Pregnant now or later?

**chaya** · 08-05-2011 10:12 AM

I can't get pregnant by the natural method. The only way for me is In Vitro Fertilization. That's where they remove eggs from me and sperm from my husband and fertilize them in a test tube then implant the embryos in me.

Since I am a type 1, insulin dependent, diabetic; the process is less likely to work. I desperately want to give my husband children, I feel I'm less of a wife to him it I don't.

I have been in touch with an IVF center. They have all my history and their recommendation is I try it soon. The reason is that my diabetes is is excellent control now and I am at the optimum age for the process to succeed. If I wait until I complete school, the process is less likely to work and I might not be able to maintain as good control of my diabetes. That is my dilemma, I have completed 2 years of a 4 year college program aimed at getting a Bachelor of Sciences in Nursing (BSN). If I get pregnant now it would be very difficult, if not impossible, for me to continue school. If the IVF works I would likely have multiple births, hopefully 2 or 3 babies at one time.

I have not talked this over with my husband yet, I wanted to form a decision in my own mind before I get him involved. Another consideration is our family finances. With the cost of the IVF process and that of taking care of children, our budget would be stretched to the limit. If I complete school before getting pregnant, I would be able to supplement our income by working at least part time.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 08-05-2011 01:21 PM

I think you're taking a big risk with your health and with your finances. I also think you and your husband need to be married for a while before thinking about children, simply because you are still getting to know each other and haven't reached the point in the relationship to where you can freely express things to each other.

You want to give your husband offspring..... but do YOU want to have children right now? Or, are you just considering this because of your mother in law?

So yes, you might successfully get pregnant, but you will bring a child into a very new marriage and a significant amount of debt from IVF. That is a recipe for incredible stress in my opinion.

If I thought you were ready to be a mother, or very eager to get pregnant I might have a different opinion on this. But I don't think you are ready, I don't think he's ready, I don't think your relationship is ready........and I'm afraid you're putting pressure on yourself because of his mother. Wait until your BOTH ready and if it's meant to be, it will happen. If not, there are hundreds of thousands of beautiful babies out there that need homes.

**chaya** · 08-05-2011 02:35 PM

Originally Posted by Beautiful Disaster

I think you're taking a big risk with your health and with your finances. I also think you and your husband need to be married for a while before thinking about children, simply because you are still getting to know each other and haven't reached the point in the relationship to where you can freely express things to each other.

You want to give your husband offspring..... but do YOU want to have children right now? Or, are you just considering this because of your mother in law?

So yes, you might successfully get pregnant, but you will bring a child into a very new marriage and a significant amount of debt from IVF. That is a recipe for incredible stress in my opinion.

If I thought you were ready to be a mother, or very eager to get pregnant I might have a different opinion on this. But I don't think you are ready, I don't think he's ready, I don't think your relationship is ready........and I'm afraid you're putting pressure on yourself because of his mother. Wait until your BOTH ready and if it's meant to be, it will happen. If not, there are hundreds of thousands of beautiful babies out there that need homes.

BD, I appreciate your candor, that is just what I need to help me make a decision. I must admit I did think of what my mother in law said when I was contacting the IVF center. She was only part of my reason for acting now. I am worried that for me to have a baby by my husband, it might be now or never. If I wait I might miss the most opportune time. As far as the money for the IVF procedure, I still have enough in my account to pay for it, so it wouldn't be debt, but then that money wouldn't be available for other family uses.

A few of the girls at my school were pregnant and still continued school. If I had the procedure and it was successful, I could probably complete my third year before I delivered. Then maybe I could take online courses and/or go part time for the courses that aren't available online.

Being a mother would be a new experience for me, but isn't it for any woman that has her first? In our marriage it might be more difficult, for example, he is a Christian and I'm Buddhist. I would want my child to be a Buddhist, I'm not sure how he would feel about that. Even though he don't go to church, I know he has strong religious beliefs.

**KMonte85** · 08-05-2011 02:50 PM

Originally Posted by chaya

I have not talked this over with my husband yet, I wanted to form a decision in my own mind before I get him involved..

Originally Posted by chaya

Being a mother would be a new experience for me, but isn't it for any woman that has her first? In our marriage it might be more difficult, for example, he is a Christian and I'm Buddhist. I would want my child to be a Buddhist, I'm not sure how he would feel about that. Even though he don't go to church, I know he has strong religious beliefs.

