BF doesn't seem to be interested in OUR pregnancy

**SomiticPit** · 09-09-2011 08:20 AM

So, I am 6 months pregnant and living with my boyfriend, the father.

He says all the right things when it comes to how he feels. He says he is excited and all that. But when it comes to showing it, it's a whole other story.

Our son is kicking hard enough to see his movements on my skin. I enjoy feeling his kicks and movements from the inside, and it's even more exciting to watch them and feel them from the outside. I will stare at my belly and try to envision what he looks like in there. (I try to use my X-Ray vision, but I think it's broken) I try to imagine where his head might be...what position he might be in...what he's doing (stretching out, kicking, turning over) I really feel like its a good chance to bond with him by poking him back, talking to him so he knows I CAN FEEL THAT!!

As much as I enjoy all of this, I really want my boyfriend to feel the same excitement. But he shows no interest in even wanting to place his hand on my belly. He has done it a few times and acts frustrated, almost like it's an inconvenience. He says he can barely feel it when he won't keep his hand on me long enough to feel a good kick. He maybe keeps his hand on my belly for like two minutes then gets bored. Most of the kicks are small like hiccups, but there are times when it's not just a quick kick, our son will push on my belly and my skin will wave across and you can feel him for a good long while...

So I was laying in bed with my boyfriend last night and our son was really just moving so much that there was no way you couldn't feel him from the outside! My belly was getting hard in places where he must've been leaned up against, his pushing on my skin was making my belly wave. And he was so active, maybe like five kicks or pushes in a one minute period...it was amazing. So I reached over and took my boyfriends hand and placed it on my belly with along with my hand so I knew exactly what he was feeling. He felt three or four good movements and then just pulled his hand away, groaned, and moved over onto his back, leaving me and my son to lay there alone.

It really hurt my feelings.

I rolled over and shed a tear or two silently because when he does that, it makes me feel so unloved. I feel like he isn't interested in his own son. I can understand that his connection right now isn't going to be the same as mine, but to act like that when you do have a chance to connect even a little...

And there's more. He already has another son, a four-year-old son with his ex girlfriend. They both live in another state 1200 miles away so he doesn't see him, but he wants nothing more than to have him. The way he talks and brags about his other son sometimes makes me feel like he cares more for his other son than he does about the one on the way. I sit here and think that with his first son, he was probably over-excited about touching her belly...maybe I'm just being insecure...

**Beautiful Disaster** · 09-09-2011 09:20 AM

I don't blame you for feeling hurt by those actions. It leaves a pregnant woman feeling like she AND her unborn baby are being rejected.

I doubt he loves his other child more, it's just the fact that he doesn't have him that makes it seem that way. With that said, I know few true fathers who would stand for NEVER seeing their own child.

There's not much you can do here but just try to hang in there and enjoy your pregnancy. What you're experiencing is amazing and its a shame he refuses to experience that with you. I hope that he is nurturing you and showing you his love and devotion for you in other aspects of the relationship.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-09-2011 02:20 PM

Somerpit, do you think that this baby may remind him of his other son? I do.

In as much as each time you try to share this journey, he thinks of the journey he is missing

When this baby is born, he will love him to death, that's evident from what you just said.. Men also (alot of them) aren't emotionally connected to this part of preganancy it's like well I can't see anything, and feeling a kick yeah so.. It's different for a woman, he's inside of you, you get to feel the whole yards

Just smile in the knowing that you already know he is going to love his son and look after him and that he loves you.

**Little** · 09-09-2011 02:36 PM

Nobody will ever have the same experience that a pregnant woman does with her growing child. Until you've been there, you have no idea ... and unfortunately, men will never be there

I find that some people have a hard time communicating their feelings about an unborn child. Evidently my husband thought that I was the bee's knees for creating a life, but he really never expressed it until after our son was born. Maybe your boyfriend is feeling apprehensive that you and your son will be removed from his life in the same way his first child was? It sounds like an unfounded fear, but imagine the emotional turmoil he must have over being separated from his son. Rationality may not have any part in it.

But regardless of his reasons, this is something you can communicate with him to try to understand. Like others have said, he's missing out on this important part of your child's life ... you're less than 4 months from that live baby that he'll be able to see in the delivery room! Time is going to FLY, and he will never get it back. Get him on board, like I mentioned in the other thread, or else he is going to miss out and be DEEPLY sorry he was so cavalier.

**Seeker_Advice** · 09-09-2011 03:05 PM

I rolled over and shed a tear or two silently because when he does that, it makes me feel so unloved. I feel like he isn't interested in his own son. I can understand that his connection right now isn't going to be the same as mine, but to act like that when you do have a chance to connect even a little...

Please print this off and share it with him at a time when your hormones aren't raging and he is in the right space to really hear it.

This statement should be powerful and impactful when directed towards any father to be.

While true, that we as men can never have the same bond, connection or intuition that mother's have, we do have an amazing ability to "calm" our children in utero... Ask your BF if he is aware of this amazing gift that he has... Then ask him to try it by putting his hand on your bare stomach while your son is active. After a few short moments, and some quality bonding time between all of you, that baby boy will stop being so active. I did it dozens of times between my two children when my wife was pregnant and the feeling cannot be described.

