My husband and I have been together for 14 years but married for 4 now, we have 4 young boys together. Two weeks ago my husband and I got into a fight and he had a few drinks too many and slept with my ever so young neighbour. The girl lives next to me so I can bump into her all the time and I am having a hard time deciding what to do. I have told my husband I will try and make our marriage work but I don't really know how to do it. I can't trust him at all and I feel like the last two weeks he is kissing my to make sure I don't leave him but I feel like he wants me just to forget what he did and move on. Please someone help me get through this as I don't know where even to start.

Hi Sassie, welcome to the Forum.

I am guessing that you are saying that this was a once off? In all of those 14 years you are confident that it has never happened before?

Anger, alcohol, okay, how did he end up with the neighbour if you don't mind me asking, obviously you all used to wave hello, i guess speak, somewhat, did he knock on her door and rant and rave and she let him in?

I mean firstly, she lives next door, has she no shame? Has she been flirting with him for a while hoping, or was it that she thought he looked down and comforted him and one thing led to the other, but still, she is a neighbour I don't get it, her that is.

There is no excuse, guy or girl, cheating when married is wrong, leave a marriage if your not happy and can't be and do what you want, but don't cheat on a spouse.

That aside, I am sure he woke up "dang" stup1d, what did i do, I mean think about it, it is soooo close to home, isn't it, right next door, he couldn't have done something so, if he didn't know he would get caught or didn't care if he did... so close to home.

So, the anger is stemming not from that "1" arguement, rather a build up.

He had the "I don't care" attitude... He didn't meet some girl at a bar or, on a business trip or at work, this was a situation, he left your house, and somehow ended up next door and he was angry, not planned per-say but almost "revenge" I don't care attitude, but off course now he does.

So, I guess that's the first part of it, i imagine you have felt the same for a while, building up anger that is over things you both are not agreeing with, happy with, life in general as a married couple.

There is no excuse, don't get me wrong and off course you can't just "forget".

But, now you are living in the same house with the neighbour living right next door that allowed that to happen, even may have seduced that to happen.

So, i guess the first thing is how was this instigated?
Have you spoken with her?
Can you live right next to her?
Can you trust him and her being so close now?
What sparked his " I don't care" attitude?
Is there something there that you both have to conquer in your marriage that needs looking at?
Do you love him? And, want to see the real issues at hand, not the after effect?
Is he worth this marriage being saved and has never cheated before?

No you can't FORGET, you may be able to FORGIVE and both heal pending on a lot of things, some of the answers to those questions may start you off.

CW

how ever so young? legal age?? not???

Thanks for the welcome!!

Well to start it was really a fight we had about him coming home late that night and he changed and went back to our friends house who lives a few doors down and well one thing led to another and a few too many drinks later it actually didn't even occur at her house it actually happened in our friends bathroom, that's how much of a quicky it was.
I guess a part of me blames myself as he was going to go to bed that night but I put up a fight and he left to cool off and this girl happened to hear us and took advantage of the situation I guess. I know it's not just her fault but I am mad she knew he was married and still she didn't stop it though neither did he. This girl is not even someone we really talk too she is just someone whom we say hello to should we pass by so I don't know really how to handle the situation. I do love him very much and want to get passed this but I really don't know how. I don't even know if I should confront her or even if I do what do I say. I just don't know how to start the healing and the forgiving. I guess I have needed someone to talk too and start dealing with it but I don't want to share this information with anyone I know as I am ashamed I don't want to hear the remarks about what a fool I am if I stay with him.

In regards to her age well she is just legal I think but not a day over. I had actually thought about getting her to babysit our boys at one point but that is just right out of the question now.

well i think the first thing is did you 2 sit down and have a real chat about what happened. now i dont think it's an excuse that he was drunk or whatever, but it's easier to understand. lots of people do things under the influence that they wouldnt do if the were sober.

did you two talk about it? if not, the longer you wait the more it will fester and the harder it will be to get past.

Well, firstly your right, you talk to friends and they automatically will feel for you, call her a ,, and tell you to leave him.. But that is because they are your "friends" so that's natural.

Secondly, I always think that it's best to keep things between each other because if you sort through things but had told family for-instance there will always be that rift between you all.

The girl next door? Well, if she is "just" legal age then she's not smart enough to understand distruction of what she has done, i certainly would let her know that "you know and do not wish for her to speak to either of you" so that she is aware that she is being watched so to speak and that your a serious person she does not contemplate again, as young girls create fantasy and she may be creating one right now after that.. But, I don't think that there is any point going off at her and telling her what you think unless you need to get it off your chest off course, but you can use a couple of sentances that ring home if you think first of what you would say.

Your husband, okay, so he actually had no intentions what so ever, simply was angry had a few drinks but his intentions were to visit his mate/s un-stress over the argument...

More than likely she flirted a storm and still i maintain that his attitude was that of "I don't care" but that was anger.. It seems that he regrets the actions now..

You created the fight because he was out late?

Then you two need to sit down and tell each other what you don't like about each other's actions in life and why, and see if you can compromise for future, because arguements really are a waste of time and built up energy that is a waste full stop.

So, that would be my first start with him...

Tell him why you were upset, tell him you don't want to argue anymore but you wish for him to understand some things that he does that leads you that way and can those things be bought to compromise.

Also ask him the same question back, pertaining to you, what maybe he gets upset over and creates arguments over.

Seeing each other in a different light and understanding what causes reactions which then creates actions can often kill it from happening again.

Ask him politely NEVER to speak to this girl again EVER.. Or you will see that as disrespect for you.

If you still love him and I am gathering as you didn't state, that this was in fact the first time that he did that... Then, he cheated but is not a cheater.. Every one deserves a second chance.

I know it's hard to see him naked, haha you know what I mean and I'm not making lite of it... But, i can imagine it was a 2 second thing, done dusted, so to speak, not like a romantic, intimate encounter...

That doesn't make it right don't get me wrong, at all... But a bit easier to manage..

He needs to understand also that you need time, to heal over this and people do heal over these sorts of situations.

He needs to LOVE you too though as much as you LOVE him and I hope he does and proves himself.

But the main thing is to talk it all out rationally and about your lives together and start communicating more openly together as a Unity.

This is a good place to talk, we are outsiders and this is the internet so we are friends of a different sort.

I really needed this site I tell you I am really grateful to finally talk to someone. I am trying to talk with him but from one day to the next I get these feelings that he just forgot about it himself and I guess that is what bothers me. I know he is sorry as he keeps telling me so and is trying hard to open up to me about all his feelings but the thing is the subject only comes up if I bring it up and sometimes when things seem okay I don't want to bring it up as I am scared of the outcome. I do love him very much and yes I do believe he deserves a second chance as it's the first time so I guess I will take it one day at a time.

Thanks to all of you for being my outside friends from family it really means a lot.