Thread: Pregnant now or later?

Originally Posted by Little

One of my best friends had a baby around the same time as me (our children are 8 months old now.) She's going to school for her BSN part-time, working as a CNA part-time, and is now a single mother (which she never planned on, but her ex is a SPECIAL piece of work!) She even went back to school two days after giving birth! It can be done.
However, you need to think hard about how you want to bring your child into the world and what you want that world to look like after you do.
Let's look at this in three categories: Money, Work/School, and Health
Money: The cost of basic prenatal care and a vaginal birth with induction for me (in a very economically depressed portion of the country QUITE unlike the west coast) was about $3000 out of pocket. Before the insurance took care of its portion, the bill was WELL over $15,000. You may be able to research the cost of the prenatal care and delivery while researching gynecologist offices. You can then ask your insurance company what they cover, what the end cost would be (as a ballpark range.) Then add to that the cost of IVF. These are costs you'll incur before the baby is even here, and are costs you will want to have paid for before he or she gets here too.
After the baby is born, you'll need some accessories. Even if you minimize your costs as much as possible through bedsharing, breastfeeding, and cloth diapering (or elimination communication,) you will still need to have clothing, blankets, a carseat, etc - to the tune of at least a few hundred dollars (minus gifts from friends and family.) If you don't bedshare, you need a crib - in the US, you can't sell most cribs older than 2011 secondhand anymore - it's illegal, so this will cost you at least $100. A set of cloth diapers is $200 or so for the child's lifetime, or disposable diapers to the tune of $0.15/apiece (if you're getting them cheap) and newborns will use 10+ diapers per day. Exclusive breastfeeding doesn't require accessories, but if you are shy about nursing in public, you will want a cover. If you intend to work after your child is born, add to that a double electric pump ($150, if you get the cheapo one that will stop working after 3 months or less.) Also add bottles (expect to spend at least $50 trying to find the bottle your child will drink from.) And if you don't want to breastfeed or can't, there will be the cost of formula ... I hear it's something like $50/week for the first 3-6 months, depending on when you introduce solids. There's also the cost of daycare if you work ... in this area, daycare can be as cheap as $80/week for full-time care. These are costs you'll want to be able to continuously afford after the child's birth, based on whatever incomes you will expect to have.
Of course, understand that the very real numbers I'm giving here are based on my experience in the last 8 months in my area. I understand that California has a much higher cost of living than my area, so do your research.
Work/School: For school, how many gen ed classes do you have left? Things like English comp, History, Aesthetics like Music or Art? Generally, these are what universities offer online. Upper-division nursing classes or lab sciences won't be available online, due to components like clinicals that require you to be present. You have the option of stuffing in as many classes that are NOT available online as possible into the semesters before you get pregnant, and leaving the online classes for the end. You can research and plan this as well! All the information you need should be available on your university's website, or you can talk to your adviser about it.
Do you want to work after giving birth? Is there a certain amount of time you'd like to delay working? What does your husband expect you to do? He seems very traditional and like he might want you to stay home, caring for the child. You mention wanting to work as a supplement - part-time. However, you should make sure that the cost of your working (vehicle costs if applicable and daycare, specifically) doesn't outweigh your wages!
Health: This is a touchy subject. As others have mentioned, you've come to WH and discussed issues within yourself and your relationship, and we can't separate those situations from this one. How ready are you to raise a child in a healthy environment? A child shouldn't be born with a job, ie, making your mother-in-law happy or giving you or making you feel like a complete wife. I think you and hubby would benefit from continuing to work on yourselves before becoming pregnant. This would include finishing school, strengthening your relationship with your husband, confronting your issues from having been attacked and trying to lay them to rest, and working on your self-confidence and calmness (because nothing will make you worry and panic like motherhood. Trust me.)
You should also be ensuring that you can keep up your good work with controlling your diabetes. Your child with love you and want you to be with him or her for as long as possible, and you owe it to them to try your best.

That was longer than I wanted But there's so much to think about before having a child. You're in the prime position to HAVE FUN and begin thinking and planning!

That was awesome! I really appreciate you taking the time to write it for me.

After reading about all the costs involved, it is a wonder that anyone but the rich can afford to have children. I know that's not the case since I see a lot of children in the poor sections of the city. I'm not sure how much of the costs my hubby's insurance would cover. I had the money for the IVF but it would have exhausted our reserves. In any case, having a baby in the near future is not going to happen since my hubby is against it. He wants to wait until at least I finish school and maybe longer. In fact he is not that enthusiastic about having a baby at all.

My motivation to finish school is not so much to make money, but to be able to help people. Many Zen women are nurses. If Soto Zen women work at all, it is usually in the medical or teaching fields.

The only reason I have been able to reach such good diabetes control is because I have been staying home almost all the time. At home I can test often and make small corrections to reach almost perfect blood glucose control. After I start back to school, this will be impossible. I will probably go back on my insulin pump, it is better in situations where consent attention is not possible.

My goal now is to start living according to my teachings. My intense desire to have a baby was an example of attachment to desire, something I was taught to avoid. My Zen teachings emphasize focusing on the present moment, and having everything in life experienced with the mind oriented in the present. Buddha said: "Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."