Would I Be Looked at Differently???

**Mes T** · 05-31-2011 02:26 PM

How about sending her an email? Because I can definitely understand her reaction... yet I can see it from your POV too!

You didn't know he was seeing someone else at the time, AND you technically WERE on birth control. Nowhere did you do anything wrong... But she's hurt and angry right now and needs SOMEONE to blame.

If I were her I'd break up with this guy and save herself all the drama and heartache... But looks like she's hanging in for the moment.

Anyway yeah why not just send her an email, a brief one, summarizing your side of the story and why her reaction to you is causing you some stress and hurt.

Just an idea.

And have you spoken with the guy about his planned level of involvement? I mean like have you seriously sat down and agreed on a plan?

**Agony_Aunt** · 05-31-2011 08:08 PM

I haven't had the chance sit down and talk to him, because he went cold on the phone yesterday, and just said we'd speak soon?

I have no problem's that she's still with him, I told him from the very start I didn't want this pregnancy having any affect on his relationship. Obviously he never told her I'd said that, or now she's having a hard time with it, because she was actually seeing him when he slept with me. And as Tex said it's easier for her to blame me, whom she doesn't know rather than him.

She's made it clear she wants no part or involvement, and he seemed cold yesterday. So I've decided to step back from both f them for a while. I need to know that he won't stop being supportive every time she kicks up her heels. So I'm going to keep my distance and see what effort he makes on his own.
This is not to avoid him or punish him over what happened, but just for me to be able to see will he still be supportive even if he feels I've backed away from him.
When I first told him about the pregnancy and that I didn't want it to ruin or cause any problems for his new relationship, he told me not to worry about that, because it's the baby which is most important. But now when the first rough patch between him and her, it feels like he's turning his back. She may not always be there and this baby will.

So for now, I'm backing off. To be honest, I really just want to see will he even bother?

**Mes T** · 05-31-2011 08:27 PM

But... I think if you sit back and just see what happens, there's a chance you may be disappointed. What if he starts thinking that you don't actually need him to be involved with the child at all? What about paying child support? Also an issue that needs to be discussed.

Seems like he was a lot more optimistic about this before it actually started affecting his "life", so to speak. And to an extent his reactions are normal, but if I were you I would want to lay down some ground rules for the future.

I'm not saying discuss with him the number of times he's going to call you up and ask how you're doing. It's more about the baby itself.

Seems to me like you might be expecting this guy to be a full-time dad. It could turn out that he might decide to have completely opposite ideas.

I think ideally there should start being more communication, talking about difficult questions. These next few months will go by in the blink of an eye, and before you know it you'll be able to hold your baby in your arms. Hopefully by then everything will have been sorted, ya know?

**Agony_Aunt** · 05-31-2011 08:50 PM

Yeah, you're right he was more optimistic about it until now. But he said at the start he'd be there. Now I just want to know for myself, that every time she kicks up her heels, will he back off? I need to know that before I plan on how and when he'll see and spend time with the baby. I need to know how much he will actually be there, so that in the future, my baby won't be disappointed, not me. The only involvement I have with him now, is this baby, and that's my main priority.

As for child support, he has said that anything that needs to be bought for now, just tell him and he'll get it. He's self employed and has a good income.

I don't expect him to be a full time dad, but just to be a dad, and be there. And with him saying he'll pay for anything that needs to be got. I have to find a balance between him being a dad and not just a cash fund. I don't want him thinking either that he can just throw cash at it, and that will be okay.

I'm not even sure about how I want him to see and spend time with the baby. I want it to be normal. Not sure if I'm pushed on having the baby go from my home to his each week or whatever.
I know I need to get this sorted by the time the baby comes, so that there's routine and structure, but I have no idea where to start.

**Mes T** · 05-31-2011 09:00 PM

I don't know the specific laws in Ireland regarding child support, just did a very brief google search (I'm at work at the moment)... But anyway looks like you can agree on an amount to be paid (say, monthly), and that will be the father's legal duty.

It may sound too formal but I think there needs to be actual structure to this arrangement, not just... "Oh hey the baby needs new diapers, could you please pick them up at the shop tomorrow?" "Sorry I don't have money now for the baby. Ask me again next month."

You know what I mean? Without some kind of plan or agreement... It could be difficult farther down the line to really get what you need from this person.

What are your parents' opinions on this? They might have a better understanding of the things a single mom needs put in place. Maybe they are friends with some single moms or divorced couples with kids.

**Agony_Aunt** · 05-31-2011 09:12 PM

In Ireland here, the legal amount to be paid is 150 per week. We have talked about that, and he asked if I wanted him to start paying that now, but I said no, not until the baby is born. That is why he said now that anything that needs to be bought, he'll pay for it all. Like clothes, moses basket, baby's crib, car seat, bottles, sterilizer. All the stings I need before the baby gets here.
all the money side of things is fine.

It him seeing and spending time with the baby is what I need to sort. I'm thinking, since I'm new to all this and will be getting use to having a baby at home and in my care. For the first 3 months or so, I'll keep the baby at my house only, and he can come up to see him/her/. After then, maybe he can take the baby over-night?
He lives on his own in his own house. (She doesn't live with him). I'll have to discuss with him what is suitable, but for the first 3 months or so, I'm definatly not pushed on having the baby away over-night.

**Agony_Aunt** · 05-31-2011 09:12 PM

In Ireland here, the legal amount to be paid is 150 per week. We have talked about that, and he asked if I wanted him to start paying that now, but I said no, not until the baby is born. That is why he said now that anything that needs to be bought, he'll pay for it all. Like clothes, moses basket, baby's crib, car seat, bottles, sterilizer. All the stings I need before the baby gets here.
all the money side of things is fine.

It him seeing and spending time with the baby is what I need to sort. I'm thinking, since I'm new to all this and will be getting use to having a baby at home and in my care. For the first 3 months or so, I'll keep the baby at my house only, and he can come up to see him/her/. After then, maybe he can take the baby over-night?
He lives on his own in his own house. (She doesn't live with him). I'll have to discuss with him what is suitable, but for the first 3 months or so, I'm definatly not pushed on having the baby away over-night.

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