Keep it? Rid of it? Adopt it?

**EmsiWemsi** · 01-22-2011 08:53 AM

Hey all

I'm from the UK so there might be some barriers in information compared to the US, It doesnt really matter, all I want is advice, opinions but really.. a friend.

I'm a 20 year old undergrad student doing Education. I've just found out I'm 7 weeks pregnant. Just what I really wanted at this age!!

Ok so I'll tell you a bit about my past that makes me question the whole situation.
- In September 2010, at the age of 19, I had an ectopic pregnancy. I had key hole surgery to remove my right ovary and fallopian tube. My boyfriend didnt care at the time and he glad the baby didnt survive.
- In November 2010, I was diagnosed with depression ever since my op. I was devastated to be honest.
- On New Year's eve, me and my boyfriend split up and are no longer together after 2 really good years.

I've told my mum, dad and my ex about the fact i'm pregnant. But im in a huge hole.
- My mum says it's my choice what I do (But i know for a fact she will not be there for me once the baby is born as she's busy with her own life and my two little brothers, who are now 8 and 10)
- My dad says he will be there for support, but the best option is to terminate as i do not have financial neither emotional support from anyone.
- My ex is against the whole idea. He wants rid and he wants fast.

So really, what am i going to do?

If i carry on with the pregnancy, i wont have any financial support, most probably no where to live either.

If i get rid of the baby what are my chances of concieving again? Since my ectopic my dr's told me i have 30% chance of concieving naturally, but I've heard with the abortion pill that the chances of getting pregnant is slimmer again. In addition, I would feel very guilty about the whole process and most probably end up back on depression meds.

If i choose to give it up for adoption, which is not in my intention, i dont think i could give my own flesh and blood away. I would feel so guilty.

Can anyone give me some advice?

Many thanks

**stressed** · 01-22-2011 09:10 AM

I can tell you that much: Considering that you'll have no support from your parents or ex, you'll have to raise this baby alone. You won't be able to complete your studies or find a job to support you and the baby. Your parents already have 2 small children to take care of and your ex doesn't seem to care. You'll spend the rest of your life raising this baby under difficult circumstances, alone. You'll also have difficulties finding a new partner as he'd have to accept a baby (it's even hard for men in your situation to find new partners, even if they older and have older children).

Only a doctor can give you an answer as to whether you can conceive again, as every medical case is different. Even if it won't be possible within the next year, maybe it will be in 5, 10 or 15 years.

Is your small chances of future conception that make you want to keep the baby? Or do you want it regardless of that?

I also don't know what's the legal age of the fetus that would allow termination in UK.

**EmsiWemsi** · 01-22-2011 09:14 AM

Thankyou. Well I have until monday to decide what to do really then the doctor needs to book my abortion. And abortion is legal up to 24 weeks x

**WildChild** · 01-22-2011 09:23 AM

I feel very sorry for you being in this situation but this is really a choice that only you can make. You need to talk with your doctor about your concerns over being able to conceive in the future. At this point in time termination is a fairly easy process. If you will end up pregnant and homeless or with a child and homeless, I really don't see what kind of options you have. You can feel that you are not willing to have the baby adopted but if you cannot support it or yourself that is a rather selfish attitude. There are many loving people who are able to support a child and are eager to adopt a healthy child.

Very somply you are going to have to get past all this stuff about guilt and look at what is best for you and for the child if you chose to continue the pregnancy.

This is the second pregnancy you've had with this young man, you do need to re-examine what you are using for conception control once you get through this.

**Little.Chuck** · 01-22-2011 09:26 AM

Hmmm.. This is a difficult situation for you. I would sit and think about this for a while and weigh up every option in detail before I made a decision. As you are here in the UK, as a single mum and also not earning much money, you would be entitled to Child Benifit and very likely free childcare so you can continue to study. You would also be able to get a house or flat and receive Housing Benifit. It all really comes down to whether or not you want the baby.