If this is something you are seriously considering you MUST include your husband. Don't just haul off and make a life altering decision on your own and then later "include" him. You are asking for our input, but don't want his until you've made up your mind? Chaya, that isn't right. He is your husband. You two must walk this path together. You must decide this together. And wouldn't you think it would be a good idea to talk with him about how you each want to raise a future child, religious beliefs, customs, etc, before you have made the life changing decision to try IVF to get pregnant?

We can give you our opinions here and you can take those into consideration, but ultimately this is a decision that only you AND YOUR HUSBAND should be making based on how you each feel. Why should our thoughts on the subject mean more than his?

**Mes T** · 08-05-2011 04:32 PM

Chaya, you've had multiple problems in your relationship that you've posted here about, you've had self-worth self-esteem issues. Do you really think bringing on the extra, incredible responsibility of a child is a good idea right now?

I don't see how waiting at least another 2 years will make you any less in the "prime" of your life to have this child. Please at least finish school, get that out of the way as something to worry about. Otherwise I fear you're going to have a child, stay at home, feel worthless about not continuing your education, and then still remain in an unhappy situation with your husband - yet with a CHILD this time.

For what it's worth, I think doing this now is a terrible idea my dear.

**LanaBear** · 08-05-2011 06:04 PM

I couldn't agree more with what the others have said. You have too many issues with your husband and your marriage to even think about having a child right now, prime time or not. If you think life and marriage are difficult now, it won't even begin to compare to what it will be like by bringing in another person into this world that will depend on you, financially, physically and emotionally for many many years.

And... Our opinions shouldn't have any bearing on a decision like this, this one needs to be between you and your husband.

**jns** · 08-05-2011 06:51 PM

I'm sure your problems with the tubal pregnancy also has something to do with you considering getting pregnant at this time.

I agree that your husband has to be brought into the loop. He needs to be part of the decisions.

Have you thought about going through the egg harvesting and fertilization now and then having the fertilized embryos stored for an implantation at a later or much later date?

**chaya** · 08-05-2011 07:00 PM

It's hard for me to hear that you all think I wouldn't make a good mother. Since you all agree, you must be right. I'll tell my husband what they said at the IVF center but won't mention the other ideas. Unless he really wants me to do it now on his own, I'll wait, maybe until I graduate and have worked a few years.

I know it's illogical but I feel like I lost something. I had myself all worked up to have a baby now it's not going to happen for a long time.

**jns** · 08-05-2011 09:00 PM

Originally Posted by chaya

It's hard for me to hear that you all think I wouldn't make a good mother. Since you all agree, you must be right. I'll tell my husband what they said at the IVF center but won't mention the other ideas. Unless he really wants me to do it now on his own, I'll wait, maybe until I graduate and have worked a few years.

I know it's illogical but I feel like I lost something. I had myself all worked up to have a baby now it's not going to happen for a long time.

Originally Posted by KMonte85

We can give you our opinions here and you can take those into consideration, but ultimately this is a decision that only you AND YOUR HUSBAND should be making based on how you each feel. Why should our thoughts on the subject mean more than his?

Originally Posted by LanaBear

And... Our opinions shouldn't have any bearing on a decision like this, this one needs to be between you and your husband.

I concur. Your husband's input on this should make all the difference. Give him a lot of information, discuss the situation and come to a consensus. The factors that change everything are the diabetes and the results of your injuries and the tubal pregnancy. I think you think the door is quickly shutting on your ability to have a child.

**chaya** · 08-06-2011 12:21 AM

Originally Posted by jns

I concur. Your husband's input on this should make all the difference. Give him a lot of information, discuss the situation and come to a consensus. The factors that change everything are the diabetes and the results of your injuries and the tubal pregnancy. I think you think the door is quickly shutting on your ability to have a child.

I do feel like the door is quickly closing and it's because of my diabetes. I've been a T1 diabetic for 17 years. I've been lucky not to have suffered from any serious complications. The only complication so far is mild Peripheral neuropathy in my feet. I could come down with more serious complications at any time. Some T1 diabetics live to a ripe old age, but most others don't. Just because my parents and myself have kept my diabetes under good control most of the time doesn't prevent me from acquiring complications.

I would never make this decision without my husband agreeing to it. It is just as much his decision as it is mine. I plan on telling him after breakfast in the morning. I'm not going to pressure him in any way, I'll just explain all the facts. If he decides we should act soon, then we can talk about what to do about my school.