Your BF may also have a lot on his mind...like how to be "properly" supportive of you during this critical time (perhaps he dropped the ball last time and is afraid of failing again this time). Being the "bread winner", whether he is or is not currently, I guarantee you he now feels responsible for "providing" for his family (perhaps not realizing that providing emotionally for you right now is a HUGE part of that). Thoughts about marriage...when? how? etc. Have you talked about it?

While your body and mind are going through all sorts of things during this, the most amazing time in your life, his mind is racing and is probably pretty foggy at times too. Throw in a fair amount of his pride and his ego and he's probably pretty confused about things at times too.

I know I was...

Communicate, communicate, communicate and then do it some more.

Congratulatons and I wish you all my best!

A very proud and far from perfect father of two...

**Little** · 09-09-2011 03:19 PM

Originally Posted by Seeker_Advice

While true, that we as men can never have the same bond, connection or intuition that mother's have, we do have an amazing ability to "calm" our children in utero... Ask your BF if he is aware of this amazing gift that he has... Then ask him to try it by putting his hand on your bare stomach while your son is active. After a few short moments, and some quality bonding time between all of you, that baby boy will stop being so active. I did it dozens of times between my two children when my wife was pregnant and the feeling cannot be described.

That is so beautiful! I didn't know about that capability of a father. This is definitely a story to share

**SomiticPit** · 09-09-2011 07:25 PM

Originally Posted by Little

Maybe your boyfriend is feeling apprehensive that you and your son will be removed from his life in the same way his first child was? It sounds like an unfounded fear, but imagine the emotional turmoil he must have over being separated from his son. Rationality may not have any part in it.

Little, this makes a lot of sense, and I was blind to this point of view before you mentioned anything. Thank you for opening my eyes to this.

**SomiticPit** · 09-09-2011 07:38 PM

Originally Posted by Seeker_Advice

Your BF may also have a lot on his mind...like how to be "properly" supportive of you during this critical time (perhaps he dropped the ball last time and is afraid of failing again this time). Being the "bread winner", whether he is or is not currently, I guarantee you he now feels responsible for "providing" for his family (perhaps not realizing that providing emotionally for you right now is a HUGE part of that). Thoughts about marriage...when? how? etc. Have you talked about it?

You really hit the spot on this one when you mentioned his fear about being properly supportive. I think he does feel he "dropped the ball last time" because he has told me that his ex-girlfriend, before taking off with his son out of state, said he wasn't "man enough" to provide for his own family. This sent him on a spree of doing bad, illegal things to earn money to prove that he could provide, and he ultimately ended up in prison. I think he was working construction and not making enough for them and felt going back to his old ways could help financially, then he went to prison for two years for it. So I can see where he felt maybe responsible...

Providing for me emotionally, I feel he lacks. It was very perfect at the beginning of our relationship, as always, and then after I got pregnant things went downhill. I think much of this could be my fault because my emotions have been out of whack and I might also be to blame for not providing emotional support for him too...so I think it has gone both ways in the relationship. We went through some real hard times here recently, financially, finding a place to live, death in the family, etc...and I think this may have all taken a toll on our relationship.

Marriage was brought up a couple of times early on in the pregnancy, before all the stresses of life smashed into us head on. He was the one to bring up that we should get married after the baby is born, but since then we have not discussed it. I feel we aren't quite ready to think about that, although I do want to continue to move forward in building our relationship so that marriage can be an option farther on down the road.

I want to thank everybody for their advice here. It did help broaden my perspectives. Do you have any advice on how I may make him feel more comfortable during this time, when he may have doubts? How can I help him to feel included in OUR pregnancy...how can I help him to feel confident that I am not going to leave with our son the way he has experienced before? What can I do at this time to tend to his feelings?

**jns** · 09-10-2011 07:59 AM

Little and SA have described the situation correctly, IMO. Unfortunately, because of the past, he has been not able to bond the way he should. Not to push you toward marriage any faster than you want to go, but you should reopen the subject. Being married may help him feel more secure about staying in the new baby's life and may change his demeanor and emotional state.

Are you and he continuing an active sex life? If sex has slipped from the equation, it could be helping to make him moody and ambivalent about the baby. Sex is usually possible almost up to birth. Some guys think pregnant is especially sexy while other guys think the opposite.

**SomiticPit** · 09-12-2011 08:00 PM

Originally Posted by jns

Are you and he continuing an active sex life? If sex has slipped from the equation, it could be helping to make him moody and ambivalent about the baby. Sex is usually possible almost up to birth. Some guys think pregnant is especially sexy while other guys think the opposite.

Yes, we are continuing an active sex life. Almost every night, sometimes due to our schedules we have sex every other night. I will admit now that I haven't had much of a desire for sex as I did before I got pregnant. I actually posted this issue in another thread, and both Little and Seeker_Advice have read that one, so they both have a better understanding of my situation. I don't think the amount of sex is the problem, because never refuse him sex...but I do think it may be the quality of the sex we have. Because my desire for it has dropped (I could go days if not a few weeks just fine without it) the excitement when it happens isn't there like it used to be. I also get more tired during the act of intercourse and have a hard time reaching an orgasm which bothers him. He doesn't feel like he has accomplished anything or satisfied me. And it's not his fault. I have tried when I am by myself to reach an orgasm and it is a lot harder for even me. I think it's just my hormones giving me a hard time. So maybe it could be the sex, but just not the quantity, but the quality.