Karma?!
Okay so this is my dilemma. Well everyone that has read anything from me on here knows that I am trying to have a baby. So far its been well over a year with unprotected sex and probably about 6 to 7 months of trying on the right days. Still nothing and its hard to keep my spirits up sometimes. Well I know, I know that it can take some people a lot longer then others to conceive. Anyways- to my point. I have this almost sinking feeling that its my bad karma that is one of my problems. Does anyone believe in karma?
Im not 100% sold that I believe in it. However I have this burning need to get something off of my chest. Here goes. About 6.5 years ago I was with my ex boyfriend, going through hard times. We had broken up because he cheated ( blah, blah ) but had hooked up afterwards. Now I dont really know exactly why I did this but I lied to his friends and mine and said that I had had a miscarriage to his baby. I think maybe it may have been to gain the attention from the breakup. The thing is Im not one to lie, matter of fact I HATE liars!! What really eats me up is that the lie got bigger and bigger and even my mother believes that I have had this dramatic thing happen to me. It makes me sick. I wish I could have just undo it all but it was way out of hand. Some people will read this and think that its no big deal, but it is to me. I feel like I am being punished by not being able to have a baby because I lied about something that is so awful. I am just hoping that by talking about this ( I have never told anyone ) that I will feel a bit of relief and feel not so guilty. You think its my karma?
Yes, I believe in Karma. No, I don't think you're being punished. Karma happens in the next life. Think of all the horrible people out there who do awful things, many, many of them have kids. You made a mistake, that got away from you and blew up into something big. You've learned from it and you're a good person.
A baby will come eventually, just be patient. Stress will only make it worse. In the mean time, just enjoy your husband and all the sex you get to have.
I don't about karma happening in the next life. We are punished BY our actions not for them. Some things bite us in the butt right away, others are a longer term thing but if you learn from it and correct your behavior and if needed, take steps to correct any damage you have caused, then you should be done with it. Karma isn't a ledger sheet or a big daddy is going to spank you kind of thing. We are here to learn and grow, when we don't learn, the lessons get harder and some of them can take many lifecycles to sink in. Some beings never learn, they get stuck and they live with the results of that.
You engaged in a negative, manipulative behavior. One that, if someone else did it, you would dissaprove of strongly. You have two options on that, one is to own up and explain what happened and deal with the fall out, the other is to spend the rest of your life with people relating to you based on the assumption that you had a high drama response to a miscarriage. Either way you have fall out to deal with. Only you can decide what to do with that. But my understanding is that, that is the result, the "karma" if you will, of the situtation.
Physically this has nothing to do with an inability to conceive. However the mind is a far more powerful than we give credit for and that may be a factor. Some of us have more specific control there but our mind can/does play a role in all that happens in our bodies. I've consciously changed when in the moon cycle my period occurred, just by telling my body to. If you hold a strong belief that you are being punished then that stress May be a factor, or not. There are plenty of physical reasons why pregnancy doesn't occur. Have you both seen a doctor to make sure all the plumbing is in order?
We can only learn to love by loving. - Iris Mudoch, British writer
We have not seen a dr. yet but that is our next step. We were trying to just do the "lets just do it when we want and see what happens" method but I am getting concerned. He isn't. I am. I just had to get some of this out. I always have it at the back of my mind esp when I take a test and its negative. Ya know kinda like "that's what you get". Which inevitably sets me up for failure next time. I THINK my biggest problem is stress. But then again who knows? Just hoping that maybe by dealing a little with my emotional issue with my awful, embarrassing lie would maybe help soothe me and lower my stress levels.
When I was younger and started this lie I was completely unbalanced and a complete wreck. I had a best friend pass away and was clinically depressed and suicidal. I am not making an excuse for why I did this, I am simply trying to express that I am not the kind of person who would normally do something like this. I have thought several times about screaming from the mountain tops that I had lied and just getting it over with. I decided not to because #1 didn't want to deal with the repercussions and #2 no one hardly ever brings this up anymore. Why open up this can of worms when I am the only one who has the issue?
I think if you work on others areas of your life that you want to improve and put your focus on being positive and healthy, the baby thing may just take care of itself. Focusing and stressing on it is only going to make things worse.
It sounds like there are some things you need to work on and why not make those better before you get pregnant so when you finally do, you will have a happier, healthier mind?
Well the only thing I really feel I have to work on is dealing with my mind. lol.
Honestly I feel a thousand times better that I got this out. Even though it wasn't technically out loud. I feel like addressing it publicly and just being able to talk about it sets my mind at ease. And I thank you very much for your caring responses.
Sincerely!
Everyone makes mistakes in our lives, tells occasional lies, and sometimes those lies get blown completely out of proportion, as in your situation. If everyone who had an abortion, trapped a lover by getting pregnant, lied about being pregnant, or having a miscarriage got payback through bad karma there would be many more childless people in this world.
I am not saying any of those things are right but it sounds like you are truly sorry for what you did. Telling the people who care about you at this point will only make you feel better, not them. Next time someone brings it up simply say you don't want to talk about it.
In regards to trying to have a baby it sounds like seeing a doctor and getting some professional advice might make you feel a little better. Good luck!
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