**jns** · 01-22-2011 09:47 AM

Originally Posted by EmsiWemsi

Thankyou. Well I have until monday to decide what to do really then the doctor needs to book my abortion. And abortion is legal up to 24 weeks x

Do not let this doctor rush you into a decision. If 24 weeks is the cutoff, why do you have to have a decision at 8 weeks? If he booked it, at what week would it be done? It sounds like he is trying to influence your decision, I wonder why?

Is it possible to find a family for adoption before the time runs out and sign a contract? One in which you could have maybe once a year visitation rights? Why is it OK to throw away, in abortion, your own flesh and blood, but not sign over your own flesh and blood to a loving family who will raise the child correctly? If you have the baby, will your ex be willing to sign papers to terminate his rights? Or is he going to play control games to try to influence your decision?

**Dragongiraffe** · 01-22-2011 09:56 AM

Hi you
I live in the UK and can tell you too, there is help available for you to continue with your studies, help for housing and money too. So, it all comes down to the question what YOU really want. Weigh the pro and con's up, consider your feelings too. As you are worried you may not be able to conceive again, think carefully about this. As regards to a new man having to "accept" your child...he's not much of a man if that is a problem, in my opinion anyways. I wish that you will be happy with whatever decision you make, and would like to think you will always find someone to talk here. If you like, you can contact me any time ! I truly mean that. It's a shame that your mum (of all people) won't support you and help out. As I am not a religious person, I can't say things like "I pray for you", but I can tell you, that I will be thinking about you. Please let me know if I can help in any other way and truly feel free to contact me !
Love
Anja x

**EmsiWemsi** · 01-22-2011 10:14 AM

Wild child - I've been on the birth control pill ever since I was 12. It is 98% effective. I've been precise with my pill everyday for the past 8 years. But as my doctor said, i was the unlucky 1%. I dont know how. But one contribute is the fact I was using Alli diet pill. The fact it happened again, I was on anti depressant tablets which could have canceled my BC. I dont see how though, because why would my dr prescribe me meds to reduce the efficiency of my BC?

Little Chuck - I'm not the sort of person to be a bit skivvy off the government and get everything on my plate for nothing. Im at uni and i would like to support the baby by getting a job, do you get me?

Jns - The doctor said it's best for me to have the abortion early to avoid any difficulties and how i would cope with my emotions due to my recent depression.

Dragongiraffe - Thankyou for very kind words

I would like to thank you all really. Each and everyone of you have made me see a bit clearer about the situation

**Little.Chuck** · 01-22-2011 10:43 AM

Originally Posted by EmsiWemsi

Little Chuck - I'm not the sort of person to be a bit skivvy off the government and get everything on my plate for nothing. Im at uni and i would like to support the baby by getting a job, do you get me?

I am glad to hear it. Too many people get away with it in the UK. What I meant was, use the benefits you are entitled to whilst you are getting yourself on your feet. Once you have qualified, get yourself a job, and begin to pay your own way. There is nothing wrong with using the help we have here if you need it.

**auntie_awesome** · 01-22-2011 11:20 AM

If you aren't already, make an appointment with a counselor. Female preferably. Or if they have something like Planned Parenthood overseas, go make an appointment and discuss all of your options.

You say you'll feel guilty if you give the baby up for adoption...if so, why is abortion even ON the table? I'm totally 100% pro-choice, but I feel like if you can't consider adoption, they in the world would you consider abortion? I'm not saying you should have this child. You may have goals and hopes for your future a child just doesn't fit into right now, and it looks like you won't have much, if any, support. With adoption, you can give a child to a couple who is hoping with all of their heart to raise a baby.

I really think you need to discuss this with someone besides your GP. A college counselor, a family planning counselor...someone who can give you all of your options, and who can, if you decide to keep the baby...help you create a plan for you and your child and the future. I'm sorry you are in such a confusing and emotional situation.

And just a note, you mentioned not wanting to skiv off the government....but I'm going to tell you...we were DIRT poor growing up and my parents said the same thing. If you have this child, and want to finish your degree and need help from the government...take it. You owe it to your baby to ensure you have a place to live, food, diapers, milk and anything else they will help you with. I know some people look down on it in every country, but it's there for a reason.

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