unplanned pregnancy with all the expected uncertainties

**twindilemma** · 12-07-2009 04:26 PM

I'm almost eight months pregnant with twins and have been going through the motions (and emotions) that I imagine many single women experience. I became pregnant after having "safe" sex with a guy whom I'd know for some time as an acquaintance but with whom there was only a casual interest on his part. For my part, I was crazy about him.

His initial reaction was mixed but ultimately we both agreed we did everything we could to prevent the pregnancy (except for the obvious choice of not having sex), and he seemed to accept the situation fairly well and began working towards developing a relationship with me. He moved from one city to another to be with me and be supportive and we are currently living together.

It seemed for a time that he wanted to work towards an actual relationship, and I met his family under this impression. However, when he returned from visiting his family ( I came back earlier because of work) things quickly deteriorated. Whether from my admitted emotional instability and insecurities during my pregnancy or from his cold feet (his return marked his moving in with me) , things quickly deteriorated.

Before we visited his family, my inquiry into our "relationship status" yielded his response of "yes, we're in a relationship, but with some nuances" to after his return response of "we're more than friends but not in a relationship".

I responded by telling him that if we weren't in a relationship then I wanted our "super-friendship" to be platonic. Of course it was more drawn out and messy than that, but basically that's the crux of the conversation.

I also told him I didn't want him living with me after the babies are born if we're not together. He was fine with this. I changed my mind after some discussions with my mom and questions over my own selfishness and ultimately asked him to live with me afterwards.

So where we stand now is a platonic "relationship" but we're living together and sleeping in the same bed, and we plan to live together after the babies come. He is quick to remind me that after some months(he won't say how many) the situation will change and he will go back to his life and making decisions independently of me. I know that I'll need the help with twins as I have to work (I am the primary financial support for the babies and haven't asked him to contribute at this point).

My dilemma is this: do I continue to live with this man and accept what he offers as long as he offers it, or follow my heart (and my pride) and strike out on my own. I'm concerned that not living with him will alienate a man who is very willing to be involved with his children and make his less likely to be fully present, but at the same time I feel like the straightest road to follow is the one I will ultimately find myself on anyhow: single parenthood. I know the transition down the line will be difficult for me once I'm used to his presence and help- but is it better for the babies to be accustomed from day one to not have their daddy living with them or is just better for me?

Also, I don't know how long two people can live together under these circumstances. I can't and don't expect him to stop living his life, but at the same time, it will be difficult for me to be present when he decides to date and move on, and I will quite likely not be in the position to do the same.

I feel like many of these dilemmas stem from having twins. If I were just having one, I would feel more than competent to tackle this independently.

**the wench** · 12-07-2009 04:40 PM

ahhhh what a tricky position to be in at such an emotional time.
if it was me i would just go it alone from day 1 instead of getting used to the living situation and then for him 1 day to up and leave at the slightest intrest from a piece of skirt!
he isnt worth it if he isnt going to stick by you in everyway....cake and eat it springs 2 mind.
good luck with what you decide and good luck and congrats with the twins

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-07-2009 04:57 PM

You weren't together as in "knowing each other's inner thoughts, and wanting to be together, other than sexually when you met"..

I think he's tried and trying and it's to be commended in a way.. He's not there to just have sex, rather to help you through your pregnancy and then with your children together and one day, he intends to live his own life, but with the children as part of it.

I think you are very lucky and that you are seeing things in-correctly, that being that you are "trying" to make it into a relationship.

If you don't try, it might actually happen. How about just letting him be him and you be you and live together for now and make it fun, exciting, the birth of your babies, all about your babies and "friendship".

Friendships can turn into relationships.

Hassling someone over being in one, when they weren't there to start with drives them further away.

And, as your 8 months pregnant, and he has stood by you and intends to initially after the birth, that's something to admire in him.

Just see it from different eyes, his... And, just enjoy the time you have as parents, future parents for now and be that friend, see where it leads you.

He's not really giving false promises, he is probably confused himself, but as I said, constantly giving him ultimatives and challenging him, is going to drive him away anyway.

It's too late to say, what you should have done.. You already moved past that, look at what you should do.

Good luck, it's an exiting time for you both enjoy it.

CW

**sperosi** · 12-08-2009 11:27 AM

dont give ultimatums unless you are really willing to accept and live with the less desirable answer. he did make a big change to come and help you out, moving to another city etc.

guys thinks about things differently and i do think he made a big gesture in doing that. he may have felt a little awkward with his family and how this all came to be. if you push things, he may just say enough. most guys dont like drama and will look to take an easier way out.

things may change in a few months, but maybe for the better. he is probably confused about the feelings he has for you. give it some time, he will fall in love with his kids, and could very well fall for you at the same time. i wouldnt be in such a rush to cut the rope before it needs to be cut.

**jnd2009** · 12-08-2009 11:58 AM

Although he may not stay in a relationship with you, there are still two kids that deserve to have Daddy around, or at least in their life. If he does decide to go his own way after a while, don't let him think he's completely off the chain. He's just as responsible for the little ones as you are, loving and financially. Tough situation, sorry I can't be of anymore help.

**twindilemma** · 12-12-2009 06:42 AM

Thanks for all your feedback. There is certainly a great deal of truth in all your responses. I know that pressing the relationship issue did push him away to a certain extent, but it was only after several months of me being extremely guarded and him uncertain as to whether I wanted him around at all did I let him know my real feelings. I didn't really push all that much, which makes me believe that this was not so much about me pushing him, but me having any expectations at all. I think not just the pressure he feels from me, but the pressure from family and friends and "society" to man up has convinced him that he's not going to be in a relationship with me because it wasn't his idea from the beginning. No matter that he says we have more in common that he did with his last girlfriend, or that he enjoys living with me, albeit under forced circumstances - none of it matters, and none of it will change his mind.

