my wife is pregnant, depressed and is talking about terminating

**1sttimedad** · 04-22-2011 07:48 AM

here is my situation:

i am 30, in my second year of medical school, and i have been married for almost 3 years, together almost 6. my wife is a bit younger, 27.

for the past several months, we had been talking about having a child, and i told her that i would be ready when she is, but that i did not want her to feel any pressure from me, since i was in no hurry. we agreed that ideally we would wait until i finish school, so i would have an income and be a bit more stable.

but, she started getting really into it, and buying pregnancy books. then one day a few weeks ago i came home and she said "i'm pregnant." now as far as i knew she was on the pill, but i came to find out she stopped taking it without telling me. so, i was surprised, terrified, thrilled, all those usual emotions, but most of all happy and wanting to celebrate with her. and she was happy too. we would lie in bed and i would rub her belly, talk about names, talk about the future, all that good stuff. she gave up smoking and started taking folic acid, and everything seemed great.

then, all of a sudden, she starts feeling terribly depressed. she becomes afraid that she will feel sick and sad for the whole pregnancy, and then, since she is at higher risk for post-partum, she feels trapped, like she is looking at years of depression and therapy. she feels she is losing herself, she doesn't want her body to change, doesn't want to be stuck with a child. the depression has become so severe that she says she has suicidal thoughts and wants to have an abortion, then wait a few years to get pregnant again.

i try to remind her how happy she was at first, and how it was her call in the first place to stop the pill, but she can't see it. she really looks down on mental health assistance, does not want to be on meds for depression and doesn't think therapy can help her feel better. i try to tell her that she may not stay depressed for so long, that it is just hormones, and it will get easier, but to no avail.

now we are in a situation where if she has the baby, i am afraid she will resent it and me, but if she terminates, i don't know if i can ever look at her the same again. i am also afraid she will regret it. i think it has the potential to destroy the marriage.

before you respond, keep in mind that i am very pro-choice, and do not think it is anybody's place to tell a woman what to do with her body. and i realize that the thing to do here is to get her in therapy asap.

i guess what i am looking for is other stories. has anyone been though anything like this? what did you do?

**WildChild** · 04-22-2011 07:57 AM

Wow, this is a toughie. She leaped before she really looked and it was wrong to do this without the two of you planning. I agree that she should talk to a counselor to help her sort this out and fast. Women who are depressed before or during pregnancy are more likely to suffer from depression after delivery and that can last for years. Do you want a child that is being raised by a depressed mother?

**miffed23** · 04-22-2011 02:03 PM

I would recommend sorting out a way in which she can talk to women who have been through the same thing, there have got to be relaxed social groups about that specialise in this? I would also suggest getting her to tell her midwife how she is feeling, they are super tuned in to every negative emotion that women go through and are well educated in how to rectify these emotions.

You are doing all that you can by being there for her, keeping positive. I think its important to remind her that she is not trapped, there are many options. Best of luck, i really feel for your situation.

**WildChild** · 04-22-2011 02:36 PM

If she does decide that she really cannot go through with this, you need to be as supportive as you can. The chemical effects of depression in her body and brain will affect the chemical levels in the developing fetus and I think if you do some research you will find that there is growing evidence that this affects the children's personality and development.

**1sttimedad** · 04-22-2011 06:57 PM

thank you very much for your replies.

you are correct wildchild that the available research does seem to indicate that depression during pregnancy can have real effects on a developing fetus, which can be measurable in a newborn. i wish there was a lot more research, and maybe as a future physician i can contribute to this. miffed23 i am looking for, and hope to find, some kind of support group for pregnant women (and their partners) near where i live. as for a midwife, i am not sure how open my wife is to that, but i have brought it up and will ask her a bit more about her feelings about that.

i must say that it is surprising and frustrating how little peer-reviewed research is available on pregnancy, from the mental health perspective at least (depression, medication, etc.).

i am trying as hard as i can to be there for my wife, whom i love deeply. it is very difficult at times, if i am honest, because she can be particularly cruel to me. but i know deep down it's not really her, although when i tell her that she finds it very condescending, which i can understand.

we seem to be able to reach an understanding when we sit and talk, but then it's only temporary. soon enough she becomes "drunk with hormones," and feels all those terrible fears and anxieties again. i apologize for this turn of phrase but it seems to me to be a pretty accurate description.

we went to a psychiatrist today who prescribed lexapro. i am now trying to research what the risks are, but as i said, there is a real dearth of information out there. my wife feels humiliated to be prescribed such a drug and does not want to take it. at the mental health clinic there were some really unwell people milling around, which did not help her state of mind. i feel like, if it makes her feel better, then it is worth the risk, but that could be a foolish perspective, since there is very little documentation on the effects of anti-depressants on developing fetuses.

more than anything i am excited, and wish i could share that with my wife. she is beautiful, and i know we will have beautiful, wonderful babies. i really hope we will be able to get through the pregnancy.

anyways, thanks again to anyone still reading. any thoughts and comments are welcome indeed.

**WildChild** · 04-22-2011 11:58 PM

According to what I was reading recently by Dr Christiane Northup, depression is not a normal human condition. 80% of people on antidepressants have a recurrence within 3 years of stopping medication. She points out that it is often treated almost as if people had a "prozac deficiency" and goes on to explain that there is a "very significant placebo effect" with antidepressants.

"Depression is a consequence of how we live our lives. To get over it, we must be willing to make some changes that will support healthy brain biochemistry."

Odd as this source may sound, you might get a copy of, The Wisdom of Menopause, and read chapter 10, Nurturing your brain.

I know she has written other books which may be more pertinate over all, this just happens to the one I've read most recently and most fresh in my mind.