I'm single and just found out I'm pregnant. Overwhelmed and don't know what to do!!!

**JustaGirl** · 05-28-2009 10:16 PM

I can't believe it... for so many reasons! I guess I am just seeking some supportive and informative words by posting here. Here's my situation:

*I'm 32 years old
*Single
*I'm a Teacher (not a big income!)
*I moved here 4 years ago, my family is far away and few friends nearby
*I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and found out during my short marriage that I would likely need fertility medication to ever get pregnant. (PFFFFT!)
*I am usually overly cautious with casual sex and selective about who I get that intimate with BUT I recently threw caution to the wind and slept with a guy I had only been on 2 dates with. On top of that I was very attracted to him and made poor judgement in the heat of the moment and we had unprotected sex. I know, I know... not so good of choices! Even worse... I totally blew that guy/connection/relationship/whatever off because after two dates I realized that there was a lot of attraction, but I couldn't be with this guy seriously. It was fun while it lasted... that was it.

SO, it's been a couple weeks and I had this funny feeling in my pelvic area that seemed like my usual period warning, but generally my period follows 2-3 days later. This has been a couple weeks so for giggles I got a pregnancy test just to be safe, though I didn't seriously think it would say anything unusual. To my SHOCK it instantly went to pregnant. I took 5 more tests and each instantly went to PREGNANT!

I am not so much afraid of having a baby as I am devastated that it is happening this way. I know, and I am always told, that I will be an amazing mom but I never envisioned doing it alone. I know there are options, but the only one for me is to keep the baby so what do I do?

Do I tell this guy about the situation, even though he may or may not step up to the plate after how things unravelled? Even if he is willing, I have to admit that this entire situation reminds me ENTIRELY of that movie Knocked Up! He's really is not in an ideal situation at all! I already decided that I couldn't date him because of his lifestyle, now what am I supposed to do?

I am SOOOOOO confused! Anyone in a similar situation? Heard of a similar situation? have FRIENDLY advice? The people I have known in the past who got pregnant unexpectedly were at least in relationships. This is not the case for me, and that really makes me kind of sad. I do also believe that everything happens for a reason and I will be responsible, but WOW, where do I start!!???

Sorry for the long post.... really just still in shock. Overwhelmed. Worried.

**sourpuss** · 05-28-2009 10:28 PM

You have to tell him. It's his baby too.
You could approach him just like you've talked here. Just tell him that you were irresponsible in the heat of the moment and oops. Maybe reassure him that you don't expect him to step up to the plate and marry you but that you are keeping the baby.

I don't know. I feel like he has every right as much as you do to be in the kid's life to the fullest extent, if that's what he wants. It's not really a situation like dating where you can choose to be with someone or not. Now you have two other lives to take into consideration....the baby's and the father's.

Have you considered adoption? Why are you hesitant to tell the father?

**sweetlee** · 05-29-2009 12:03 AM

I would vote for telling him too, even if you dont expect much of him. This might just be the thing that turns his life around and helps him make a few changes in his lifestyle. I have a (young) aunt who is pretty much in the same position. She told the guy and he told her to have an abortion - when she said she would not, he dissappeared and never contacted her since. The baby is now almost 2 and has truly enriched her mothers life. It s such a blessing, even if it is unexpected. Let us know what happens! Good luck!

**Hopeless Dork** · 05-29-2009 01:03 AM

Tell him. That way you can have the peace of mind regardless of if he steps up or not to tell your child, when he grows up that his father knew about him. If you don't, your child will blame you for his/her fathers absence... you don't want to shoulder that burden. Either way you will have done what you could do to include him, and your conscience can rest clear.

Other than the circumstances that lead to the pregnancy it sounds like you are pretty happy about having a baby, don't let the fact that it wasn't the best timing take away from the joy you are experiencing and will continue to experience. Life sometimes has a funny way of working out, not unlike some movies.... but you make the most of it.

My pregnancy was unplanned with a guy I was only casually dating, a summer fling really.. I told him, he never stepped up. My child when he asks about his father , I speak of him kindly as his father is apart of his make-up no matter his involvment or not. He's old enough to understand that sometimes things don't always work out the way we plan or would hope them to be, but that he was and is a gift to my life, every single day.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-29-2009 02:46 AM

In life, we all have transitions that we never thought of, that would happen and one has happened to you, yep a big one...

Congratulations firstly, you know you will make the best mum...

And, you've obviously made that decision.

You need to sit down and make yourself a plan.

How are you going to do this? Leave your current job move back close to family, get some work whilst they give you a hand, for instance.

Do they know? Have you broken the news to Mum yet that she is going to be a Grandma? Or too scared of the situation?

There, I say, sorry but you do have to speak to this guy because it's his child too but perhaps speak with him first before breaking the news to all, let him get it all through his head before you tell the world... See what his response is.

Don't feel guilty at all over what happened, sure you made a bad judgement, however, it's life and you probably got carried away with feeling good for a change with no inhibitions only to well find something un-expected.

