I really wasn't sure where to put this, I need advice please

**shenner** · 05-19-2011 06:37 PM

The back story to this is rather complex, but I'm going to get right to the point.

I just found out my girlfriend has had an abortion, now it wasn't with me, and it wasn't her most recent ex (he is the one who told me), it was with her boyfriend before him. We are both 23 this year and it would have had to happen within the last 14-18 months.
Now, yes it was her ex that told me, you might think he could be lying, but because of the complexities of this he wasn't. She knows I know, and wants to talk to me about it, she said she wants to explain things. I'm currently about 300 miles away, her and I just had a huge fight (her ex was basically the root cause which is how this abortion thing came to light) this past weekend. So I can't see her face to face until Sunday. She wanted to explain things right away via email (I think she is worried what I might think about her, when really I'm worried about her and I keep reassuring her) but I said there was no way she was going to sit there alone and tell me in an email. I'm very interpersonal, I need to see and be with a person in order to properly respond for something like this. Like anyone, I need to be able to see in their eyes, hear their voice, see their body language and know when maybe the best thing to do is just hug them.. there is no way I'm not going to be there with her when she tells me. Not to mention reading what someone says can be misinterpreted, and I don't want her reading what I say and thinking I'm mad or anything of that nature.

Now, onto the actual topic. I'm planning on just listening, but I need to respond to her as well. What do I ask?

My opinion on abortion has always been hazy. I'm pretty sure if I had got her pregnant back then, I would have pushed to keep it. But with that said, I have always believed that if people are responsible enough to have sex, they should also be for anything that comes from it. Until I am in the situation, I really can't say for certain what I would do though. I'll be honest, I don't know a lot about it, I have been reading for over an hour (i know not much considering the topic) but everything is so convoluted.
I think, that is to say what I had thought, I'm not sure anymore, that by the time a medical/ drug induced abortion becomes an option the baby is essentially living.

She is basically reliving it again and I feel so terrible I can't be there for her. Though there is more on her mind, I know she is thinking that I may think less of her. I was shocked when I was told, but I'm not one to judge.

Is it ok for me to ask her what her reasons were? And how much she knows about it (i plan on reading as much as I can from both sides of spectrum and everything in between)? If she knew the health affect and possible affects down the road?
I just hope that she made a very informed choice and wasn't pressured into it by the guy. A big part of me thinks it was because she just couldn't live with the embarrassment and having to tell her parents. I don't think her parents know (she lives at home), I doubt even some of her closest friends do, which means she has had almost no one to talk to. I'm always there to listen, but for this, I don't know if I can help properly. Should I suggest she talk to someone?

Basically, what is the proper way to go about this? I think this post shows how back and forth, and mixed up I am right now. I just want to do right by her.

**Little** · 05-19-2011 06:47 PM

Why do you need to know? I assume it was before you got together.
It wasn't your baby and wasn't your decision. Neither have you been with her very long.
My knee-jerk reaction is to say it's none of your business - but that's her call!
I hope your conversation goes well, regardless.

**LanaBear** · 05-19-2011 06:53 PM

Does it really matter to you this much?

It wasn't your baby, it wasn't even her most recent exes baby... Frankly, he should have kept his mouth shut, it was juvenile to tell you such a personal thing.

Whatever her reasons were, they were her reasons and possibly the persons who got her pregnant. It was in her past and EVERYBODY should respect that. Abortion is not an easy decision and over analyzing why she did this and asking her questions is going to bring up a lot of painful memories. Frankly, this completely sucks for her, added to the fact that you feel you need to drudge up the past and ask what her reasons were for it?

What do you mean about asking her how much she knows about it? Knows about what? Abortion? Wanting to know if she weighed all her options? I bet you she did and then some, but now you want to ask her if she thought about side effects down the road? *sigh*

IMO, unless she wants to openly talk to you about it, drop it... It is HER history, part of her history when she wasn't with you or with her loud mouthed ex. IMO, it is in her full right to keep her reasons and feelings about it to herself if she wants, without having to worry about what you are going to think of her or not.