He will leave at some point to assert his independence, and him constantly reminding me of it makes even a true friendship difficult to build. Also, I think he is looking for problems to blame for his eventual departure. I know this isn't what his family expects of him, and I think he's inclined to maintain the appearance that we're a couple so that he can later say he tried.

He is a wonderful person regardless, and I know for a fact how lucky I am to have him in my life. I just don't know if it's wise for me to have him so much in my life that I can't move on and be open to someone who wants to truly be with me and support me.

He is warm and caring towards me, but it is not the warmth and caring that a relationship, or even a true friendship brings, and I can't even see how we can have a real friendship with all these barriers between us. Living together just seems to throw all these realities that I cannot change in my face and makes optimism for the future a difficult proposition. It also makes it almost impossible for me to be open to someone with whom I can find the things I want most right now. Who would want to get involved in a relationship with me when I tell them I'm living with my babies' father and that we share a bed, even if it's just as brother & sister. Since he's not looking for a relationship at the moment, living together doesn't present the same issues, and he will simply move out when that time comes...

**cookiemonster** · 12-12-2009 09:30 PM

If he is willing to be there for you and your twins then let him be. Alot of guys now a days actually want to be a part of their kids life which is better than the dead beat dad perspective too many guys have adopted. If you two were friends in the first place then stay that way. Even friends can have kids together, and even if you will be a single mom, if he's living his life and doing things independently of you then I don't see anything wrong with you living your life and doing things independently of him either. Single moms can still have fun and still date, who knows, you could find the right guy for you next week lol But congrats on the twins =) I'm jealous, im trying to get pregnant and would love twins. good luck with your situation and just be as open as your hormones will let you lol if he's still there right now theres nothing saying he wont be in the future as well. i say stop worrying about if you're in a "relationship" in the sense you're thinking and just worry about the two of you taking care of your beautiful twins because you'll always have that relationship.

**twindilemma** · 12-13-2009 07:13 PM

Thanks! I need all the positive energy I can get! I hope things are just more difficult right now because I'm a pregnant lady with a temperamental emotional state! I'll do my best to hold out for a few months post-partum and reevaluate the situation then!

**twindilemma** · 02-03-2010 10:09 PM

Update:

It's been a month since we had our baby boys and life is better in every way: we are both so focused and in love with our boys that we are both happy with our "family" and neither wants to upset the balance yet at the same time we both have our own agenda and expectations.

We moved into a larger, three bedroom place. I told him from the beginning that there would be a room for each of us and one for the babies. He proceeded to turn his "room" into an office and continued sharing a bed with me, albeit the bed is all we share. He has never made an advance towards me and is what I would call "brotherly". I've encouraged him on a few occasions to move into the office and he insists that he's happy with the way things are and that he's not looking for anything, however he's also very specific about not wanting a relationship because it might not work out and that would adversely affect the babies.

Prior to the babies birth, we had an argument about finances. I am the sole financial support for our family, and do very well financially. Because his income is a fraction of mine, he was offended when I asked him to help with rent- he stated that it wasn't fair when his income is so sporadic and that if I asked him to help with rent it would effectively leave me with control over most of his income. He also said that he felt it was his right to travel and do other things and that he wasn't going to give that up to pay rent. I've agreed to this, wanting to give him his freedom and because the money is really not a huge issue for me. I also agreed because I honestly wouldn't mind it if we were actually a couple and a real family.

Recently, however, I've discovered that trips he took to Europe in October, November, and a trip to Mexico coming up in March are all with a girl he dated in the past and with whom he has a "thing". Basically, I'm subsidizing his hook-ups since he has money to travel since he lives expense-free on my generosity. He's stated that since he wasn't ready to settle down that it's not something that changes overnight and that it's just a flirtation with this girl but that he cares very much about me.

We had a discussion several months ago were I told him that I didn't want to know about any indiscretions on his part, and he's referred back to this when I expressed my anger with the current situation. He said this is what I agreed too. I was very specific however, that I wasn't going to share a bed with him if he's sleeping with other people.

My dillema is that originally I agreed to us seeing other people as long as we are roommates and living in separate rooms. I realize now the impossibility of this. I want to be altruistic and open-minded to this man who is an amazing father and a wonderful person; though simply not ready to settle down and certainly not with me. I want to accept this for my babies' sake, but it's eating away at me, and destroying the contentment and happiness I felt just a few days before when I was oblivious to all this. I guess I was so hopeful, things seemed to be going so well and I would say he's even loving towards me and content with our family and he definitely doesn't want things to change.

So is this a man who's trying his best and needs my understanding, or am I a fool?

**sourpuss** · 02-04-2010 10:35 AM

I don't know. I feel like if he does in fact mean what he says then he should have his own room and pay his share or at least his expenses as well as help out with the babies.

As it is right now, it's like he's using the excuse of 'doing the right thing for the babies' as a means to get a free ride from you. It seems fishy to me.

If he said before this all happened and you went ahead with it anyway. In my opinion, he doesn't owe you child support. (just my opinion) But what I don't understand is why does he have to live off of you to be a part of their life? He was up front about not wanting a relationship, fair enough...at least he was honest. But if he's only there for the kids, then there's nothing saying he can't be there for him....at his own apartment. Divorced couples do it all the time.