At 32, you can do what you want, be who you want, shirt happens.

Have a think about all the different ways in which you can approach everyone on this and also your future as it will be even write things down and look at them.

That way you can get past the, OMG? What do I do? And, find different answers so that you know how to tackle it, all of it.

CW

**WildChild** · 05-29-2009 07:24 AM

We all have moments when we've made a poor choice but few end up with such long term results. You have to talk to him, unless he's a strung out doper or something he just might surprise you. At any right it takes two and he's the other side of this.

You have choices, it sounds like you've made one - to go ahead and have the baby and keep it. SO do it well! It's an amazing process. Get some of Ina Mae Gaskin's books and read up on pregnancy and midwifery, it's facinating. Fix up a nursery, start looking at onsies and cloth diapers. Have fun, you are going to do it, do it well. Treat this as a choice - it was. You don't have to go around saying, oh I blew it. Just say, well the time was right. You'd been told you couldn't get pregnant but you did, so in that sense the time was right and this child is a gift. You are mature enough to handle this and have a great time doing it. Children are a lot of work but they can be a wonderful experience, I had my first at 33 and she just graduated with high honors, she's amazing. It wasn't easy, my kids dad is BPD and put me through some tough stuff, you won't have that level of drama.

Look at this a adventure, a growth experience and have all the fun with it you can. Be glad you live in a time when you can choose to be a single mom with head held high.

**JustaGirl** · 05-29-2009 08:02 AM

It really is helpful to read all of your input so far, thank you so much. I literally just found out I was pregnant yesterday when I posted, so there is clearly so much to sift through, decide, and let settle. I think instantly upon finding out the news I:

*Knew I could not get an abortion. It goes against my personal beliefs.
*Knew I would have to tell the father to be respectful to him, but mostly for the baby. (just don't know how!)
*Know my family (once over the SHOCK) will be ecstatic to have a baby in the family and supportive of me and the situation

As I said before, the part that makes me sad is that I am doing this alone. The hesitation about the father is simply because we met through an online dating site, we talked a lot on the phone, we had 2 dates which were consumed by physical attraction (and clearly poor judgement), and though he was clearly not the one for me I decided just to have fun with it while it lasted.... and it lasted 2 dates. We haven't talked in weeks.

To just be blunt and for better understanding, his lifestyle was really not something I was willing to date, which is why I just had some "fun" with him and simply enjoyed our physical chemistry. He's quite the opposite of me as I have always been the good, sweet, always do what I am supposed to type and he is the bad boy type. I came to learn that he didn't have a job, lives with his grandparents, and grows/smokes/sells weed! I couldn't stick around with that even for the "fun" aspect which is why we haven't talked in weeks. Once I realized the truth, I left the situation. NOW WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO???

I have always been in long term relationships. 6 years, 3 years, 2 years... this is the first time I have been single for any extent of time. I was even married for a short time and we were TRYING to get pregnant but I couldn't! I just can't believe that THIS is the guy that I got pregnant by! The ONE time I try to let loose and just have a little fun instead of taking things so serious?? I don't even know how to explain the father situation to anyone, but I guess I have time to figure that out. Do I email him? Do I call him out of the blue? I'm sure he'll be happy to hear from me after explaining that his lifestyle wasn't something I was okay with! Ugh!

I am a Preschool Teacher and I have always loved being around children. I was really disheartened when the doctors told me that it would be difficult to have my own, but I had come to terms with that long ago. I know that everything happens for a reason and that I will be just fine, but I kind of feel like I am just having a crazy dream of some sort. Can't seem to figure out where to start in planning.

**sweetlee** · 05-29-2009 09:50 AM

haha! Its typical for the good girl to get into something like this the ONE time she lets her hair down! Shame! I'm so sorry for you. I can imagine how weird it must have to be to plan speaking to this guy again after you havent seen him for a while and after you said you dont approve of his lifestyle and then saying "well, youre the father of my child.."

All I can say is good luck! Im so glad you decided from the start to keep the baby - Its going to be such a blessing in your life.. (all initial hurdles aside)

Good luck dear!

**WildChild** · 05-29-2009 10:46 AM

My suggestion is that you arrange to talk in person. Don't be surprised if he tries to deny being the father and wants to wait until the baby is born to get a paternity test before he'll accept your word. You know you haven't been with anyone else, he doesn't know that. You never know, this just may push him into some lifestyle changes but I wouldn't count on it. One question is if he wants visitation, will you be comfortable with letting him take the baby, unsupervised?

In any case this an email just wouldn't be appropriate. It needs to be in person.

Life is full of surprises. You have a lot to assimilate and figure out. You are a sensible woman I'm sure you'll find a way to make this all work.

**Autumnbinature** · 05-29-2009 01:26 PM

you can never have enough money or be planned enough or have just the right situation. so just be happy you recieved something so wonderful. my husband and i are very low income we dont have our own home and we are happily rasing 3 beautiful intelligent children. being single sure it will be hard but at least you get to make all the decisions without an argument.