. That's all I've been doing, and buying products she's not using.
So, what you all (dragonfly and pointblank) are saying is that maybe I should shut up and let the kids and the teachers teach her about self esteem. Because they will, but they WON'T sugarcoat it like moma or daddy. They will strip her of her self esteem and any self confidence that she has.
Am I suppose to just let her grow up or am to "TRAIN UP A CHILD IN THE WAY "SHE" SHOULD GO AND WHEN SHE IS OLD SHE WILL NOT DEPART FROM IT."
I don't want her to get older and let's say God forbid she doesn't change from her ways and she gets embarrassed by a dr, friend, classmate or whatever and try to come back to me and say why didn't you teach me these things.
Think what you want, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. But I KNOW I am not demeaning, or being a cruel, unattentive mother that does not wish my child to grow up.

P.S. My husband and I both wet the bed when we were younger so she got it honestly and we are waiting patiently for the day that she out grows it.

Ok, so yes I am a guy. My girl wanted me to read a posts on here because she thought I needed to read other womens thoughts. Nevertheless, I was going thru and seen this and read it and it is quite interesting. I thought every1 gave choco some good advise...seems like she had already tried and came here as a last resort. Now we only have what she is saying to go off of, but I didn't get where DRAGONFLY & POINTBLANK got that she was unattentive and cruel and whatever else they called her. But in my opinion I wish more moms would stress the importance of being clean from top to bottom to our young women growing up today. I commend choco for trying to instill the value of being clean and not chalking this up to it being a faze.
I use to be a teacher and could no longer do it mainly after a student of mine committed suicide because she was constantly belittled and berated. She was called everything from nasty cow, funky a**, and unfortunately I hate to say she did smell...it was a feat for me to hold my breath when I came near her. But I endured....she was a sweet girl and I don't know what her circumstances were, but she stated in her suicide letter she was tired of being talked about...which is something this mom (choco) seeems to be trying to prevent with her daughter. As a former teacher I know kids can be cruel, I've heard ALOT of things. As a man I've been with women that probably should have paid attention to the part of being fresh and clean.
All I am saying is cut her some slack. If you want your daughters to stink and send them to school because all the other kids stink, then I would call YOU the unattentive and cruel parent for sending your child out there to be picked on.
My daughter is only four but her mom is on her about being a lady and I hope she continues because I don't want my daughter to be called the stinky girl in school. Better mom and dad tell her than the kids at school because it WON'T be nice.

Alright, I voiced my opinion to insure this child was not being treated cruely by the parents and by the classmates. It sounds like you are doing everything right. My kids take baths, brush teeth, everyday because I don't want them to be the stinky kid at school. My apologies, You are a good mom and it sounds like you are being attentive.

Thank you for the apology Dragonfly, I accept.

Maybe for some reason in this day and age, we think of our children as more mature than they really are. You had a lightbulb moment when you thought of what Sourpuss said - standing over her, telling her, well, this isn't acceptable and showing her what is. They want so desparately to be treated like grown ups but have absolutely no idea what the concept entails. And we forget that and we let them have some loose rope and then they go and hang themselves! They're just children, and everything in our culture nowadays tries to negate that and tell us they have rights to this, that and the other. You know - leave her alone, she's nine, she can wash herself. Well, maybe she can't, and she needs you to be on her until she gets it through her head that not washing properly, or at all, isn't acceptable or allowed, or grown-up.

Did you get her the American Girl book about growing up and puberty? It pretty much talks all about her period coming, how to use deodorant, tampons, stay clean, etc. Its really cute.

It must be very frustrating for you to not be able to get to the root of why she doesn't seem to care about her hygiene. She'll come around. You're compassionate and loving and obviously devoted to your family, and I'm sure you'll stick with it until it gets resolved. And it will, of course. Then when she's a total high maintainence teen you can embarass her to death and remind her, when you were nine, I couldn't get you to (fill in the blank) and she'll be mortified.

I am also having the same prob with my daughter. According to the Dr and several ppl that I have talked to, it seems like it is just a "phase" that 89% of little girls go through aroung this age...
I had tried buying her "smelly" bath soaps and shampoos, but it didn't help, I stood in the bathroom and kept telling her what to wash and how to wash it, (an embarassing thing for the both of us.) I tried threatening her with taking her outside and hosing her down, only half kidding at the time.
So I took her to the family Dr, and was relieved when he told me that it is something that a lot of girls do, and it might be messy and disgusting, but the only thing to do is to keep on them about hygiene and cleanlyness.
I ended up making out a list, wash hair, wash body, brush teeth, apply deodorant, ect. And she has to check these off her list. If she lies to me about doing something, then she has to do a chore for a week. Washing dishes, (we do not have a dishwasher, so it has to be done by hand,) sweeping the floors every night and every morning. And so far, I have been doing most of the housework.
Plus, she has to do her own laundry, no matter what. I refuse to wash it anymore. And she is aware that she is the one that is going to be teased if she insists on being lazy about her hygene. Hope that this helps in some small way... T/C