Should we try?

**lillithlix** · 11-15-2009 08:01 AM

Hi, I'm 18 and my partner is about to turn 22, and we have been thinking about trying for a baby. We've been together for 2 years and 1 month, engaged for 9 months and we're absolutely perfect together. We're not exactly in the most perfect of financial situations at the moment but we have enough to get by with a little left over.

I feel ready mentally and emotionally for having a child. My partner has said he wants to start a family with me but he's terrified of it at the same time.
My partner and I have talked about it and havent really decided one way or the other just yet.

My question is this, even though we're young, would it be a good idea to be starting a family under these circumstances? Does the age factor into it more than anything else.

I'm not a party kind of girl. I may have the occasional drink but nothing more than maybe 2 or 3 beers. I dont do drugs, but I do smoke though I'm definately going to quit once we make a decision.

I think I'm pretty responsible for my age so does age matter or is it maturity level?

**WildChild** · 11-15-2009 08:27 AM

Quit smoking, get another few years of employment under your belts. How about going to college or trade school? Do you have insurance? Could you afford to live on only one income? If you have a difficult pregnancy you won't be able to work - can you afford that?

Children are expensive, day care is expensive, if your child gets sick one of you has to be home with them and that means you lose pay any may have medical expenses too. School isn't free - at least not in the US, you will have book fees, activity fees, art fees, as they get older even more fees.

No matter how mature you are, you are younger than you think and in the next 5 to 10 years you are both going to do a lot of changing and growing. I have an 18 yr old, who has been with the same young man for over 3 years, they are both in college, good students, vegetarians, very clean living and practical young people, both have jobs - they couldn't begin to support a child.

Give yourselves time to enjoy just the two of you. Get your credit established, get some savings, get some life experience. You have at least 20 more years in which to have a child - I had mine in my mid 30s and I'm glad I waited, I was so much more mature, emotionally balanced and able to be a much better parent for waiting. There is no hurry.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-15-2009 02:42 PM

Maturity is a good thing, however, finances are a must.

You build a foundation for your children, appreciate that there are hand me downs, and assistance, but baby formula, doctors appointments, nappies are all very, very expensive..

The problem with "little left over" and a baby, means "little short" and frustration, stresses, trying to pay for the gas, because you had to get more nappies, not being able to go out, so you are at home with your child, whilst your fiancee goes out with his mates, because it's too cold for the baby to go with you and no, you can't stop him from going, just because it's a joint responsibility... would that be fair everytime?

So, if you did, that would mean he can't go out, you can't go out and you both are at home 24/7, or at least you are ,as a Mother, if he works.

The stress will break you up.

Give it another 12 months and learn to start saving. Childless means, you can both work, both enjoy life, both save and then when you do have your child, it's alot easier than the description above. Where in addition, only one person will be able to work..

CW

**lillithlix** · 11-16-2009 07:31 AM

The thing is I dont really believe that finances make a huge difference. I know that no matter what I will always have enough to get by, and I know how to make the most of what I have. I learned how to budget at a young age.

I live in New Zealand so things a quite a bit different with medical fees, school fees and the like. A lot of it is government subsidised.

My partner isn't a drinker so it's not all that likely he would go out with his mates. He's more of a sometimes visit kind of person. He'd rather spend a night in with a good book than a night out on the town.

I plan on using cloth re-usable nappies so apart from more laundry (which I actually enjoy doing) there may be a startup cost and the cost of detergents, but that would be about it.

I plan on being a stay at home mum anyway, simply because I have a medical condition which makes it extremely difficult for me to find work. I'm almost completely deaf and I have hearing aids, but many places of work are either too noisy for me to be able to hear anything or there telephone use involved, and I find that hard enough at home.
The last place that I worked I was a cashier and a customer complained that I yelled at him because I raised my voice a little to be heard over some background noise. It makes life difficult at times.

I'm quite a stress free person and I love children. I did babysitting for a family for some time and babysat my brother whenever needed. Living with my mother, who has bi-polar, I've learned how to keep my stress levels to a minimum to keep from becoming an emotional wreck. I know how to plan, to get things done, and when to let things go and not worry about things I have no control over. It's worked well enough for me so far.

Im blabbering on. I should really stop now. I keep going through all the pro's and con's in my head and they all end up cancelling each other out so I end up unsure which way I should go. I guess I'll figure it out one day.

**WildChild** · 11-16-2009 08:01 AM

You are young and waiting a few years will do no harm. Why not just take a some more time for the two of you to enjoy just being a couple. No matter what children are more expensive than you think.

**lullaby Mom** · 11-16-2009 03:37 PM

So every one has said wait a few year and that babies cost a lot, so I won't say that.
It almost sounds like you have your mind made up. You just need the assurance that it is right. My husband and I started off right away and I wouldn't have changed that in a minute. How ever we have had are struggles. Because of religious beliefs I believe a family is the most important thing and should not be put off. Just remember that once you decide to have them their is no turning back. I know that I didn't say yes or no to weather you should. You and your partner need to keep talking with each other. The time will come when you know that it is right.

**jnd2009** · 11-16-2009 10:32 PM

Hey, I'm 22, I have been with my boyfriend (who just turned 25) for almost 5 years. I won't lie, I have been wanting kids for as long as I can remember. I always said if we ever got pregnant I'd keep it and we'd try our best. Well, no pregnancies yet. As much as I want kids, I know it's best to wait. Save money, enjoy your wedding, just you and your man. Focus on building you two, then start a family after. If you want to be around kids that much now- find more children to babysit, maybe help out at a daycare, maybe nanny? I know they won't be your own, but you can get your "kid fixation" for now. I know you said some jobs are hard for you, but maybe one of those will work for the time being? I think the wait will be worth it. Spend time with your fiance, enjoy the quiet nights at home that you won't have once the kids come!

**lillithlix** · 11-24-2009 03:31 AM

Thanks everyone for your replies. I think I've come to a decision, kind of. If it happens it happnes, if it doesnt it doesnt. I guess it just means I wont stress over every period wondering if somethings wrong with me, or stress if my period doesnt come. I'll just deal with it.

Doesnt sound like much of a decision when I write it down but it has eased my mind a bit. I'm not constantly stressing over what I should do. Now I'm just going to wait and see.

Thanks again.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-24-2009 04:06 AM

People will go with age, but I will go with gut...

You've had to deal with alot in your life already, deafness, bi-polar mother, your grounded and somehow you will cope..

In the oldern days, only one person worked and everyone struggled and if need be it was bread and water prepare for the worse and prepare for the best and get yourself going if you need to go back to work..

I Think somehow your an exception as you map things and work things..

Best wishes to you, just know the downsides before you even go there, which I think you do..

CW

**lillithlix** · 12-16-2009 12:59 AM

Well just a little update on the situation. It seems that fate took the decision out of my hands and that one pill that I missed ended up being very important.

I'm 5 weeks pregnant.

It actually came as quite a shock because I just wasnt expecting it quite now but we are managing it quite well.
We're moving out early next month to our own place.
I havent contacted a midwife yet but I'm going to soon, before Christmas.
I've broken the news to most of my family and all of my partners family. His family is thrilled, so far my family has been a little less than.

We're doing well with it I think.

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