Thread: I really wasn't sure where to put this, I need advice please

Thank you everyone, my mind is more at ease and I hope because of that I will be able to put hers slightly more at ease as well.
caterpillar79: you are totally right, I always jump into the "there is a 'problem', now how do I fix it?" mode. I was and am going to do exactly as you said, listen, comprehend, and show support. I just wasn't sure if that would be enough, I didn't want her to feel alone and isolated if I didn't do enough.

Thank you everyone, I will update when I can.

Originally Posted by shenner

....I just wasn't sure if that would be enough, I didn't want her to feel alone and isolated if I didn't do enough.....

For most women, your active way of listening coupled with a loving hug afterward, is good enough. Most likely, when we share out thoughts and feelings, we do not need advise. We just want to hear our own voices and be heard, it clears up our clouded minds and helps us find our resolve eventually.

As I said this is complicated and more than just the topic at hand, our relationship together has been rocky because of her 'big mouth" ex in her life. Without going into pages of detail, it came out this past weekend that she had slept with him early on into our relationship once, and that last week when we were on a break so she could 'figure out her life' (it was more to figure out our relationship and if she had feelings for her ex, she didnt say that but i knew), and we're still on a break in a way, she slept with him again. There are so many details, but that is the key points, this is the huge fight we were just in this past weekend. Every fight we have ever had involved her ex. She always fought it, but now says the fights were justified and I was in the right.

Anyways, while I have been out of town since, we have been texting and trying to figure things out. I love her, and want to stay with her so that's where the each of us are at. I told her today that I wanted to play the friend game again, we weren't friends before we dated, so I want to build that before we get into anything serious. Let the romantic relationship fall into place if that's what comes out of our 'new' friendship. As far as being confrontational with people I love, I am a slight pacifist, I never want to hurt a person and never want to drag out fights, infact I do my absolute best to never get in a position a fight could happen, but I also don't let people drag me through mud and walk all over me. Ok, i've said enough I could talk about this for a long time!

So, today I drove home a few days early, we had been texting all morning/last night, and were really working through it. She was by herself in her office today and I went by. We had already talked about her cheating and everything so I didn't push that on her again. We talked casually about us, she would subtly say things that could lead into her telling me about the abortion. In not so many ways she did, and I think it was exactly what she needed to get out. She never told me about it exactly, more so the surrounding details. This guy and her dated at the end of highschool and 1.5 years afterwards. i knew before, that he had cheated on her with 5 (five) separate girls. She still talked/ very infrequently saw him, which I found weird, but at the same time she said she didnt have any contact with him for a long time after they had broken up, then before he left for Afghanistan she went to his going away party, then he got injured semi-seriously and she realized he could have died and thus when he got home she tried to make amends. Basically, when she got pregnant, was when he came clean about cheating, this was June 2009, the abortion happened in July. Her parents knew about it, I'm unsure whether his did though.

I didn't push any further, I could tell she was uncomfortable but tried to hide it. We talked a lot more, mostly about randomness to lighten the mood from everything that had happened. I left her office.

Again, it's a long story, but on Monday I said (in a 100% caring way) that maybe she should talk to a professional, that myself and her friends can only do so much before someone trained is needed. She took that very hard, but considering what she has done (more than I've mentioned here, and it was before we knew each other) and what she has gone through, I truly thought it would help. From what I just recently found out, it in my eyes seemed like she was punishing herself for the abortion, and at times it would seem she had little to no guilt. After the abortion/ breakup/ she was cheated on, she slept with a lot of her guy friends which has left a wake of drama and loss of a lot of friendships.
We texted all evening tongiht, and it actually reminded me of how we were at the beginning of dating, before I could say it she said she missed "this". I said we really were good together werent we, and said maybe focusing on friendship for now was best.
After being on a break, then finding out about her cheating, it basically pushed us into a full breakup this week. Her parents told her yesterday they wanted to have a sit down with her tonight and talk about her life basically. When I talked to her at her office she didn't know what to think, she thought it was going to be essentially attacking her, saying she has to get her together. She has student loans that arent really getting paid off, she told them everything about why we broke up (including her cheating) so she thought they would talk to her about that, she doesnt get along well with her mother, she is the oldest of 3 girls and her middle sister and her are basically always pissed at one another. It turned out to be a good talk, she went to her parents with a financial plan which they approved of, and they worked out the other details.

She called me right after, telling me what happened and what was discussed. I know she couldnt really find a way to say it on the phone, but after i hung up she sent me a BBM saying she had decided to talk to a councilor. I basically said I was happy for her and supported her totally, and that I would be here for anything. She said she kept reading over my email from monday (it was about 10 paragraphs basically explaining how I cared about her, but was worried for her. Except for the night I found out, I never really got mad about the news she had cheated on me, so the email was from the heart concern for her) and she said at first it pissed her off, but she read it again a couple days ago, and then again it sort of sank in when today i went to see her and she truly saw I cared and she read it again after i left. she told me that after her and the "father" broke up, that she was trying to please everyone (her family) for the abortion, and that she never really got to be upset about the breakup and him cheating with the 5 girls, and maybe not even the abortion because of what was going on with the abortion. And that what she did to me was extremely cruel and she has been in that pain and never wished or wishes it upon anyone. she had all these people in her life saying how good i was to and for her and she said she took it for granted and never really reciprocated the things i did for her. She said now it seems like she has been trying to fill voids or just cover up one problem with something else. She said she was so absolutely grateful that I didn't just bail on her after what she had done, that if I had gotten mad and just cut her out that she isn't sure what things she would have done to the next person, or to her family, or to herself (not dangerous, or drug related, just more so not caring). She said she will always cherish my email because it has turned out to be one of the most influential and positive things to ever happen to her. she said she isn't sure if she has depression but after i mentioned things in the email that she knows something isn't right and everything i brought up in a small way was something going on. she said she remembered me saying a few months ago that i wasn't only trying to be different from other people (ie boyfriends) but that I actually was (at the time i knew she thought i was just throwing her a "get in your pants" line, that honestly that wasnt the case though), and now she realizes and sees that. She said there are no words to properly explain what I, and my email had done for her.


I knew if things didnt turn around with the each of us as they have, that I would have gone to her father. After a break up, the parent obviously sides with their child, so going to see him face to face would have been interesting, and I may have had to beg for him to sit down with me. But I was with all my heart worried for her and in my eyes it is basic human compassion to not let another destroy themselves with lies and guilt, or holding that guilt inside. I talked to 2 of my buddies on Tuesday, told them what happened (obviously left out the abortion part) and they basically said she isn't my problem anymore. It pissed me off to hear, and I knew before but confirmed at that point I couldn't sit back.


ok im just writing down my thoughts now, I'll stop... so, we talked as much as she needed/wanted to about the abortion, our relationship is a work in progress, but most importantly she is helping herself and wants to do so.


thank you to everyone who posted her.