Whether she was pressured into it or not, it was in the past. No matter what you talk to her about now will change that, in fact it won't change ANYTHING except bring on more guilt. Do her a favor and don't do that to her if you care about her.

IF she is still grieving, then yes, suggest she talk to someone. If you are wanting to suggest she talk to someone because you THINK she may be grieving or you feel this is how she needs to deal with it or how you need to deal with it, then keep it to yourself.

**WildChild** · 05-19-2011 07:01 PM

I'll be the next in line to say MYOB. This has nothing to do with you or with you and her. It isn't for you to judge, analyse, think about or question her about. Frankly speaking, for many women the primary trauma in abortion is other people'e reactions and responses.

**Mes T** · 05-19-2011 07:02 PM

I agree with the others. I can see how you'd be quite curious about this topic as it's a big part of your girlfriend's past but...

What's done is done. Why do you need to "interrogate" her? Why make it such a huge deal? What does it matter what YOU would do in this situation, if what happened didn't involve you at all?

I think you might be looking into this way too much.

**shenner** · 05-19-2011 07:22 PM

I apologize, I didn't mean to make it seem like I was going to interrogate her. She is the one who wants to talk to me about it.
I only posted because I'm not 100% sure how to go about responding to her. I thought I did make it clear. I'm not making this a big deal, but if she wants to talk to me about it I'm going into it as best I can.
I' m not trying to do anything except help her, if she wants to talk to me, I want to be able to respond properly and in the best way.

I keep reading over my original post and I thought that was obvious. I appreciate the replies, I do, they just weren't all that helpful since the questions I posed were if I should ask them, not that I was going to. Actually, yes, you're replies were helpful, it's obvious what I shouldn't say. She is going to tell me about it, if I say not to it will bug her, I know it will. I can't just sit there and listen, say "ok", and move on.
I need to be able to respond, and this is a touchy subject, hence coming here and asking.

**LanaBear** · 05-19-2011 07:32 PM

So, be an ear and let her talk to you about it. You don't need to ask questions to be supportive. Let her talk about it and tell you want she wants to tell you.

At most, tell her you are not sure you quite understand the decision but respect her and her decision regardless. Be her support. Trust me when I tell you this, asking questions, especially the ones you asked here are just going to compound her guilt and make it all that much worse for her.

I guarantee she is worried sick over how this conversation with you is going to go, how you will perceive her after all is said and done, are your feelings towards her going to change, etc.

Don't make it more difficult on her than it will already be, even if you do it unintentionally. Support, don't question. She doesn't need to be asked if she researched all her options, she doesn't need to be asked if she thought about the risks, she doesn't need to be asked why or what her reasons were.

Come back and tell us how it went.

**Mes T** · 05-19-2011 07:39 PM

I agree with Lana. And I'd advise against mentioning anything regarding what YOU would have done with her in a similar situation, that you would have pushed to go through with the pregnancy, if she was aware of the medical effects down the road, etc.

You don't need a list of questions. Just tell her that you appreciate her confiding in you, especially if she's still having a hard time with it (if she is at all... maybe she's not). That you appreciate the opportunity to be so open with each other on what might be a sensitive subject.

And if she ever has things relating to this on her mind to feel free to talk to you about it.

Things like that.

**shenner** · 05-19-2011 08:23 PM

Thank you both, that's exactly what I was looking for. It really means a lot to me, I was scared I would say something wrong and send her back down a path she has tried to move away from.
This is the first girl in my life that I have actually thought about having, and wanted, a future with (versus just living in the moment). In 5 months (yea I know pretty short) I feel more strongly about her than any past relationship, it actually kind of makes me question if I have been in love before because this feels so different. It may sound weird, but I sometimes "frustrate" myself in a almost laughable way trying to figure out what is that makes her so special and stand out from anyone else, she's iridescent... I'm rambling now, I just want to repeat my thanks.